Prompt : To reserve your place on the waitlist, please submit a brief statement between 150 - 200 words telling us why you would like to attend UC San Diego.
ESSAY
First off, I'd like to thank UCSD for offering me this second chance. As an aspiring Computer Science and Engineering student that's interested in augmented reality and creating real world products, I've had my mind set on UCSD ever since two new facilities, The Design Lab and Center for Visual Computing, were established a little over a year ago. The Design Lab is a unique organization headed by Apple fellow Donald Norman, whose TED talk first introduced me to the importance of product design and user experience. Access to the Design Lab would give me the unique opportunity to collaborate with students across majors and learn to design real world products. The Center for Visual Computing is headed by Professor Ramamoorthi who helped build the Columbia University and UC Berkeley computer graphics department from the ground up, both of which became some of the best in the nation. With new facilities like these and the CSE renovations scheduled for this year, the CSE department is growing to a bright new future, and it's this sense of growth and change that I find alluring and exciting. I earnestly hope for the opportunity to grow academically and as a person at UCSD.
Word Count : 200
1. Does it come off as tacky or humble starting off with gratitude?
2. Is there anything I can reword to eliminate contractions?
3. Does it sound like I'm listing facts rather than why I want to go?
4. Do I ever sound not genuine?
I wanted to come across as someone whose dream school is UCSD without blatantly saying it, otherwise it'd sound like begging. My bit on the Center for Visual Computing felt weak since I immediately jumped into how the CSE department is growing, rather than going into more depth about why I care about the CVC. However, I definitely want to mention that I find the new growth exciting and attractive. The word count is a huge bottleneck though.
Jonathan, welcome to EssayForum :) It is nice to see the number of members in this forum are growing fast. I would like to say that none of this would have happened without the contribution of all members, regardless the new or an old one. Therefore, I suggest you to keep giving your best shot in conveying ideas and insights towards other members in this forum.
With regards to your essay, I think that you had an interesting checklist for the reader like us. Let me try to do my best in answering your questions above.
1. No, it does not feel like a tacky start. I even personally think that this is a rare thing to do in an essay, which is good. This indicates that you are grateful about this opportunity.
2. This is quite challenging to compress all the information without using any contractions. From my point of view, I think that you need to expand your contractions first, then try to reduce some unimportant detail, particularly the redundant detail.
These are what you need to expand:
- First off all , I'dI would like to thank UCSD... (in academic essay, avoid using contraction(s))
- ...that'swho is interested... (another contraction problem)
- I'veI have had... (contraction problem)
- it'sit is this (contraction issue) ...
These are what you need to reduce:
- ....ever since two new facilities , (just directly mention what kind of facilities that you are talking about)
- .... to grow academically and as a person(unnecessary details)
3. Yes, this is quite worrying. You need to take a closer look on this one.
4. No, you don't. There is no essay which exactly the same like what you have written. However, my suggestion is that you need to perhaps give 'censors' to the name of the university that you are going to enroll. This is for a precaution to avoid plagiarism.
Hi Jonathan, I would to share my thoughts on your letter.
- student,that's interested
- in augmentedaugmenting reality
- ever sinceas they have two
- werewas established
- giveprovide me the
- unique opportunityopportunities to
- across all majors
- someone of the
- that I find alluringintensified and excitingexcites me to pursue UCSD .
There you have it Jonathan, I hope you follow through with the difference and suggested modifications on your letter. By the way, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we do hope that you find this website relevant as well as useful in your writing reference. Remember, our suggestions here on EF are very comprehensive and the most accurate one we can provide, should you have any questions at all, do let us know and we will be here to help you out.
