Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3


A 200 word limit essay on what I have done, am doing, and plan to do in regards to my degree choice.


qurfy 3 / 3 3  
Feb 27, 2016   #1
Hello Everyone!

What we have here today is one of two 200 word essays for my statement of intent to the University of Florida. I tried not to be redundant between the two essays and hope that I brought plenty of unique information about myself to convince admissions.

My concerns:
-This paper is 29 words over the limit and I am having trouble trimming it down.
-Is there enough info or am I too focused on only a couple things?
-Does the essay start too abruptly? Do I need to bridge the reader with the topic at hand?

I am going to include my other essay ONLY as a reference, so you guys can see what information has already been stated:

My other essay(Only to be used as reference):

Topic - The skills and knowledge I hope to acquire in my chosen degree are... And I plan to apply these when I graduate by...

Ever since I was enthralled by anime's style, pacing, and language, I have gone on to explore more about Japanese culture. Their language's clear syntax and history in particular caught my eye, specifically Hirohito's role in the making of modern Japan.

At UF I hope to build upon my passion for Japanese history and language by taking advantage of an internship at Morikami Museum and Garden. During my second year I would like to study abroad at Kansai Gaidai University utilizing my understanding of the culture and language to engage in meaningful cultural exchanges and develop relationships that last even after graduation.

Upon graduation I would like to pursue teaching English in Japan. I want the Japanese people to have an opportunity to learn from a native to better share my language and culture, and to promote communication in Japan. Despite taking six years of English, many Japanese people can't speak the language. I would address the problems I believe are most affecting this such as the lack of reinforcement of the material, lack of engagement in class, and convince my students the importance of learning a language like English in the world.

The essay I am in need of help with:

Topic (200 word limit): Please provide any other information about yourself that you feel will help this college make an admission decision. This may include work, research, volunteer activities or other experiences pertaining to the degree program.

At 18, I began my journey through the Japanese language naively. Like any other youth at my age, I turned to the internet where I found a mentor by the name of Koichi. He had a blog called Tofugu, which was where I found out how to study the language. I picked up numerous resources and have dedicated time to each of them daily. Such resources as Wanikani, an online mnemonic based kanji learning system; iknow.jp, another Japanese learning website dedicated to vocab; the Genki series, textbooks for my grammar; language shadowing, an audio based practice for listening comprehension and speaking; and lastly Lang-8, a website that allows language exchanges in the form of journal entries.

After some time with this study routine, I became complacent; knowing this, I sought out the JLPT N4 (Japanese Language Proficiency Test). I registered in November for the December test located in Boston. This new challenge galvanized me into studying harder than ever before. I still await the results, but now that this obstacle has come and gone I am hungry for more. I found an opportunity that would raise the bar yet again. The WWOOF (World Wide Opportunity on Organic Farms) program. I plan to travel to Osaka, Japan this summer. I intend to continue pushing myself and hope to find more opportunities such as these at the University of Florida.
hirohussain 2 / 2 3  
Feb 27, 2016   #2
I think you can trim the essay by not focusing on so many specifics. You are listing all of the specific resources that you used to learn Japanese, but that's not really necessary. Try trimming the list and explaining how the resources helped you and shaped you. Also, you might want to talk about the University of Florida's degree plan opportunities, instead of just stating that there are opportunities.

Best of luck!
OP qurfy 3 / 3 3  
Feb 27, 2016   #3
Thank you for the feedback! It is much appreciated.

What I changed in the paper (At least, I hope I changed :P):
-I trimmed the paper down to 200 words. I did this by primarily changing the descriptions of the resources I used to how it helps me. In addition, I tried to be a little more concise with my wording.

-There is one example of an opportunity I would take advantage of at UF. I hope this is sufficient considering the fact that I explain in more depth in my other essay what I plan to do at UF, if I were admitted.

Anyways, enough rambling! Here is the essay:

At 18, I began my journey through the Japanese language naively. Like any other youth at my age, I turned to the internet where I found a mentor by the name of Koichi. He had a blog called Tofugu, which was where I found out how to study the language. I picked up numerous resources such as Wanikani for kanji, Genki for grammar, iknow.jp for vocab, language shadowing for listening comprehension, and Lang-8 for writing; all of which I have dedicated time to daily.

After some time with this study routine, I became complacent; knowing this, I sought out the JLPT N4 (Japanese Language Proficiency Test). I registered in November for the December test located in Boston. This new challenge galvanized me into studying harder than ever before. I still await the results, but now that I have conquered this obstacle I am hungry for more. I found an opportunity that would raise the bar yet again, WWOOF (World Wide Opportunity on Organic Farms). I plan to travel to Osaka, Japan this summer. I intend to continue pushing myself and to take advantage of opportunities that the University of Florida has such as the Japanese Skit & Speech contest.


Home / Undergraduate / A 200 word limit essay on what I have done, am doing, and plan to do in regards to my degree choice.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳