Unanswered [3] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

If you could change one important thing about your country, what would you change?


answers: 5
Sep 7, 2009, 08:42am   #1
This is the question:

If you could change one important thing about your country, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

And below is my essay. Please check it for me and give me some advice. Thank you in advance.

Our world is changing everyday and we also have to change to catch up with the modernization of it and to make our country better. If I could change one important thing about my country, I will change our method of teaching in education.
Education is very crucial to everyone and every country. The future of one country depends on the youth and the youth depends on the education. In my country, students still have to do too much homework so they have less time to play and take part in other interesting activities. They also have to learn by heart all of the contents in the textbook. Students feel tired after school and of course, their results cannot as good as they want. Because of that, to have more excellent students, we should decrease the exercises they must do at home and teach them how to learn effectively so that when they work, they can organize everything properly and precisely.
Education not only decides the future of one country but it also decides the future of the whole world. If the next generation receives a good schooling, they can contribute much for the society with all of their responsibility. To do that, we have to make the students be interested in the lessons not make them be bored when they look at a list of assignments to do. There are many research proved that if the students are willing to learn, their score will be higher because they pay much attention the lessons.
A good method of teaching and learning also express the care of the government in education to develop the country. For example, when a group of professors from another country visit our country and some of our schools, they will see how the teacher works in the class and how the students react to the lessons with the support of modern equipment. If they see both of them well co-operate, they can realize that this country invests a lot in education and the government takes care of the next generation very carefully.
Therefore, if I have a chance to change one important thing in my country, my priority is to make the method of teaching better.

Sep 7, 2009, 09:17am   #2
essay0405:

Our world is changing everyday and we also have to change to catch up with the modernization of it and to make our country better.

Strike this. It is unnecessary.

essay0405:
Education is very crucial to everyone and every country.

Absolutely true. So why, then, is it particularly necessary to change education in your country? What it your country, anyway? You don't say.

To answer this essay prompt properly, you need to identify your country, say precisely and concisely what is wrong with its education system, and then say how you would change that system. You have done some parts of that -- I am guessing, from what you have written, that you believe there is too much emphasis on rote learning and too little use of educational techniques that involve students in active discovery of knowledge -- but, overall, the essay is too vague.
Sep 7, 2009, 04:55pm   #3
You have many grammatical errors. If english is not your first language you need to take extra care to ensure you use all the words, all the correct words, and in the correct context.

Also, I am not sure you really addressed what is wrong with your educational system. Students have too much school work to do, it is too boring and good teaching makes other countries respect your educational system. I do not see how these tie together. Finally, you do not really set on one thing to change. You should identify the one thing to change and write about reasons why it should change.

Hope this helps.
Sep 11, 2009, 08:24am   #4
Well, I have rewritten my essay. Please check it for me. Below is my essay:

Vietnam, a small country in the south East Asia, is my country. If I could change one important thing in my country, I would change the way our teacher teach us now, and to do that, I will build a standard school for the students in Vietnam.
Education is crucial to everyone and every country. The future of the country depends on the youth and the youth needs to have a good schooling. But in Vietnam, there are still many schools which have poor facilities and lack of effective methods of teaching. For example, many schools in Vietnam now force the students to learn by heart a lot and the test after each semester only test the students' abilities to remember the contents of the textbook. They also don't have chances to practice and experiment. I think a good school is a school with modern equipment and it is where the students are taught how to think, how to learn so they can work more sufficient in the future and that is the reason why I want to build a standard school.
A school with modern facilities to support the students during the time they are learning at school and a large library with a plenty of books for them to find out anything they want can encourage them to learn more at their best. One of my friends is now studying in Australia. When she was still in Vietnam, she often got bored with the lessons so she never paid enough attention to the lessons. As a result, her score was really bad. But now, since she moved to Australia to study, she has made a great progress in learning, she always tells me about the interesting subjects at school and how they do research with the help of modern equipment and I think I find her more intelligent in some ways.
A standard school like that will receive much more excellent students than other schools. Because every school wants to make their schools better, I think they will invest more in changing the method of teaching and buying enough material for the schools. This leads to the improvement in the whole system of the education, which means the next generation will be much well-educated that is what I want now.
These are the main reasons explained what and why I want to change in my country.
Sep 11, 2009, 08:06pm   #5
What do you mean by a standard school? There are many types of schools with many curricula and many ways of teaching the material that is meant to be covered. I think you should define exactly what you mean by that term.
Sep 11, 2009, 10:13pm   #6
I have change the word 'good school' in parapgraph 2 into the word 'standard school' to have an define of a standard school.

Vietnam, a small country in the south East Asia, is my country. If I could change one important thing in my country, I would change the way our teacher teach us now, and to do that, I will build a standard school for the students in Vietnam.
Education is crucial to everyone and every country. The future of the country depends on the youth and the youth needs to have a good schooling. But in Vietnam, there are still many schools which have poor facilities and lack of effective methods of teaching. For example, many schools in Vietnam now force the students to learn by heart a lot and the test after each semester only test the students' abilities to remember the contents of the textbook. They also don't have chances to practice and experiment. I think a standard school is a school with modern equipment and it is where the students are taught how to think, how to learn so they can work more sufficient in the future and that is the reason why I want to build a standard school.
A school with modern facilities to support the students during the time they are learning at school and a large library with a plenty of books for them to find out anything they want can encourage them to learn more at their best. One of my friends is now studying in Australia. When she was still in Vietnam, she often got bored with the lessons so she never paid enough attention to the lessons. As a result, her score was really bad. But now, since she moved to Australia to study, she has made a great progress in learning, she always tells me about the interesting subjects at school and how they do research with the help of modern equipment and I think I find her more intelligent in some ways.
A standard school like that will receive much more excellent students than other schools. Because every school wants to make their schools better, I think they will invest more in changing the method of teaching and buying enough material for the schools. This leads to the improvement in the whole system of the education, which means the next generation will be much well-educated that is what I want now.
These are the main reasons explained what and why I want to change in my country.



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓