IELTS: CELEBRITY'S ROLE - influence of celebrities to the youth is as well positive as negative

Please elegant guys in the forum give me a hand with my essay. You are welcome to leave any of your feedback or even rate my if you do not mind. All of your comments are highly appreciated. Thank you everybody in advance

Topic: Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is true that many celebrities nowadays are famous for their glamour and affluence, but not their hard work, and some people think that they would set a bad example for young generations. However, I believe that other people deserve to be an example of inspiration on account of their achievements.

On the one hand, a number of famous people do achieve fame without putting much effort into their life of work. These people might be known for their glamorous lifestyle and their means. In addition, some of them also derive the fame from the exploitation of mass media in order to attract the attention of audiences. A good example would be Paris Hilton, an heiress, who is famous for nothing but extravagant and dissolute style of living. Therefore, she might spread the message of a convenient life without much endeavor.

On the other hand, there is still a cluster of famous idols whose accomplishments are the adequate inspiration for young people. Actor, musicians and sports stars are conventional models of such celebrities. They always contribute their best talent, determination and ambition to the success of their job. Take Eminem, a white rapper, as an example, with his great perseverance, he has earned the name of the greatest alive performer of the black-dominant genre of music. Consequently, he is obviously an universal symbol of famous individuals who achieving the success by their adroitness and application

On the whole, it appears to me that the influence of celebrities to the youth are positive as well as negative.

"Other people" => who? Normal pp or famous pp? You can use the word well-known people to not repeat the word "famous"

"effort" => "efforts"
"lifestyle"=> "lifestyles"
"Spread message of a convenient life" => what do you mean?
"Indiv

"Individuals" => "individual"
"Who achieving" => "who achieve" or "achieving"
I love the way you used vocabulary in this essay. However, your intro is not really clear and attractive. Plus, you need to give more details about how negative that celebrities who

well-known for their lifestyles and prosperity bring to the young.
There are my reviews. Good luck to your study! :-)

In the context, I mentioned about celebrities, some of them have negative style of living, and other people = other celebrities


I mean this Paris makes this message be known by a wide range of people. I look up for 'spread' in dictionary and it says spread: to affect or make sth affect, be known by, etc


Effort (uncountable noun), in this case, means endeavor not attempts (countable)


'individuals' replace the phrase ' a group of people'


I forget eliminating the word 'who' :D
Regarding the introduction, I want to express a balance opinion that celebrities are good in some ways, and are bad in other ways. I think I disclose my opinion: 'I believe' to make clear my idea.

They are all of my opinion. By the way, I am very grateful for your feedback, ningo

Actor, musicians and sports stars are It think Actors , musicians, and sports stars are is more correct

individuals who achieving the success by their adroitness and application => after who I suppose using a verb should be correct: who achieves

sorry for my correction style. I don't know how it works!

Actor, musicians and sports stars are It think Actors , musicians, and sports stars are is more correct

individuals who achieving the success by their adroitness and application => after who I suppose using a verb should be correct: who achieves

sorry for my correction style. I don't know how it works!

In fact, "Effort" can be both countable and uncountable word. Look at this example from macmilandictionary:
Despite someone's efforts: The man died despite the doctors' efforts to revive him.