This is my response to question # 2 on the Syracuse Univeristy supplement.
My strongsuit is in Creative Writing, which is basically the opposite of what this short answer requires. I am not 100% confident in this response and I am extremley particular about writing, so knowing me, I will probably never stop rewriting this. If anyone has any input it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
2. If you have had paid work experience what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?
1. I have always been a motivated person longing for independence and adventure. I gained this independence and adventure when I received my first paid work experience. I have been employed at Plato's Closet Retail store since August of 2008. I work as a Sales Associate which entails me to sell the merchandise in the store and cater to all customers. I am referred to as the "Floor Force" by my fellow co-workers due to my efficient customer service and fast pace. Besides working with customers, I also work as a cashier and manage our storage space in the store. It is my responsibility to keep track of the merchandise that enters the store and the merchandise that exits the store. This calls for me to do inventory once every 6 weeks, requiring me to count all of the merchandise we have on the sales floor, as well as in our storage space, and organizing it according to date. Being the main "Floor Force" of the store, I have developed great communication skills. I have truly gained a knack for working with customers and I do everything I can to please each individual that enters the store. I have learned to always treat people with kindness and I pay everyone with equal respect, even if I am put in a difficult or frustrating situation. I gained independence from putting immense amount of time and effort into my job. I work about 24 hours a week, averaging a six hour shift. I did this while I completed my junior year at (INSERT HIGHSCHOOL) and I continue to work while I finish my senior year of school at (INSERT HIGHSCHOOL). At first, I regarded my job at Plato's Closet as a way of earning extra spending money. However, overtime, it has become much more than just a means of earning extra cash. It has truly become a love and passion of mine and I have gained valuable experiences and important information regarding business and service from it. Working has given me the independence I have always longed for and it has provided me with incredible social and communication skills which I can use in my future, a future that will hopefully be at Syracuse University.
This extra paragraph is irrelevant and the instructions want you to talk about your work experience and what you gained from it, well after the first few sentences you started getting off topic about what the job means to you and how the skills can help you at Syracuse rather than just answering the question straight forward. But what you've got was good!
I have always been a As a teen ager with serious long-term goals, I have been motivated by my longing for independence and adventure. One important milestone in this process toward independence and adventure is represented b y my first paid work experience. I have been employed at...
I don't know if that would improve it or not; it is just the idea that came to mind for me...
I work as a Sales Associate, which entails me to selling the merchandise in the store and catering to all customers. I am referred to as the "Floor Force" by my fellow co-workers due to my efficient customer service and fast pace. ---> right here, add one more sentence and then end the paragraph.
Let paragraph 2 be about your many responsibilities there, but end paragraph 1 with a thesis statement about your main idea for the whole essay.
Then, before you begin to describe your job responsibilities in paragraph 2, give a topic sentence for paragraph 2 that says something about multitasking in relation to your main idea.
I hope I explained that in a way that is helpful... that is how you can establish a clear theme for the essay, a memorable theme.
