Hello AzeriSentence Length
The first thing that strikes me is your average sentence length - it's over 28 words per sentence. I think you should aim for about 20, and try to have a mix of short (6-10 word) and long (15-25) sentences.
Your clauses and sentence structures are very good, but the essay overall is a little hard to read because of the long sentences.Include more ideas
Although you have over 350 words, you have only two main points. One is that cars
slow down traffic movement
which is a dangerously circular argument (they "significantly hinder the speed of automobiles") and the other is that cars cause pollution.
As Sudharaka suggests, you could add the lack of exercise in our lives because of our dependence on cars, and other ideas could include the physical, psychological and social distance a car places between us and our neighbours
- the number of people killed in accidents
- the size and dominance of the car industry and the road lobby in our economies
- urban sprawl and the changed shape of cities due to cars
- the massive time spent in commuting
- the physical and psychological separation or compartmentalization of work and personal life (this applies to all transport, of course)
- the damage to the environment caused by road building, lighting
- the political and economic consequences created by dependence on oil from a few countries
- the growth of impersonal suburbs and selfish individualism fostered by the availability of cars which allow individual rather than collective housing and movement
- the environmental cost of disposing of or failing to recycle cars, tires and car parts
- the potentially explosive growth of car ownership in China, India and other countries
and these are just a few ideas on the negative side. You could of course look at the positive side of cars as well!Be ruthless!
Be ruthless within sentences: see where you can leave out words and phrases.
For example, when people wait in traffic jams and breathe gases that release from engines of cars in front of them, it could result in various deceases from irritation to eyes to lung cancer.
- Car emissions can cause a range of conditions from eye irritation to lung cancer.