Ok I have changed it a bit. It now is without the first paragraph and I have included stronger verbs.
One blistering hot day in June 2007, I strolled into the local university to meet my new piano teacher. Recently, I had won an artist mentorship through our regional art council and now I was ready to begin. Upon encountering my teacher, I immediately felt at home with his vibrant personality and desire to teach. During the summer he challenged me to learn discipline; and that practice, patience, and a few tricks with fingerings could quickly grow to become exquisite music. He pushed me to my limits and I ended up overachieving all of my goals that summer.
I yearned to be like him - influencing others to love and play music. Soon I began giving piano lessons to anyone who wanted them, even for free. I saw how my instruction was impacting others' lives. Witnessing those "light bulb" moments when students would comprehend something made teaching meaningful.
Some people see teachers as someone who educates their students about the "essential information" like equations, formulas, or historical facts. Teachers are more than that. They are mentors who not only provide students with knowledge but also with passion. They are involved in students' lives to help them to reach their dreams.
That scorching day in June 2007 was the day I met the person who would inspire my career path – my teacher. Not only did I learn musical knowledge but also discipline and patience. I developed a passion for music and teaching that I craved to pass on. Every day I think about how teachers have helped to shape my future. Their inspiration drives me to inspire others. My goal is to create passion and enthusiasm for learning that causes future generations to realize their dreams. A career in education is incredibly rewarding and that is why I am choosing to pursue a profession as a music teacher.