I was never sure of myself; UT Austin/ circumstance, obstacle or conflict

I am trying to get into UT Austin next year and I need some help with my admissions essay. the topic is: Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, and the skills and resources you used to resolve it. Did it change you? If so, how? I am not the greatest writer so i would like some help with this. This is my first draft. Criticism is welcomed.

Throughout elementary school I was never sure of myself or what I wanted to do with my life. I was the nerdy kid who read books during recess and enjoyed my classes. I never found any people with the same interests as me. Once I entered middle school and joined the video club, which was a difficult choice for me, being an introvert, I found what I liked doing and others who liked doing it as well. One of these people was my friend Kanoa. He was the person who got me out of my shell and being more interactive with people.

We where the only two students who stayed in the club for the entire year, most quit after a while for various reasons. We worked on several videos over the course of the year and, although they weren't particularly good due to inexperience, we enjoyed making them and thought they where great. Because of this we became close friends and have stayed friends since. We both joined the video production class the next year and found many others with the same interests. We improved our editing skills and made several videos together as well as individually. We both got videos nominated to the IVIE's along with several other members of the class, although none of us won. We continued in video class for the first year of high school before we had to stop to take other classes that where necessary.

Because of Kanoa and a people like him I have become a more outgoing person. I talk to more people and express myself better. I have made many more friends and done much more than I would have without meeting him. Most of the work I have done for other people has been because I offered my services, something I don't think I could have done had I not been as outgoing as I have become. Although I am still quite introverted I am much less so than when I left elementary school. I have become more outgoing since then and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I will probably never be able to go up to someone I have never met and start a conversation without feeling scared but I will strive to be the best that I can be.

The concept for your essay is a great topic. I would suggest juicing up the vocabulary a little bit and maybe work on your transition between sentences. Also I feel like your essay lacks a little organization and needs to be at least a paragraph longer. Try creating a really strong thesis sentence that you are going to try to prove using at least two really strong examples as evidence for the thesis. Really expand on these examples and allow your own thought process to make connections to the prompt and your thesis. Also leave out anything that might hurt your argument or really doesn't help it, even if it is true. I wouldnt include that you didnt win the film contest. In your conclusion try to really emphasize how you have overcome your problem and discuss how you have become a better person or something like that. Say something really profound or make an intriguing observation that leaves the readers dazzled.

I'm having to write those dreaded 3 essays too and I'm really struggling with essay c, which I thought would be the easiest. By the way i did like your essay and im sorry for sounding so critical. Anywho I. would really appreciate it if you would read my essay and offer your suggestions. And God luck with UT!!

I never found any peopleanybody with the same interests as me.
which was a difficult choice for me (no comma) being an introvert,


.... this part is not so clear. This is what I suggest;
I found many others who too shared my interests.