hey you guys, this is the other essay I had to write, I have to title it but I stilll do not know what title to put. I have a question, if they said write an essay of at least one page, is it not good if I write more than one?
This is the topic: If you had the opportunity to reform your former high school, what would you change? Why? How would the education of the students at your school be better as a result?
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Well I just want to say right now that I'm not the best at editing papers but I'll try my best.
*** Columbia (that's how you spell it)
*** practice (it has a "c" not an "s")
*** knowledge (no "s")
I'm not sure what you meant by "directives" but I think you might have meant to say "directors." I'm not sure. Same goes for "necessitate." I think you meant to say "necessary." I would just advise that you probably take a break from looking at it for like a day or two and then look at your essay again because I can kind of see what you want to say in general but it is kind of confusing because of some of the spelling errors, well for me anyways. I don't know about anyone else. I hope I was a little helpful to you.
you are very welcome :D
"At least" means that you shouldn't have less than one page. You can write more if you want to, unless they specify a maximum too.
Simplify your language. That you know how to use a dictionary and thesaurus is good, but relying on them too heavily makes your writing sound contrived.
Start off sooner. At the moment, you don't begin to answer the prompt until the fourth paragraph, over halfway through the essay. It is okay to give necessary background information first, but I should still know what your main point is going to be by the time I'm finished reading the first paragraph.
I agree with Sean about language. Sometimes, in reaching for a complex word, you distort your meaning.
For example, when you say "they disregard social and sport activities not cogitating that this type of pursuits are vital for life," you are not making sense, because cogitate means to think hard or meditate on something. If you had used the simpler "thinking" or "considering," then the sentence would have made sense.
This is a common error when using a thesaurus. The thesaurus lists several words, each of which has its own associations and precise meaning. What you must do when choosing a word from a thesaurus is look up that word in a dictionary to make sure that its precise meaning is consistent with what you want to say. Otherwise, in trying to sound especially well educated, you may sound the opposite.
Sometimes you use so many thesaurus words that your meaning is lost altogether, as when you say "sometimes they befall expunged consequently of not becoming notorious." I'm not even sure what you mean to say, so I cannot suggest an alternative.
Some of the words you are using -- such as "ludic" -- are so obscure that even most native English speakers do not know them.
Fancy words sound especially odd when they are used in sentences with grammatical errors. So, in addition to stretching your vocabulary, keep on working on basic grammar, such as verb tense.
For example:
At my School, a public institution with superior academic background, the emphasis on our testsis fairly ceaseless.
This is tricky, because there are so many words between the subject and the verb. But the subject is "emphasis," which is singular, so the verb must be singular.
Also, you write:
this type of pursuits are vital for life
"This" is singular, "type" is singular, "pursuits" is plural, and "are" is plural. So, to keep your tense consistent, you would need to say either:
these types of pursuits are vital for life
or:
this type of pursuit is vital for life
:( I guess I got a little carried away with the whole strong verbs thing, but you know I was just trying to make it sound better, besides it is sometimes hard to write in english when you speak all the time in spanish, I am not yet used to think in english since I am surrounded by spanish all the time.
I think I should just write in a way that I feel familiar with, I guess strong verbs will come eventually.
a question: Is Colombia (the country) really spelled Columbia?
thank you guys for you advices, I'll post it again.
Oh -- I meant to say that. You were right about "Colombia." The user who corrected you was perhaps thinking about the U.S. university or U.S. cities called Columbus.
And, you are right about writing in a manner that feels familiar to you until you feel more comfortable thinking in English.
Also, strong verbs just means active and precise verbs -- they don't have to be elaborate or obscure. Some of the strongest verbs are the most simple. "Ran" is stronger than "went quickly." "Shouted" is stronger than "said loudly."
let me know if this is better. I changed mainly the first paragragh. I didn't modify the entire essay, though but I'd really like to know if this essay and the other one are good enough to be considered for admission.
This is very important for me but I think that I am not going to meet the requirements. I was hoping that through these essays I could portrait a good image of myself, because I am very concerned about my lack of extracurricular activities and other things that I really really lack of, so I would appreaciate if you'd tell me an honest opinion.
thank you.
This is improved, but you will have to keep working on it if you want it to be good enough to be considered for admission. As it stands now, you still have words that distort the meanings of your sentences.
Henry David Thoreau said, "Simplify, simplify, simplify," and this is what you must do.
First, you must simplify your words, using only words that you are absolutely certain are correct in the way that you are using them.
For example: "consequently of their timidity" should be, simply, "because of their timidity."
Next, you must simplify your sentence structures, going straight to the point.
For example, your first sentence is unduly ornate, starting with a contrary statement and therefore making the reader work hard to figure out what you mean.
In the contrary of the words sports or social events, every time I hear phrases like exams, presentations, essays, textbooks, or dictations, I immediately visualize a school environment.
It's OK if readers have to work hard to understand complex thoughts, but not something as simple as you are expressing here. I think what you mean to say is:
When I imagine a school environment, I envision exams, presentations, essays, textbooks, and dictations rather than sports or social events.
but do you think that the content is good? do you think I should add other paragraphs like more information or something like that?
If I read you correctly, you would like your old high school to augment its emphasis on academics with more sport and other extra-curricular activities. So, I guess if you wanted to add more detail, you could make some specific proposals as to what activities to add.
Yeah, I concur with the previous comments.
You can't get flashy with words until you've mastered basic sentence structure, delivery, and writing techniques.
Walk before you crawl, and your paper becomes a convoluted mess of cobwebs and dust.
There is literally no order to your essay.
Decide what you want to say, and make sure you do your best that other people can understand it.
Unfortunately, the versatility of English cannot be tapped without a strong founding in it, to begin.
hi guys these is my last reply on these essays because the date of submitting it arrived so hopefully tomorrow I will correct the things you point out and will meet with my counselor so she can revise all these.
I wanted to know if there is a way that I can clean up the grammar on both essays because I cant the find errors and I have read them lots of times.
Thank you all very much for you help really.
oh yeah and what do you think of the title?
topic: If you had the opportunity to reform your former high school, what would you change? Why? How would the education of the students at your school be better as a result?
Whenever I hear the word school, I immediately visualize phrases like exams, presentations, essays, textbooks, or dictations, rather than sports or social activities.
You don't visualize phrases; you visualize the actual things.
As a result of this, I perceived thatM y school, concentrates its teaching on academic knowledge, pleading that such knowledge represents the greater part when preparing for a particular job. I also began to observe thatA ny activities regarding sports or social reunions play very low roles in the education system. Hence I dissent when schools target academic learnings as the most essential knowledge one can learn and disregard the importance of other talents and skills they can stimulate using other methods.
You can't say "hence" because you've only described the lack of attention to sports, etc. but not yet said your reasons for disagreeing with that emphasis.
