The University of Wisconsin values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
I came from Malaysia, a well diversified country consisting of 3 main races, which are Malays, Chinese, and Indians. Along with some other minor ethnicities, Malaysia is rich with cultural heritages. Because of this, Malaysian celebrates every single important dates of every races, from the big festivities such as Eid Al-Fitr, Chinese New Year, and Deepavali to even the simplest celebrations like Nuzul Al-Quran, QingMing and Vaisakhi. Instead of finding fault with the cultural differences, we simply decide to celebrate them. Since I was a little child, I was sent to public schools that are attended by different races. I, personally, never had any problem getting along with any of them. Even one of my best friends back then was a Chinese. I have to say that I am very well assimilated with living around such diverse ethnicities.
Throughout my 18 years of life, I have come to appreciate the varieties of cultures that co-exist in my country. A few years back, I came across a news article about racial issues in Indonesia. That upsets me because I have seen so many goods that come out of interracial interactions. From my perspective, the diverseness has often brings out the best of us. It teaches us about tolerance, trust, teamwork and many other values to keep the people in harmony.
From that point onwards, I became dedicated to promote understanding among cultures. I realized that it is essential for people to actually open their eyes and take at a look at others. Learning about other cultures, leads us to understand them better and respect their rituals, allowing us to live harmoniously. I committed myself to join many cultural awareness programs. Starting young from primary school, I acted in dramas, and performed with others during holiday celebrations. Entering high school, I still got myself involved with plays, and joined public campaigns. I even got myself to study some foreign languages such as Korean and Spanish. My appointment as the President of Social Science Club was put to full use, as I started to actively organize more programs to promote cultural learning, including homestay programs. My commitments did not stop there. In college, I remain active in the societies and was involved in activities like International Cultural Night, with a bigger aim, that is to spread this awareness internationally. After all, Mahatma Ghandi once had said 'No culture can live, if it attempts to be exclusive.'
Because of all of these, I believe I would be a perfect fit for University of Wisconsin-Madison. Not only will I be able to cope well with the diverse population in the campus, I would also give back to the community with my knowledge and further promotes integration and understanding between the east and the west.
University of Wisconsin-Madison is certainly one of the top universities in the United States. Given the opportunity to transfer to the university, I can ensure you that my presence will culturally enrich the community. Besides I hope to grow and develop more from what others have to offer as well and leave as a successful, all rounder graduate.
(517 words)
please feel free to comment on anything about the essay. this is just my first draft.
and yes, i'm not a good writer. hehe.
thank you :)
"I came from Malaysia" -->
I was born in Malaysia...
"Along with some other minor ethnicities, Malaysia is rich with cultural heritages" --> Combined with other less well-known ethinicities, Malaysia is a country rich with cultural heritage.
"I, personally, never had any problem getting along with any of them. Even one of my best friends back then was a Chinese."
Personally, I thrived in such a diverse environment and found a friend in everyone, regardless of heritage or cultural differences (I think that the "Even my best friend" part gets the wrong idea across)...
" In college, I remain active in the societies and was involved in activities like International Cultural Night, with a bigger aim, that is to spread this awareness internationally."
Throughout college, I remained active in various societies with the aim of promoting cultural and ethnic diversity. I participated in/helped organize/volunteered for International Culture Night, with the lofty goal of spreading this awarenes internationally.
These are just stylistic changes that you can ignore if you want, but good essay overall. I think my main issue with it is that you should try to form slightly longer and more complex sentences -and the way to do this would be to add a little more detail: about your accomplishments promoting diversity, etc.
Good job :)
regarding the accomplishments you mentioned, well, I'm not certain on how should I put it in.
I mean, yes, most of the events organized was successful. We received a lot of participation by both the teens and adults.
Thanks anyway. :)
never had any problem getting along ...best friends back then was a Chinese...very well assimilated with living around such diverse ethnicities.
Okay, I see that an important point you are making is that you harmonize well with diverse people. That is relevant, but it is not brilliant. I wish your first paragraph could end with your deepest insight into overcoming differences and blending cultures. THIS IS THE MOST important sentence of the essay: the last sentence of the first paragraph.
eighteen instead of 18
Oh, look! The ending is very vague and weak, too! So, you should add one precious theme, one idea you cherish -- and add that idea at the end of the first paragraph and the beginning of the last paragraph.
I like your use of the Ghandi quote near the end.
