Hello! I need help in editing this essay! It is for a internship for the summer. All help is appreciated! Thanks :)
Prompt: Please describe your interest in the SIP, including your science and research background, academic accomplishments, and future science career plans and goals.
Langston Hughes once said "Hold Fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." I have held my dream of one day becoming a doctor ever since I was eight years old. My interest in the medical field not only pertains to the practical aspect, but to the research aspect as well. I want to be able to experience what it feels like to be the one saving lives, but also to be the one finding a cure. Although, I will not have the opportunity to fulfill the first desire until I get into medical school, applying for this internship will give me the chance to carry out my latter wish. Moreover, this internship will enable me to obtain the ideal research and social experience.
Because of my aspirations, I have committed myself solely to my academics particularly in science. Since I love to learn new things, and I value the significance of an education, it is not a problem for me. I have enhanced my learning ability in science through participation in my high school wide Science Fairs, where I received two first place medals for my science fair projects, one in both my freshman and junior year. My research experience included preparing advanced research projects in the area of behavioral science. In this behavioral research, my purpose was to analyze high school students' (specifically 11th grade) opinion on school discipline since it is a continuous problem in schools today. My research question was, "What are high school student's perspective on the most effective way to discipline students?" To perform this analysis, I utilized q-methodology, the study of subjectivity or in simpler terms, a person's point of view on a matter, as a tool to explain the student's perspective on school discipline. It included constructing a questionnaire or a q-sample, on the particular topic and distributing them among the people involved in the analysis. As this project applied only to my school, I implemented the use of my school's discipline system and program to perform my analysis.
Along with my science achievements, I have been awarded for my academic accomplishments. I had the honor of graduating from high school with summa cum laude and participating in Honor Society. (What should I add here?)
With this limited science and research experience, I would like to expand my knowledge and learn more about the research world. This program would be an amazing opportunity for my future ambitions. This chance can help me further understand the medical field I want to study and provide me with insights that will prepare me for my college years and medical school. I would also gain more insight in the research world and how it works. Even more, meeting people with similar interests like me is worthwhile.
Overall, I really hope that I will be chosen to partake in this once in a lifetime opportunity because it would open up so many doors for me. My skills in learning, listening, and speaking would be enhanced which is important for my medical interest. This experience can practically change my life, and for the better. Even more, being in the presence of faculty researchers on a one-to-one scale will prepare me for future internships. It can set me off on my road to success in doing what I desire: Helping the world be a better place.
Langston Hughes once said, "hold fast to dreams..." I am pretty sure that's how it goes, though I'm not sure if that particular was capitalized that way for a reason...
"What are high school students' perspectives on the most ..." (since there's more than one high school student...)
When I was writing my essays, I feel like a lot of sources told me to cut out laundry-listing anything that could already be found on a resume. So when you list your accomplishments, it shouldn't be on the essay, but on the transcript. Thus, I don't think you need to add anything there- maybe even take away what you've got.
if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly
Well, that may be true in a sense, but if it happens that you find your own dreams have died, take heart! Broken-winged birds still can toddle around and peck at things with their beaks!
to obtain the ideal research and social experience.---This is not meaningful enough. Anyone could say this. I think you should end the first paragraph with a sentence that expresses your unique theme for the essay, the succinct idea the reader will be able to remember about you. This sentence must be distinct and memorable! :-)
If you start with that quote by Hughes, you need to continue a theme of not letting dreams die. What threatens your dream? Use the meaning of that quote... otherwise it will weaken the essay.
I had the honor of graduating from high school with summa cum laude and participating in Honor Society. (What should I add here?)---It sounds awkward to use the cliche "had the honor of" and then say "Honors Society" in the same sentence. What you add depends on your purpose. Your purpose should be to share one main idea that the reader will remember. All the facts you state should support and add up to one major idea the reader can appreciate and remember.
:-)
