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Essay about the benefits of online shopping over traditional off-line market


answers: 8
Sorry for my poor english :( English is my second language so I have difficulty with making title and writing essay...
And I believe there are so many grammatical error.
I need your help desperately! Would you spare me some time checking my essay?
Thanks a lot.

With Internet; Easy to Buy Various Products

Online shopping has 3 advantages over the off-line shopping; convenience, cost-saving, and comprehensiveness of their stock.

Firstly, online shopping is a sort of virtual space we can buy anything we want all the time. It is not necessary to look around a few more places. All we have to do is just to type the website address and purchase some items using credit cards. Also, online shopping malls do not have their business hours. For me, it is very useful to buy many clothes via the website because I have a tons of work to do and do not have enough time for shopping.

Secondly, the price of products sold online is much cheaper than off-line market. (transition needed?) We can save substantial money if you buy direct from manufacturers. And, there are a lot of opportunities buy in bulk for cheap and save money. Besides, sales are frequently held in websites and comparing prices make us buy products at a discouted price. In my case, I usually buy many clothing at a time via online websites since it is reasonable and affordable price to purchase many items.

Thirdly, most conventional off-line stores are extremly limited in the number of items that they can carry at one time. As a result, they tend to carry only the most popular products. However, customers are more likely to buy atplace where they can find whatever they are looking for is available. Futhermore We can quickly seek out a product what we want online.

In conclusion, convenience, price, and wide selection are three benefits of online shopping. (another sentence needed?)

Jul 4, 2012, 06:42am   #
emily713:
second language

Is that "second language" or "foreign language"? "Second" and "Foreign" languages are different

The grammar was not as bad as you said:)). However, you should work on the structure of an essay, especially you should improve the structure of the introduction and conclusion. You should also use stronger and better words becasue lexical resource is an important criterion for evaluating an essay.

(You should open the introduction with a motivator and give some general information about the topic. The first sentence must be attractive so that draw the attention of a reader. After this starting sentence, reword the topic. Finally give your opinion.)Online shopping has 3 three (write the numbers under 10 in words) advantages over the off-line shopping; convenience, cost-saving, and comprehensiveness of their stock (work on the structure of an introduction. What I suggested as the structure of the introduction can be considered as a suitable one.) .

Firstly, online shopping is a sort of (it is usually used in speaking) virtual space we can buy anything what we want and it is accessible most of the time all the time. It is not necessary to look around a few more places. All we have to do is just to type the website address and purchase some items using credit cards. Also, online shopping malls do not have their business hours. For me, it is very useful to buy many clothes via the website because I have a tons of work to do and do not have enough time for shopping [add a summary at the end of each paragraph (restate the topic sentence)] (I liked this paragraph though.) .

Secondly, the price of products sold online is much cheaper than off-line markets. (transition needed? No, it is not necessary ) We can save substantial money if you directly buy direct a product from manufacturers (How??? Support this sentence). And, there are a lot of opportunities buy in bulk for cheap and save money (This sentence is not clear. What opportunities? What is the aim of this sentence? There is no connection between this sentence and the topic sentence? You need to add some more information here to make it apparent). Besides (using the words "furthermore", "moreover", "in addition", and the like, are more appropriate), sales are frequently held in websites and comparing prices make us buy products at a discounted price. In my case, I usually buy many clothing clothes at a time via online websites since their prices ("prices" refers to "clothes" so I used plural words) it is are reasonable and affordable price to purchase many items (add a conclusion).

Thirdly, most conventional off-line stores are extremely limited in to the number of items that they can carry at one time (u can write this topic sentence in a more suitable way. For example you can say that "Transportation of a large amount of products is a crucial problem that many off-line stores may encounter"). As a result, they tend to carry only the most popular products. However, customers are more likely to buy atplace (spelling) where it is available they can find whatever they are looking for is available ((Give an example to support this.). Futhermore (spelling) We can quickly seek out a product what we want online (Why on-line shopping is fast? support this. Moreover, add a conclusion at the end of the paragraph)

In conclusion, [(of course you need additional sentences here:))). At first reword the topic. Then write a clincher (ending statement). ] convenience, price, and wide selection are three benefits of online shopping. (another sentence needed?)

Regards
Ahmad
How kind you are ..!

I became speechless when i saw your reply. It is so helpful and definitely precises what I have to do. Thanks so much, Ahmad:)

Giving advises is certainly hard volunteering work. At first, some thoughts occured to me that few social works based on 'sharing knowledge' like khan academy, what i was really impressed, are same as you did. Anyway, I really appreciate your help. I love this site.

For your advise, I learned a lot and got something...for example, adding a summary at the end of the paragraph is called "closing sentence". I found some examples about this on the internet, and other things you mentioned. And I also decided to keep working out writing essay:) thanks again.

Below is what I revised by your words.
I'm sure that will be better than the first :)



With Internet; Easy to Buy Various Products

Online shopping has three advantages over the off-line shopping; convenience, cost-saving, and comprehensiveness of their stock.

First, online shopping is a virtual space we can buy what we want and it is accessible most of the time. It is not necessary to look around a few more places. All we have to do is just to type the website address and purchase some items using credit cards. Also, online shopping malls do not have their business hours. For me, it is very helpful to buy many clothes via the website because I have a tons of work to do and do not have enough time for shopping. As you can see, online shopping is useful.

Second, the price of products sold online is much cheaper than off-line markets. you can save substantial money if you directly buy a product from manufacturers. Using the internet, you can easily contact manufacturers to buy in bulk. In addition, sales which are frequently held in websites and comparing prices make us buy products at a discounted price. In my case, I usually buy many clothes at a time via online websites since their prices are reasonable and affordable. Clearly, buying products online can reduce additional costs.

Finally, Transportation of a large amount of products is a crucial problem that many off-line stores may encounter. As a result, they tend to carry only the most popular products. However, customers are more likely to buy at places where it is available whatever they are looking for. For example, online shopping allows buyers who want to purchase products not available in their countries to order easily without going abroad. Furthermore, we can quickly seek out a product what we want on the internet because of a few bargain websites like Ebay and numerous information-rich websites. Surely online shopping provides a wide selection of products.

In conclusion, accessibility, price, and wide selection are three benefits of online shopping. (transition "therefore" needed?) It is clear that online shopping can have some great benefits for everyone.
Jul 4, 2012, 10:14am   #
emily713:
Online shopping has three advantages over the off-line shopping; convenience, cost-saving, and comprehensiveness of their stock.

The introduction still doesn't have a motivator. Try to revise the introduction. Each introduction should have the following structure :
A. Motivator/General background, B. Reword the topic; C. Give your opinion; D. Blueprint.

emily713:
As you can see, online shopping is useful.

Do not use "as u can see". As an example u can write the following sentence as a conclusion at the end of the paragraph:" Therefore, on-line shopping gives an opportunity to a purchaser to find his/her favorite product among an extensive range of goods just in a short time as long as a minute"

For example, online shopping allows buyers who want to purchase order the products which are rare not available in their countries and thus they do not need to to order easily without going go abroad with intent to purchase such products. Furthermore, we can quickly seek out a product what that we want on the internet because of a few bargain websites like Ebay and numerous information-rich websites. Surely online shopping provides a wide selection of products (This closing statement doesn't give a summary of the paragraph. Try to point out the main idea of the paragraph. ).

In conclusion, accessibility, price, and wide selection are three benefits of online shopping. [Yes u need a transitional term here) (transition "therefore" needed?) It is clear that everyone can use such advantages if the information of people about on-line shopping increases. online shopping can have some great benefits for everyone.
(Try to end the conclusion with an ending statement called clincher, which can be a "question", "prediction", description", "quotation", etc)

Good luck
Ahmad
Oh, I totally forgot revising the introduction part.
Thank you so much for advising me to guide some structures. It helped me a lot.
By your advise, I added a 'hook'. It isn't great as you expected, but I will keep trying to do better :)

Due to the development of internet technology, transactions online have exploded in many countries throughout the world. Online shopping has three advantages over the off-line shopping; convenience, cost-saving, and comprehensiveness of their stock.

And some sentences you suggested are very helpful. I found subtle but important differences like
choosing a word "rare", to go abroad "with intent" to... and so on. Many thoughts have passed such as
"What I need to do for these subtle differences" and questions like "how can I achieve that". Surely it will take much time.

Beside, closing statement that you pointed out, I revised it again..Still it isn't clear to me:(

Surely online shopping provides comprehensiveness of the products.

Am I correct?

And you suggested a few ways to write 'clincher', it is clear and easy to understand.
Next essay writing, I keep in my mind your kind, warmhearted advises.

Thanks again:)
Jul 4, 2012, 11:37pm   #
Due to the development of the internet technology, on-line transactions online have exploded in many countries throughout the world. (u should connect the first and the second sentences. For example: "The high popularity and great development of the on-line shopping over the last decades can be attributed to its three main advantages over the off-line..."Online shopping has three advantages over the off-line shopping; convenience, cost-saving, and comprehensiveness of their stock.

And some sentences you suggested are very helpful. I found subtle but important differences like
choosing a word "rare", to go abroad "with intent" to... and so on. Many thoughts have passed such as
"What I need to do for these subtle differences" and questions like "how can I achieve that". Surely it will take much time.
I think u should read different texts with different subjects in order to get the differences between words and find the applications of the words in various contexts. Of course it takes time.


Surely online shopping provides comprehensiveness of the products. ---> lets look at what u stated in the paragraph one more time. Two main points were mentioned in this paragraph: 1) Transportation; 2) Some special goods that are found just in some specific countries. In fact the second idea is known as "Foreign trade". So, the summary should consist of these two points. For instance :"As a result, on-line shopping not only could raise the problem of transportation of goods, but also it could positively affect the foreign trade all across the world."
Jul 5, 2012, 06:08am   #
emily713:
In addition, sales which are frequently held in websites and comparing prices make us buy products at a discounted price.

I feel you need to improve this sentence because your idea is not so conceivable for the reader. What do you really mean?

emily713:
Finally, Transportation of a large amount of products is a crucial problem that many off-line stores may encounter. As a result, they tend to carry only the most popular products. However, customers are more likely to buy at places where it is available whatever they are looking for. For example, online shopping allows buyers who want to purchase products not available in their countries to order easily without going abroad. Furthermore, we can quickly seek out a product what we want on the internet because of a few bargain websites like Ebay and numerous information-rich websites. Surely online shopping provides a wide selection of products.

In this para, you basicaly try to say there are no geographical barriers for online shopping. But your sentences are too complex and hence the idea doesnt flow well.

Overall, you can write well and also you have your own style of writing, which I must say is pretty intriguing. Keep it up!
Now I see what I need to revise introduction part. The sentence you suggested is more likely to be understood the whole meaning and main flow. Thanks so much.

And the way you made closing sentence let me get some strategy. First, to find a main points in supporting sentence, and then reword them. I don't know how to thank you for all of this.

I hope that everything you've done works out fine :)
Good day, ahmad!
And Duminda, your advices are also really helped me a lot. I believe you pointed out the main points. But I... just don't know how I revise these problems. Thank you for giving shape to these paragraph. I was impressed with the expresson you said 'geographical barriers'. Maybe I can newly organize the whole paragraph like 1. Time 2. Space.

Also, I think my problem is a vague sentences. Thus I'm going to try to make sentences more clearly.

And the last words you told encourages me a lot. You are kind enough to see my gratitude :)
Yeah I keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!



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