Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3


Step 1: Greet Friends, Step 2:... ignore everyone and glue eyes to phone.


guitardude 1 / -  
Sep 21, 2015   #1
Prompt: If you could change one thing about your community, what would it be and why? 500 word limit
Please critique my essay with whatever you feel that enhance my essay.

Step 1: Greet some friends.
Step 2: Plug in earphones
Step 3: Play music and wait until class starts
That was my normal morning routine upon entering school. That seemed to be the norm as everyone followed that exact same morning routine. Our school policy states that we are allowed to use our cell phones while eating lunch, switching classes, and during class at the teacher's discretion, so of course, whenever given the opportunity, we would all gladly pick our cell phones. Walking to class, sitting at the lunch table, even during free time, people had out their phones either listening to music or on Facebook, Twitter, or some other form of social media and of course my actions were no different.

Until recently, I never gave my actions and the actions of those around me a second thought. We were all used to passing time on our phones instead of conversing so nothing seemed out of the ordinary. But this year, a new girl moved into town. She came from the bustling town of Trenton, New Jersey and brought with her a new perspective. For the first week of school, she asked daily why our school was so quiet, and each time, I would put my phone down and open my mouth and say, "That's just how things are here." She would go on and say how at her school, friends actually talked to each other and were not so immersed in their phones and that her school was so full of energy. After a week of her saying this, I decided to not use my phone for one day and just observe how we interacted. To my surprise, she was one-hundred percent correct; we were so anti-social. We would move in herds like wildebeests not looking forward but down at our phones. We would greet each other with one word greetings then glue our eyes right back to our phones.

This is what I wish would be changed. I want to experience the same camaraderie that the new girl experienced back in her old school. I would change the anti-social climate of our school and the phone policy. We need to communicate in order to build and strengthen relations, but how can we build our relations if we are too busy refreshing our Instagram feeds. We complain that school is like a jail because we are so restricted and yet we restrict our own freedom to our cell phones. I want this to change in our school. I want my friends to enjoy each other's company and not be so obsessed with a trending video.
bonboncase 20 / 45 15  
Sep 21, 2015   #2
In my opinion, I think you need to state the benefits of not using cellphones more.In your passage, you listed few advantages for not using a phone. "We need to communicate in order to build and strengthen relations". I think your suggestion will be more convincing if you say more about the benefits.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 21, 2015   #3
I have to say, you certainly picked a nice essay topic for the prompt. It is a very timely discussion and places the focus on something that most kids today do not have any idea is happening to them. There are a few changes that I would suggest you make to the essay though. I believe that by enacting these changes, the essay will become even more responsive to the prompt and impressive to the reviewer.

The first thing I would do is remove the outline of: Step 1, Step 2, Step 3. It does not help to move the essay forward and only take up important word count in the essay. Save those words for the actual essay instead. Trust me, you will need the word count for the next suggestion that I will be making. Instead of describing the typical start of class I would like you to shorten that part and instead, integrate another paragraph from your essay.

If you introduce the new person in school earlier in the essay, you will be able to tighten the content and bring the attention of the reader immediately to the them of the essay. My opening statement would be something along these lines:

One day, I came to school and was pleased to know that there was a new girl in our class.

Continue to mention the information about the girl like where she is from and most importantly, her observation about the student body being so quiet. At this point explain the school ruling on cellphone use and explain you did not use to mind it. Then go on to your observation of the campus. After that commentary, you can work on developing what I feel is the weak part of your essay.

What I feel your essay lacks is information about how you would change this situation as it exists o campus. This is also why I requested that you remove the outline at the beginning of the essay. Even though the essay just mentions that you talk about what you want to change and why, the unspoken question that should be answered towards the end of the essay is "How did you start to change this setting?" or "What do you think you can do to change it?" Those are 2 ideas that will show how you have long been considering the situation on campus and that you are a person who would do something to change a negative situation if given the chance.

The addition of that paragraph will definitely tighten the essay, make it more responsive, and definitely catch the attention of the reviewer. Please consider my suggestions and feel free to ask for more help or advice if you feel you need it. I'll be more than happy to help :-)


Home / Undergraduate / Step 1: Greet Friends, Step 2:... ignore everyone and glue eyes to phone.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳