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'teenagers will cross the ocean' - risk you have taken and its impact


jessie_hamilton 2 / 3  
Dec 27, 2011   #1
Essay for the Common Application. I'm four words over- so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The word count limit is 500 words.

Peering over the edge, I held my breath as my heart skipped a beat and my stomach dropped. The fifty-foot jagged bluff continued into the depths of the water. "One, two, three." I lifted my toes off the security of the rock and plummeted towards the water. This dive was a success, but it does not always end that way. It is often the risks when you wipe-out and have to regroup- that challenge your character and help you become you. Succeeding may be good, but risking it all and failing was the best thing that happened to me.

My first life jump was moving halfway across the world to Kenya for five months, when I was fifteen, as an exchange student and aid-worker. Living in a completely different culture turned my life around, and no longer was I satisfied living for myself. The risk paid off and I was motivated to bring my experiences back to America. I wanted to always serve others, whether it was in the middle of Africa or the halls of my high school. I have often heard that American teenagers do not care about others around the world, but I refused to believe that.

Fueled by my new motivation, I was back on top of the cliff and ready for my next jump. But this time, I failed. I risked my time, grades, energy, and heart to lead a group of teenagers to Kenya for two weeks. Someone once told me that I would not succeed until I wanted success as much as I wanted to breathe. This trip was my air. It was far more than a mission trip. The main purpose was to educate, inspire, and motivate change among those who encountered life in a third world country. I wanted them to see what I saw and feel what I felt. I called it the Kenya Vision Trip, emphasizing the vision of transforming an American generation. It was formed around my belief that when a generation says, "not only do we have the ability and the right to change the world, but we also have the responsibility to do so," things can be drastically impacted in a positive way.

When the participant numbers dwindled and financial sponsors fell through I swallowed my pride. It took time, and was about as easy as chewing and swallowing sandpaper. And even though it hurt, I grew. I learned that failure is not fatal, but only if I choose to climb back up. I have accepted that the trip was not meant for the summer of 2011, but I still believe that one day the Kenya Vision Trip will transform thousands of lives. Twenty teenagers will cross the ocean and come back sharing their life-changing experiences with those around them.

I risked it all leaping off the edge. I received nothing I originally wanted, but everything I needed. The plummet to the water was risky and difficult, but I am still swimming, and ready to climb up my next cliff.
Alikap 6 / 15  
Dec 27, 2011   #2
It is often the risks when you wipe-out and have to regroup- that challenge your character and help you become you. In general you shouldn't use "you" in an essay

and no longer was I satisfied living for myself. I was no longer satisfied living [ ] elaborate there on what you mean by "living for myself"

It took time, and was about as easy as chewing and swallowing sandpaper. Get rid of a few words here so you can add more important detail somewhere else

Your story is really interesting so you might want to consider losing the jumping off a rock analogy in order to have more word space for your own experience. They would probably prefer to hear a quick anecdote with good imagery of something you saw in Kenya that inspired you rather than an imaginary jumping reference. It's a really good story though so it should be fine no matter what you decide. Good luck!
OP jessie_hamilton 2 / 3  
Dec 27, 2011   #3
Thank you! Do you have any suggestions on how to rephrase the sentence with all the you's? I'm having trouble switching it around, and yet still getting my point across.


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