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'The word physics summons two scenes' - Why MIT essay


1st2fall 3 / 6  
Nov 12, 2011   #1
"Please explain your reasons for wanting to attend MIT" supposed to be roughly 250 words, I think I'm at like 280? whoops...

If anyone could give me input on the first three sentences, that would be great. I think it's awkward, but I don't know how to make them work better. I originally had the two items as bullet elements, but that doesn't really work in an essay...

Any help with word count would be great, but some of the examples I intend to keep.

The essay is not really concluded, as you can tell. I want to make the idea of rheopectic paint relevant, as odd as it seems, (it's a non-newtonian fluid) and that paragraph is basically the listing of my reasons, though not explicitly.

The part about the optical lattice needs reworking, (or removal!!!) but the idea is basically that I am trapped, and I can't escape. MIT could give me the energy I need to overcome the potential well. Again, totally willing to scrap this.

This is a weird rough mix, but I think it's shaping up.

The word physics summons two scenes. The first, a researcher's office: Ancient editions of Physical Review D, books bursting off metal shelves with a cloud of dust and the sediment of "filed" student papers from 1993, two computer monitors with the LCD glow of activity. The second, students: An information cloud of caffeinated passion, spontaneously coalescing under trees, on the edge of a fountain, around the professor after class, between beds and living rooms, pushing through psets together.

Though my image of a platonic physics professor is fiction, I know my dreams of assiduity are a reality at MIT. Students learn from each other, as well as their professors. I want to learn from, and hope to contribute to this scientific community.

Presently, there is no scientific community for me to join. My classes are populated by older students who disdain an undergrad three or four years their junior, no matter how interested. My discussions with Dr. LaRosa and Dr. Kidonakis are the only inkling of community I've found, but these discussions are limited by my professors' availability and my limited experience. I feel like an atom in an optical lattice with energy just short of what I need to overcome the potential and a transmission probability only a few percent.

I believe that I could melt into MIT like rheopectic paint, slowly easing into the community and then thickening into unique splotches, making my own mark on the canvas. I could apply for that UROP with Dr. Coppi in the LNS, and study phenomenology. I could join the SPS and take part in a community of physics students. I could take classes with students my own age that would treat me like a fellow student instead of a child.
AMiNENGiNE 3 / 5  
Nov 12, 2011   #2
Hi.

I read your essay, and i think this is excellent, plus it have a lot of good points.
However, I personality believe that your writing have a few short sentences such as " The essay is not really concluded, as you can tell." that it can reduce your essay, so you should use strong and long sentences.

On the other hand, your structures are simple, and they are mostly COORDINATING structures such as " This is a weird rough mix, but I think it's shaping up. ".

Therefore, if you need high score, you should use more complex structures -SUBORDINATING structures -
OP 1st2fall 3 / 6  
Nov 12, 2011   #3
Was this a troll response? ...You only responded to portions that weren't actually in the essay. . .
AMiNENGiNE 3 / 5  
Nov 13, 2011   #4
No, It wasn't troll response. It was my opinion either good or bad.

I think you had that problems and maybe they were valid.

If my response was not good for you, you can ignore it. :D

Best regards.
brainop - / 5  
Nov 13, 2011   #5
The word physics summons two scenes.

Ineffective personification. Replace "summons" with perhaps "elicits."

The first, a researcher's office

Add the word "is" and remove the comma.

Ancient editions of Physical Review D, books bursting off metal shelves with a cloud of dust and the sediment of "filed" student papers from 1993, two computer monitors with the LCD glow of activity.

You're missing an "and.

An information cloud of caffeinated passion, spontaneously coalescing under trees, on the edge of a fountain, around the professor after class, between beds and living rooms, pushing through psets together.

Unclear what you're trying to express. The words just don't fit together. Try to rephrase.

Though my image of a platonic physics professor is fiction, I know my dreams of assiduity are a reality at MIT.

What image of a platonic physics professor? Did you talk about one previously? Also, what is a dream of assiduity? Do you actually dream about being assiduous?

Students learn from each other, as well as their professors.

You know that you don't need this sentence.

I want to learn from, and hope to contribute to this scientific community.

I hope to learn from and contribute to this scientific community.
OP 1st2fall 3 / 6  
Nov 15, 2011   #6
brainop

Ineffective personification. Replace "summons" with perhaps "elicits."
agree.

Add the word "is" and remove the comma.
that's a matter of taste, the essay has a different form at this point though.

You're missing an "and.
also a matter of taste, but traditionally, yes. Again in a different form at this point though

Unclear what you're trying to express. The words just don't fit together. Try to rephrase.
I don't see what's unclear

What image of a platonic physics professor? Did you talk about one previously? Also, what is a dream of assiduity? Do you actually dream about being assiduous?

Denotatively for sure. Look up platonic and look up assiduous, both are being used very specifically.

You know that you don't need this sentence.
I agree.

I hope to learn from and contribute to this scientific community.
I agree


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