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IELTS writing: Commercialization of sports (wrong motivation?)


answers: 2
In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous.
What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports itself?
Give reasons for your answers.


The commercialization of sports has brought about enormous changes to accomplished athletes' lives as well as to the sports themselves. This has given rise to endless controversy among the general public. In this essay, I will examine the impacts of this phenomenon on sports and suggest the message to the younger generation.

On the one hand, the wealth and glamour associated with successful sport professionals have had some negative effects on the quality of sports. In the past, the primary motivations for an athlete to strive on pressure and tough training programs to succeed were desire, inspiration, and ambition. However, in today's commercialized sports, many professionals consider their career a means to earn huge sums of money and to become a public property. As a result, no sooner do they reach a certain height in their career than they may get distracted by attractive offers of advertising, which undoubtedly deteriorates the quality of sports.

On the other hand, sufficient salaries and prize money encourage athletes greatly in their career. As these people now get paid for their attempts and perspiration, they no longer have to worry about poverty in this short-term, risky and unstable area. As a matter of fact, the retirement age for a sport professional is low on average because of injuries and required strength, which puts athletes in great doubt about their lives after retirement. Therefore, adequate or generous prize money and salary help professionals to focus on their career with great relief.

What is rational for youngsters who have a desire to indulge in sports professionally to do, in my opinion, is to make a balance between ambition, pride, and financial capacity. They should focus on their sports and limit activities in business and advertising sectors that may affect their main career.

In conclusion, the new motivation in sport has both negative and positive effects in this area itself. I strongly believe that young, immature athletes should be encouraged by seniors and coaches to know their limits and to pursue a successful career.
(337 words)

Please correct this essay for me!
Thanx in advance!

-Avoid repetition of cohesive devices (on the other hand) to show more range in cohesion
-better organization of thought. u have a tendency to be going back and forth with your ideas. talk first on how it affects youth then talk on how it changed sports itself.
cathead_2307:
I will examine the impacts of this phenomenon on sports and suggest the message to the younger generation.

Cool, and how about adding one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph to tell briefly the conclusion you come to. Know what I mean? Do not just say you wll examine it, but also say that you determined XXXXX XXX XXXXXX XX X XXXXX.... (just briefly tell the main point of the essay. You can do this after rereading the essay and looking at what the main idea seems to be.

You have some very sophisticated sentences!! Like this one: What is rational for youngsters who have a desire to indulge in sports professionally to do, in my opinion, is to make a balance between ambition, pride, and financial capacity.--- I like it... you are an English language learner? I think you have learned the language and mastered it. Nice to see you here again!

:-)



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