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UCF Admissions Essay: I Am a Bird


MieMie09 4 / 30  
Aug 29, 2009   #1
There are two prompts. One prompt is to explain a bump in the road in my life and the other is to explain how my family or environment influenced who I am. I put them both in one.

Since I was young, I learned to express myself in the way that was best for me. When I was seven, I won a poetry contest. My poem was about how if I could be any animal I would be a bird so that I would be able to soar high through the sky with no limitations on where I went. At the time I had no idea how much that poem would relate to my life. But I knew that words were an outlet for me. They were a way for me to form a connection with myself and also with others, whether they were spoken or written.

My grandfather always encouraged me to write. Writing was one of his many talents and one our favorite pastimes. We spent a lot of time together. He was a great father-figure to me. I lived with my biological father, but he was always busy working. Though my grandfather never saw me physically, due to the fact that he lost his sight the year before I was born, he often told me that I was a growing up to be beautiful young lady. One day I asked him, "How do you know I'm a beautiful if you can't see me?" His first response was "well for one, you're a part of my family", and then we laughed. I adored his sense of humor. Perhaps, that's where I got mine from. He then explained to me that a person creates their own beauty by making an effort to be the best version of themselves. His words were not spoken in vain.

As I got older I learned to give people a chance to show their qualities instead of judging them at first glance. This allowed me to take the time to understand people better. I also worked hard to better myself as an individual. I made sure that I excelled at what I did. I did well in school and I was always a competitive person. I won many spellings bees. I also entered an invention contest and won an award for my idea. My ability to do my best seemed invincible.

In December 2005, during my senior year of high school, I was in the holiday spirit. But, my cheery spirit soon became cheerless. My grandfather suffered from a stroke. About a week later my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It became hard for me to focus on anything but them. To my devastation, my grandfather passed on February 21st, 2006. Three weeks later on March 11th, 2006, my grandmother also passed. It seemed that everything that meant something to me was frozen in time. It was a struggle for me to accept the fact that they were gone. But, I had to realize that my grandparents would want me to take advantage of the fact that I still have my life. I had to continue living and make every second count. I graduated from high school, went on to pursue an Associate Degree and I am not stopping there. As a bird is not bound to one branch forever, I will not be bound to the obstacles that life may bring. I will soar high in life with no limitations on where I can go.

Suggestions and comments will be appreciated. Thanks.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 29, 2009   #2
Why combine them? Usually you want each essay to focus on a particular quality that recommends you as a candidate. By writing two separate essays, you can highlight two different qualities in depth . . .
OP MieMie09 4 / 30  
Aug 29, 2009   #3
I did write two essays. The other one is about why I want to attend UCF. This one can represent either one of the prompts above. I just figured it would answer both, but you can help me by telling me which one you think it pertains to more.

Thanx ; )
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 29, 2009   #4
I'd like to see you start this essay with what is now the title: "I am a bird." Then, carry the metaphor all the way through in as many ways as you can (e.g., references to sky, wings, etc.)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 29, 2009   #5
Better yet, pick a specific bird. So. "I am an eagle (or hawk or wren or sparrow or bluejay, etc.).This will allow you to add another layer to the metaphor, and have better resonance than the more general term "bird," which has a couple of slang associations that you probably don't mean, even if they are both applicable to you.
OP MieMie09 4 / 30  
Aug 29, 2009   #6
Those are great suggestions!!! Carrying the metaphor all the way through is a great idea and will help tie the title and the essay in together & Sean that is true. In New York a bird is a girl with no class and that is not me or what I want to portray at all. Thanx a million!!!
ELL 1 / 10  
Aug 29, 2009   #7
Change your fist sentence to something that can catch readers' eyes.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 29, 2009   #8
In New York a bird is a girl with no class and that is not me or what I want to portray at all.

Really? That's interesting.

Change your fist sentence to something that can catch readers' eyes.

Perhaps you can use a part of your poem as your "hook" instead of explaining what it was about awkwardly.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 30, 2009   #9
Perhaps you can use a part of your poem as your "hook" instead of explaining what it was about awkwardly.

That's potentially a really good idea, if you still have the poem. I say potentially, because you were seven at the time, and the winning entry of a poetry contest for seven-year-olds may very well still read like a poem written by a seven year old . . .
OP MieMie09 4 / 30  
Aug 30, 2009   #10
Yea... I don't have the poem in my possession.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 30, 2009   #11
I thought that might be the case. You'll just have to make do with the description of it, then.


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