-personally i feel there is a lack of cohesion in the first line of introduction. Improvement in living standards does not really implies to investment of art.
-From an individual standview, more
estabilishment <establishment> <of>
artistic places such as museums <,> gallery and opera have provided people <,> especially those working
<under> high pressure in this high-speed modern society <,>
more convenient and available ways to relax spiritually < spiritually? are you sure about that? I think artistic places give more peace of mind and entertainment as compared to spirituality. Spirituality is to discover essence of one's own being>
as well as making up for their
< monotonous> life.
- you can also add that artistic investment encourages to conserve the cultural heritage of a region.
-Obviously, those who advocate the artistic appreciation more likely rest on the more affluent group of people rather than
the poor <,> who have to worry about the allocation of their low income <,> which constiutes considerable proportion of health and education.expenditures.
-THIS SENTENCE NEEDS TO BE RE-FRAMED. "From a business point, imagine how many residents would go to the local gallery and opera which are built in the area of slums before their basic needs are still a problem. "..... YOU CAN WRITE ," From a business point, imagine how many residents would to the local gallery and opera, from slum areas where the basic needs are a problem in itself"
-Accordingly, welfare service and artistic projections should both be subsidized due to their individual and social benefits. Which
( you are forming a new sentence in the middle of a sentence) should be valued more, though, mainly lie on the economic
< situations> in the area invested as well as the source of funds.
-try to get more ideas. this is not a very easy topic to get the ideas flowing, so try to read some essays on similar topics.