If the father of a child is a doctor, he/she is more likely to want to become a doctor. This way he/she will start to study biology and chemistry well at school
I try not use 'sex bias' :D
There is no denying that parents have much influence on a child's success at school. Many children just want to be like their parents. If the father of a child is a doctor, he is more likely to want to become a doctor. This way he will start to study biology and chemistry well at school. However, we cannot say that they are more important influence on a child's success in school. Classmates' role is more important in a child's life in this case. The reasons and examples listed below will strengthen my point of view.
The latter commentator has given you a signal for intro. I think so. Your intro shows complexity. To make it better, simply paraphrase the prompt, including hook and thesis.
they discuss about school events
Omit 'about'
discuss [Verb]: It is the time to
discuss the book
discussion [Noun]: high-level
discussionsabout trade and commerce
classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success at school
Faulty Parallelism
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Hope this helps :D