Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


"Closing My Eyes" - driving on the expressway at night - PLACE YOU FEEL CONTENT...


Iyeshaferguson 5 / 11  
Aug 24, 2014   #1
Directions:

Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

Essay:

It's 10:59 PM with one hand out the window holding hands with the wind it feels like I'm racing through time but when I check the clock it's only been one minute. The slowness of time and the speed of light somehow makes me feel serene.

If I closed my eyes I would hear the whistling sound of various cars flying down the road, I would feel the rapid cold wind giving my arms and chest goosebumps, and my hair flying in every direction. If I open them I would see nothing but an open road in front of me, occasional bright red brake lights reminding me that I am not alone on this empty road.

Ever since August 2, 2013-the day I received my license I have felt a sense of comfort while driving on the expressway at night. Perhaps it's the one time during my day I'm left with just me and my thoughts. If my desires were safe I would close my eyes and let the world guide me, instead I blink slowly breathing in every ounce of artificial energy. Ironically the noisy, stressful expressway at night becomes my sanctuary allowing me to slow down time. When I turn right on 83rd and State street, merge left onto the expressway at that moment I start to feel and hear everything. Suddenly, I can hear every breathe I take, I can feel my heart beating, pulse racing and every drop of blood as it travels through my body. Music becomes anesthetics; numbing any emotion besides content. It becomes the fuel that drives me both metaphorically and literally. When I'm driving at night music isn't heard, it's felt. Suddenly the lyrics from Lana Del Rey's "Ride" give me shivers because I can feel her singing. There is a sort of euphoria in the feeling of having no fear or doubts. Nothing can compare to the unflustered feeling of driving sixty or seventy miles listening to the most serene sounds of my favorite artists... To me, it feels like flying.

Help:

Does it answer the prompt?
Is it too long?
It is descriptive?
Is it overall a good piece?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Aug 24, 2014   #2
First of all, I I thought you were going to talk about your bed but you ended up talking about something totally different. I suggest you finalize the title for it. Your opening statement alone indicates that you are imagining something else. All of a sudden, you end up talking about your car. This is where another problem lies. Although you say that you feel comfortable, nothing about what you describe tells me you feel content in the car. If you are thinking of problems and other things, that is definitely not a place where you feel happy. You describe too many other emotions and activities within the car that do not really relate to contentment. If you feel content in your car, you have to talk about why you feel that way. You say you feel safe in the car but you never describe why. Why does your breathing pattern change when you are in the car? How does that help you feel content? Then at the end, you suddenly say you feel content because the car lets you listen to Lana Del Rey. That is a totally different theme that you have to discuss.

Basically, it does not answer the prompt although it is descriptive enough. It can use improvements that a professional writing service can provide. The essay requires a professional rewrite in my opinion. I can refer you to a professional writing service if you would like. Good luck!
OP Iyeshaferguson 5 / 11  
Aug 24, 2014   #3
So do you think I should completely start over?

I was thinking my topic was alittle confusing hence the reason I needed opinions on it lol, but thank you I will definetly be making changes!
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Aug 24, 2014   #4
I definitely think you should start over. I suggest that you outline the reasons you feel content in your car before you start writing so that you won't be tempted to stray off topic while writing. I hope that helps :-) I am sure you can do this.


Home / Writing Feedback / "Closing My Eyes" - driving on the expressway at night - PLACE YOU FEEL CONTENT...
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳