Unanswered [14] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

Toefl essay awards and prizes are given for


answers: 4
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.

Help, it is very difficult to write this essay. The essay may not be logically written.
Could anyone assist me?

Thank you

The question is that

Awards and prizes are given for excellence in various fields. Do these awards and prizes serve a useful purpose? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

I agree that awards and prizes are given for excellence in various fields. In education field, students are respected by parents, admired by teachers and probably selected to enter a famous university. Students who have awards and prizes will have an opportunity to be successful in the globalization.

First, my brother, Karn, becomes the winner of the crossword competition. After winning the competition, he receives and gives a gold medal to his mother, which causes surprises. At first, his mother do not think that he is likely to come in third place; however, when touching the gold medal, she is very delighted and astonished that her son is able to get the it. She is confident that her son, Karn, will bring other achievements which pave the way toward her son's good future.

Second, my sister, Ann, wins a physical competition with a first runner-up. She is one of the representatives that a school chooses. Only one person who gets a silver medal is my sister. When bringing the silver medal to the school, teachers who are responsible for the department recruiting students to compete for the national competitions feel very joyful and surprised. They do not think that she, Ann, is able to get the silver medal because she is not the chosen persons who are apt to be the winner. Moreover, they intend to pick her up for other competitions that make the school famous.

Finally, my cousin, Joe, comes in third place in the political essay competition. He joins the competition because he wants to pursue bachelor degree in politics science in Hardvard University. But, it wants one requirement that if students have a competition concerning politics, they will be likely to be admitted. Therefore, after receiving the bronze medal, he applies for the university with transcripts and the medal.

In conclusion, that people have awards and prizes is one of the standards deemed as success. For students, they become the most valuable indicator that causes those with awards and prizes to have a family prestige, a school reputation and a basis to attend the well-knowledge university.

Dec 11, 2009, 09:15am   #2
Generally speaking it's a good essay but I find out that your proving is not that convincing because although you have presented three examples but they are all from your family. Various examples can get you more points, don't you think?

And you have a clear logic and structure; that's very good. However, this essay may only earn an average score. It's a bit simple, especially for the beginning and ending. Please do not ignore them!Your conclusion is just paraphrase of your first paragraph, which is enough but not good. And if possible, in order to get a higher score, write more words......I wrote 497 words and I suppose it has something to do my 'good' in writing. Good luck!
I understand your feedback. I have trouble doing it.

Anyways. learning from the feedback will improve my writing skill.

Thank you.

any more problems with the essay? i really need answers.
Hi Keng, I want to tell you about the past verb tense here:

First, my brother, Karn, became the winner of the crossword competition. After winning the competition, he received a gold medal, and he gave this medal to his mother, which causes surprises.


Second, my sister, Ann, won a physical competition with a first runner-up. She was one of the representatives that a school chooses.

Finally, my cousin, Joe, came in third place in the political essay competition. He joined the competition because he wanted to pursue bachelor degree in...



Also...
In education field, students are respected by parents, admired by teachers and probably selected to enter a famous university. Students who have awards and prizes will feel encouraged to be successful in establishing themselves in this complex era of globalization.
Thank you for your perfect feedback

I feel more knowledgeable to write the essay.
I begin to know how to write the thesis and the inroduction coherently.

anyways, i will try another.



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓