I'm applying to the University of Calgary and this is the first draft of my career goals statement. Please i need you to go through it, edit and remove what's irrelevant and please tell me what tou think about it.
Thanks.
QUESTION: What program have you chosen to study at the University of Calgary? Why? Describe your future career goals.
A web page makeover. Designing a blueprint for the new version of a game. The invention of the computer that has evolved/ differentiated over the years, and still is, giving rise to notebooks and hand-held computers that can even be carried about in bags and pockets for convenience. The analysis of the just-laid platform of a six- storey building that will house the new campus residence hall. The construction and analysis of the magnificent edifice, which is to be a five star hotel that will draw the attention of tourist and travelers, thus revolutionizing the economy of the locality. These are my passions, my interests, and my concerns. This is what I'd love to do for a lifetime. And all these are summed up in one word: Engineering. Engineering is the program I have chosen to study at the University of Calgary.
Why? Because it gives me great joy to see something come out of nothing, to bring to existence things that have never been and would now be of immense benefit to the lives of people. Why? Because I'd love to know how the computer system operates. I'd love to know the working principle behind the operation of that computer game. I'd love to know the basis for the transmission of waves, impulses, and signals from a switch to a light bulb which makes it to light up or go off. I'd love to know how telecommunication systems make it possible for me, who is in Africa, to communicate with you, who is in Canada, via the phone or the internet. Why? Because I love to see life being made easier for people at home, at school, and even in the work place. And Why? Because I'm especially delighted to have a chance to be a problem solver, to be a solution finder, to be a generation helper, and to device a means to a fulfilling end.
Having said all these and also being propelled by my belief that lofty aspiration is a great cause but d actual achievement of one's dreams is an even greater cause, I believe that my foremost aim, that would help in bringing to a realization all of these ambitions of mine is to gain admission into the prestigious University of Calgary. This is because having a place at the University of Calgary is my best shot at getting all the assistance, knowledge, and enlightenment I need to be fulfilled and established as an Engineer. This being the first hurdle to cross, I also need to be granted a scholarship that will help to cover my fees, without which I will be unable to fully resume and continue studying at the University of Calgary.
Next, I have made up my mind to be dedicated and committed to my academic work while in school, as well as every other program I'd be involved in. I will take every class lecture, assignment, group work or project with utmost seriousness. I will also keep up pace with my course curriculum (/work load- which should I use?) at all times. With this attitude, I will graduate after four years and be able to render indispensable services and skills to different highly esteemed companies and organizations that will need me. Furthermore, I will be involved in engineering groups and clubs on campus where I can use my knowledge and skills to impart a change and improvement, without interfering with my academic work. I will join the women in engineering club where I can work with women who share my interests. Together we can undertake projects and conduct experiments that would lead to profitable outcomes.
Finally, I want to inform and undertake a project, most probably in my third year of study, after I have acquired the necessary and most basic skills that the engineering career demands. The project is something that I've wanted to do since I began my college search about a year ago. The task is to design and create a search engine that suits and meets effectively, speedily, accurately, and with little or no stress, the needs of every user. These users will include children, who are completing assignments, students like me, who are in search of schools or scholarships or who need material to complete a project or task or even want to know a lot about their intended choice of career, graduates, who are in search of good and lasting non-fraudulent jobs, and adults, who need accommodation in good places. Upon successful completion of this undertaking, I believe that it will be an added credit to my resume and should give me an edge over other engineers wherever I go thus I'll achieve a successful engineering career in an established company.
awaiting your reply!
Internet should be capitalized.
Problem-solver should have a hyphen.
I like your personality in this essay; it's very engaging, with rhythmic sentences. Some readers will not like the rhetorical use of the word "why," though. Why? Because it is sort of obnoxious and advertising-ish to presume to know what questions are arising in the reader's mind. And why? Because the reader may be a prude who cannot actually appreciate your sincere self-expression. I say keep the rhetorical "why" questions, but be aware that some people judge composition in a prudish way that would scoff at this...
Wow, you sure are a good writer.
