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A Beautiful Sunday Morning -- Please critique my descriptive writing. Thx


answers: 3
Jul 21, 2008, 12:29am   #
Hello again,

This is my descriptive writing. Please give me your feedback. Thank you very much for your help. Here it goes....

A Beautiful Sunday Morning


As we left our front door and marched toward the street, we looked up at the deep blue sky with occasional patches of white clouds spreading across. I took a hold of my five-years-old daughter's left wrist and held tight. We turned our heads as our eyes checked for traffic on both sides, then we hurried across the street. The street was empty and quiet on mid Sunday morning; it showed no sign of car or people. Many cars still parked in the drive way. I heard our own foot steps as our shoes hit the pavement. The bright sun warmed my bared shoulders as we trod along the sidewalk.

We passed by many front yards with drought-tolerance and zero-maintenance landscapes consisted of beds of blue-gray river rocks, dry juniper bushes, and rows of white and blue agapanthus. Occasionally, we came across a few high maintenance yards dressed up with thick green lawns and annual flower beds of colorful impatient. The some sections of the sidewalk was still wet from the morning lawn watering. When we passed by a row of blue agapanthus, my daughter stuck her right hand out to the side with a slide raised angle to catch its flower heads. My eyes scanned ahead for objects standing in our path or for a rare sight of dog poops as we had encountered them in the past.

My daughter hooked her finger into mine, and we walked side by side. Our hands swung back and forth in leisure in the same rhythm with our foot steps like two solders marched down the street. My daughter's eyes were busy looking every objects at the front yards. Sometimes, our head tilted back and our eyes looked up to followed the sound of birds chirping overhead. We saw no sign of birds but a ceiling of dense oak leaves. Along the street, a very long canopy of oak branches draped over the street gave an illusion of us walking in the tunnel. The playful oak leaves hit one another caused by the occasional gentle breeze. Some leaves danced side to side as they flew down from high above. Others spun out of control before hitting the ground.

The air carried the scent of citrus flew over our noses, as we approached the small lemon tree standing at the sidewalk. Many riped bright yellow lemons hung low from the branches. My daughter turned her body toward me and waves both of hands in front of my face. At the same time, her legs carried her body up and down, as she tried to jump up to get my attention. I stood still in front of her. Her head tilted back, and our faces met. Her eyes lit up with excitement and said, " Mom, can we have some lemonade after our walk?" The thought of fresh lemonade made my mouth watering. I replied with a smile, " Sure!" the lemon tree was followed by a long row of tall, red and white oleanders planted along the side walk in a bed of dirt raised about two and half feet high above the ground.

From a half of a block ahead, we saw a glimpse of a gray squirrel eating his acorn under the nearby oak tree. We tried not to make any noise by tiptoeing forward to take a closer look at the squirrel. As our eyes focused on the squirrel and paid no attention to what in front of us, my left shoe hit one of the rock sitting on the sidewalk by accident and sent it flying toward the oak tree. It then bounced against another rock and caused the loud noise which startled the squirrel. He turned his head toward the rock then toward our direction. In no time, we heard the sound of dried leaves rubbed against the pavement as he darted across the surface and raced up the oak tree. We could hear the sound of the leaves hitting one another as he disappeared between the leaves and branches high above. We raced up the to tree. Our head tilted back and our eyes searched for his sight up in the tree, but all we could see was a blanket of thick green and black leaves covering the sky.

After a minute of standing still, we resumed our walk forward. Our finger hooked together once again as we walked side by side continuing down the path in silence. I realized we were doing more than just having a walk on this Sunday morning; we were building a bond. An experience that I have hoped we continue to have in our many more Sundays together.
Good morning.

Here's my suggestions:

"As we left our front door and marched toward the street, we looked up at the deep blue sky with occasional patches of white clouds spreading across. I took a hold of my five-year-old daughter's left wrist and held tight. We turned our heads as our eyes checked for traffic on both sides, then hurried across the street. The street was empty and quiet on the mid-Sunday morning; it showed no sign of cars or people. Many cars were still parked in their driveways. I heard our own foot steps as our shoes hit the pavement. The bright sun warmed my bare shoulders as we trod along the sidewalk.

We passed by many front yards with drought-tolerance and zero-maintenance landscapes consisting of beds of blue-gray river rocks, dry juniper bushes, and rows of white and blue agapanthus. Occasionally, we came across a few high maintenance yards dressed up with thick green lawns and annual flower beds of colorful impatients. Some sections of the sidewalk were still wet from the morning lawn watering. When we passed by a row of blue agapanthus, my daughter stuck her right hand out to the side with a slide raised angle to catch its flower heads. My eyes scanned ahead for objects standing in our path or for a rare sight of dog poop as we had encountered them in the past.

My daughter hooked her finger into mine, and we walked side by side. Our hands swung back and forth in leisure in the same rhythm with our foot steps like two solders marching down the street. My daughter's eyes were busy looking over objects in the front yards. Sometimes, our heads tilted back and our eyes looked up to followed the sound of birds chirping overhead. We saw no sign of birds but a ceiling of dense oak leaves. Along the street, a very long canopy of oak branches draped over the street gave an illusion of us walking in the tunnel. The playful oak leaves hit one another caused by the occasional gentle breeze. Some leaves danced side to side as they flew down from high above. Others spun out of control before hitting the ground.

The air carried the scent of citrus, flying over our noses as we approached the small lemon tree standing at the sidewalk. Many ripened, bright yellow lemons hung low from the branches. My daughter turned her body toward me and waved both of hands in front of my face. At the same time, her legs carried her body up and down, as she tried to jump up to get my attention. I stood still in front of her. Her head tilted back, and our faces met. Her eyes lit up with excitement and said, "Mom, can we have some lemonade after our walk?" The thought of fresh lemonade made my mouth water. I replied with a smile, "Sure!" The lemon tree was followed by a long row of tall red and white oleanders planted along the side walk in a bed of dirt raised about two and half feet high above the ground.

From a half of a block ahead, we saw a glimpse of a gray squirrel eating his acorn under the nearby oak tree. We tried not to make any noise by tiptoeing forward to take a closer look at the squirrel. As our eyes focused on the squirrel and paid no attention to what was in front of us, my left shoe hit one of the rock sitting on the sidewalk by accident and sent it flying toward the oak tree. It then bounced against another rock and caused the loud noise which startled the squirrel. He turned his head toward the rock then toward our direction. In no time, we heard the sound of dried leaves rubbed against the pavement as he darted across the surface and raced up the oak tree. We could hear the sound of the leaves hitting one another as he disappeared between the leaves and branches high above. We raced up the to tree. Our head tilted back and our eyes searched for sight of him high up in the tree but all we could see was a blanket of thick green and black leaves covering the sky.

After a minute of standing still, we resumed our walk forward. Our finger hooked together once again as we walked side by side continuing down the path in silence. I realized we were doing more than just having a walk on this Sunday morning; we were building a bond. An experience that I hope we continue to have in our many more Sundays together."

Great job! Very descriptive! You have done a good job using all of your senses in a very effective manner. Your paragraphs are well structured, the flow is smooth, you have a very interesting opening, and a great closing.
Watch your subject/verb agreement. If both of you turn your heads, then "head" needs to be plural. If only one of you turn your "head", then you need to specify who moves and keep it singular. Keep up the good work!



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