This is my first draft of the essay, and not a very good one (at least to me). I need suggestions on how I can make it better even if it mean restructuring the whole essay. Its about 560 words, maybe too short compared to the others I've been reading on EssayForum, but I read the essay should stay between 500-600 words on multiple sites. Tell me what you think. Suggestions definitely needed. Thanks!
=============================Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
How does this feel? Thank You.
Wooden pieces, string, blunt scissors, and glue lay scattered across the carpet. Creating a mousetrap car was not an easy task. I would toil hours and hours around the project, sometimes almost giving up. I would try different lengths of axles for torque, different sizes of wheels for distance, different placements of weights for traction, all to achieve the perfect balance. At one point, the car slowly trolled ten feet, stirring a little celebration, but it also reminded me that going twenty feet in under five seconds seemed impossible. Nevertheless, I kept on trying different designs. If others can do it, I can do it. This was my motivation to keep going. On the day of the race, I took another look at the final result, a perfectly symmetrical body. Not too big. Not too small. I placed the front wheels on the starting tape, pulled back the mousetrap, and feathered it free... In the end, an apparatus that looked like sticks of wood glued together breezed through the finish line in a matter of seconds. However, there was more to it than just sticks of wood.
The project was my first hand experience at what determination can do for me. Never before did I spend as much time as I did on the mousetrap car. A sense of accomplishment grew inside me with each pat on the back and appraisal from other students. After figuring out how to stuff the award-on-wheels in my locker, I remembered the early morning on the first day of school when my teacher explained the mousetrap project. The project wasn't due till months later, yet alone assigned, but I was already scribbling ideas in my notebook. Although I may have not been a physics genius, it was my willpower that enabled me to cross the finish line.
As a result, I had to ask myself how much resolve I actually had. What else could I have done that I otherwise thought I couldn't? During my freshman and sophomore years, I would barely make the effort in difficult situations. In English class, I would always be the last one to contribute to a class discussion. By not trying, I didn't know what I was missing out on. And so, when the counselor asked me what English course I wanted to take, I passed up AP English 11, and scribbled Honors English 11 on the course sheet. After the mousetrap project, however, I found that my determination to succeed was changed. The time came to pick my senior year courses. I had unwaveringly painted AP English 12 in ball point ink. I knew it was going to be a year filled with pens going out of ink, and thumbs sore of flipping poetry books, but I also remembered the seeming impossibility of the mousetrap project. If I tried, success would not be unattainable, as I soon found out. After spending extra time with my work, analyzing critically became easier for me. No longer was my hand last.
Now, while mindlessly brushing my teeth each morning, I would glance up see yellow sticky notes around the edge of the mirror, each containing a quote I believe in from experience. Before jumping onto the bus to school, I would read my newest quote: "When there's a will, there a way."
I think it needs to flow more smoothly?