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IELTS; average weight of people; 'changing lifestyle'


answers: 4
Apr 22, 2011, 10:28pm   #
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are deceasing.
What do u think are the causes of these problems and what measures should be taken to solve them?


my answer:


In the contemporary society, individuals are inclined to get obese easily and their health levels seem to be declined in recent decades. Probably, there would be several reasons for this phenomenon, though which did not attract enough public attention, to some extent. Nevertheless, indispensable initiatives should be taken to deal with these issues.

Referring to the reasons for those questions above, first comes the proliferation of internet. Obviously, internet has been playing a significant role in various aspects of life, such as e-commerce, online reading, remote education, and most essentially, the basic platform for communication and entertainment among individuals, which would contribute to obesity and the deterioration of eye problems. According to a survey conducted by national network supervisory center, approximately 60% of individuals spent at least 4 hours each day sitting in front of computer screen, at the expense of other activities, such as jogging and swimming.

Furthermore, the changing lifestyle also contributes to these problems. Nowadays, individuals suffer more from plenty of heavy work than decades ago, with that a disorder of life rhythm occurred. Adults and children spare no efforts to win the battle either at work or during study, which would cause a status of imbalance of life and work, for instance, their sleeping quantity will be effected, with excessive dreaming or increased times of waken-up at mid-night.

Consequently, essential efforts should be taken to address these problems. First and foremost, the increasing amount of exercise, both physically and psychologically, should be taken into consideration for those who always lack adequate exercises. Therefore, they can step far way from obesity and keep fit mentally and physically. Secondly, it is preferable to switch on and off work and life reasonably, in order to get a good balance, which will definitely benefit one's health. For example, a timetable and a detailed plan can be made to introduce people with their work and study.

In conclusion, the rising problems concerning raising average weight and the decline of health level cannot be ignored anymore. Only by evaluated initiatives being taken into consideration after a thorough analysis of the reasons, can we address these problems successfully.



PLEASE HELP ME POLISH THIS ANSWER. THKS A LOT!!!
sophialee111:
In the contemporary society, individuals are inclined to get obese easily and their as a result of poor health levels seem to be declined in recent decades. In recent decades there has been a trend of declining health. Probably, there would There may be several reasons for this phenomenon, though which did not attract enough public attention, to some extent. I'm not sure if you're taking about people not paying attention to the causes of decline in health or the fact that there is a decline in health. Re-write this into a different sentence or connect it to "there may be..." Nevertheless, indispensable initiatives should be taken to deal with these issues the issue of overall decline in health.


sophialee111:
Referring to the reasons for those questions above, first comes the proliferation of internet. The bolded part, you do not need there. Obviously, internet has been playing The internet plays a significant role in various aspects of life such as e-commerce, online reading, remote education, and most essentially, the basic platform for communication and entertainment among individuals. which would contribute to obesity and the deterioration of eye problems. According to a survey conducted by national network supervisory center, approximately 60% of individuals spent at least 4 hours each day sitting in front of computer screen, at the expense of other activities, such as jogging and swimming. As a result of sitting for long periods of time infront of a computer screen people spend less time doing physical activities. Thus, the internet has contributed to the overall decline in health.Work on those transitions. By inserting transitions your thoughts become clearer in your writing.

sophialee111:
Furthermore, the changing constant change in lifestyle also contributes to these problems. For example, today individuals suffer more from plenty of heavy work than decades ago with that a disorder of life rhythm occurred. you could insert a transition explaining health problems heavy work causes. Adults and children spare no efforts to win the battle either at work or during study, which would cause a status of imbalance of life and work, For instance, their sleeping quantity will be effected, with excessive dreaming or increased times of waken-up at mid-night and could even cause sleeping disorders.


sophialee111:
Consequently, essential efforts should be taken to address these problems. First and foremost, the increasing amount of exercise, both physically and psychologically, should be taken into consideration for those who always lack adequate exercises. Therefore, they can step far way from obesity and keep fit both mentally and physically. Secondly, it is preferable to switch on and off work and life reasonably in order to get a good keep the body balanced. which will definitely This will benefit one's health; for example, a timetable and a detailed plan can be made to introduce people with to their work and study.


sophialee111:
In conclusion, the rising problems concerning raising average weight and the decline of health level cannot be ignored anymore. Only by evaluated initiatives being taken into consideration after a thorough analysis of the reasons, can we address these problems successfully You're not adressing the problem you're evaluating or attempting to solve the problem. Instead of saying adress write solve. Re-write this sentence, try not to be too wordy.
Apr 23, 2011, 09:29am   #
Well, I suppose it is ok.

But sometimes I felt that you try to make sentences seems changable and ignored the internal connection among sentences.
Excellent edit Jesus! Thanks for all that work...

In the contemporary society, individuals are inclined to get become obese easily, and their health levels seem to be declining in...

Capitalize Internet:
Referring to the reasons for those questions above, first comes the proliferation of Internet. Obviously, the Internet has...

been playing a significant role in various aspects of life, such as e-commerce, online reading, remote education,

In conclusion, the rising problems concerning the rising average weight and the decline of health levels cannot be ignored anymore.

:-)
Apr 24, 2011, 05:28pm   #
Hello; honestly i think you should rewrite the essay.
what you wrote is ok but it lacks cohison and cohirent.
plus lots of mistakes.
Good luck.



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