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The personal statements for University of Wisconsin,


kw106 1 / 3  
Jul 3, 2009   #1
Hi everyone, I'm having some trouble writing the personal statements for the University of Wisconsin. I think the two statements are way to similar that I'm afraid the admission office will simply reject me.. I also think that there's too many words in these two statements.. So can someone help me? Thank you.

The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?

One thing that I am particularly sure about myself is my love of exploration, analysis, and planning. When this quality of mine came across with my growing background and environments, my passion of becoming an elite businesswoman was formed. The numerous cities I stayed and visited, and the very different kinds of governments I lived under of, have gradually shaped my interest in the field of international business. The focus of the business courses Purdue offers are way too far from international business, this is exactly why I consider transferring to University of Wisconsin, I want to prepare myself by presenting myself to a more challenging and focused program.

Shakespeare once wrote: In nature's infinite books of secrecy/ Only a little I can read. People are always exploring and learning throughout the process of living, education backgrounds and living environments are one's most nutritious ponds to explore. Due to my father's job as a general manager in a major food company in Asia, I have been moving around in China and Taiwan since the age of three. I have lived in four major cities in China - Guangzhou, Nanjing, Beijing, and Shanghai - which were back then four really undeveloped cities. I witnessed how these cities slowly transforming into major metropolitan cities, and how these cities are bringing the economics of China into the next glamorous stage. So when I first study economics in high school, I grew an interest in the subject, I learned to use the concepts learned in class to analyze the economic development Chinas is undergoing. What I learned in class was just a little compare to what the universities teach. But as Shakespeare said, what we can learn from the environments is infinite, and I simply was combining what I learned with my living environment to explore more about the vast field of business. The process of learning is always full of challenges, yet the fruits ones get throughout the exploration are always the exciting sources their life.

My love to analyze pretty much guaranteed my absolute interest in liberal art subjects; I am especially fond of subjects such as literature, history, and politics. I always enjoy reading historical contexts and novels, because this is where ones can meet all kinds of people; this is the place where ones learn what a community is, and this is where ones learn how to deal with different kind of people while keeping the community in peace. There are endless things we can learn from human beings, people changes easily, and if ones cannot grab the changes well enough, the decisions ones make might not be good enough for a healthy entity. Liberal arts is just another "infinite book" for us to explore, and this is what I enjoyed doing.

Moreover, I have been living under two very different regimes - the democratic Taiwan and the communist China. These two countries have a very constraint relationship, studying in China I inevitably would encounter some unpleasant challenges from the Chinese. Yet I learned to deal with these challengers smartly without losing my Taiwanese pride, because I know being in a community ones have to be thoughtful of others' political view. Honestly, it feels very funny to see an extremely socialist country slowly making its way to democracy. While I was in high school, I was the president of the Charity Club. With the cooperation of the members and also my management, we managed to plan and organize many successful donation activities, in which the previous president did not succeed to. I am now working as a student associate in Purdue's dinning court. Even though I already know that a team member should be as supportive as possible, yet being a team member myself let me truly understand how a supportive team is crucial for its success, and how a supportive team can create a more friendly community. Surely, there must have some suggestions for the management of the dining court, and listening to those suggestions will certainly create a better team and community. Through working as a leader and also as a team member, I learned how to be more supportive, and I also realized that I am pretty good at planning and organizing.

While I find those scientific subjects (including mathematics) challenging, yet my discipline and my determination help me to get good grades for these subjects. I hope and intend to bring my passion for knowledge and love of organizing community activities to University of Wisconsin, together with my discipline and determination. And I am certain I will be one of the proud alumni of Wisconsin Madison. Thank you for your attention and I look forward to hearing from the admission office soon.

If there is additional information you would like us to consider in reviewing your application, please share this with us as well. This is your opportunity to tell us things about yourself that have not been asked elsewhere if you believe they will help us become acquainted with you in ways different from courses, grades, and test scores

"Home", to me, is a word shrouded in mystery, unclear and indefinite. I have been moving back and forth between Taiwan and China since the age of three. I have attended so many schools that it takes time to count the exact number of schools I attended. For most of the years in my life so far, I have been living in numerous different rental apartments, and none of these I stay over three years.

When my father first got the transfer order to GuangZhou in 1993,China is still an extremely undeveloped country,it was a country that not so many foreigners want to live in. Back then, even a major city such as GuangZhou was full with bumpy roads that were covered by muddy puddles, the streets were flooded with pungent stench, and being a scorching hot southern major coastal city, with all kinds of people living there, robberies and crimes were never a news there. While no one in the company want to go, my father accepted it partly because the economic condition of the family was bad, and partly because he wanted to see whether he can win the Chinese food market with his own talent and power. This is when I moved from our little balcony apartment in Taipei to the primitive apartment in GuangZhou, this is the time my parents and I started our "nomadic" life.

As my father kept proving himself as a black horse in Chinese regional food markets, his company also kept on giving him transfer order sending him to wherever that has not yet been exploit. I traveled to more than thirty cities while my father was visiting his clients. China is just like United States, each province is just like a different state, every province has its own culture and characteristic. When dealing with people from different regions, the way to negotiate and manage them is also different. People live in the northeastern China tends to be more generous and direct, when dealing with these people you should also be direct, otherwise they won't understand you and thus they won't listen to you. Yet when dealing with people in the south, being too direct to them will definitely offend them. This is only a part of what I learned in my nomadic childhood, each time I moved, I experience the different cultural nuances. Now, I moved to the United States, and I am experiencing an even more different culture.

While living in West Lafayette (Purdue University), I was exposed to the misconception the Americans have toward the Asians. The culture differences and the great tradition distinction tend to bewildered both the Asians and the Americans, which often lead to misunderstandings and thus fail to cooperate. Being a person living in both the Asia and the United States, and being a person who understands both cultures quite well, this is why I see myself play a role as a facilitator of cross border transactions. As a Taiwanese living in China, I developed a very strong Taiwanese identity. While having a very capitalist and democratic mind,living in the communist China is always a challenge to me. However, studying in an international school, I learned that one should be respectful to others' political views, because this is what cooperation is based on.

Being a student in an international school, I am capable of speaking fluently in both Chinese and English. Being a one hundred percent pure Taiwanese, I also speak moderately in Taiwanese. And now I am learning Spanish, so that I can communicate to more people. Being a student who wants to major in international business, I believe it is important to speak various languages. When I was in high schools, I was an active person. I was the proud members of many clubs, I ran four marathons within two years, and I was also a leader. I was the leader of a charitable club - The Charity Club, I was the captain of the backstage team for the Art Festival for 4 years, and I was also an editor for the school newspaper. Now, I am also an active person, but now I focus on participating cultural events more. Being in a large community (Purdue), it offers me a great chance to get acquaintance with the cultures all around the world.

As a global citizen, I believe my role in life is to bridge the two continents and cultures together. Business leaders and politicians today are all trying to figure out how US-China relations can benefit all sides. I believe I am the perfect candidate to participate in this active dialogue, to facilitate cross-border conversations. In order to do this effectively, I am seeking a curriculum that will round out my experiences and give me the business discipline I need. I have been developing my leadership skills by being active in my high school and Purdue community and I want to bring this to University of Wisconsin. This is why I believe University of Wisconsin is the best school and international business is the best major for me. Thank you for your attention and I look forward to hearing from the admission office.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Jul 4, 2009   #2
One thing that I am particularly sure about myself is my love of exploration, analysis, and planning.
^Which 'one thing' are you particularly sure about yourself.
Furthermore, I dont think you need to say 'particularly sure'. It is as if you are trying to convince yourself as well, since other people may have alternate opinions about you???

When this quality (You listed loads above, which one are you referring to?)
of mine came across with my growing background and environments, my passion of becoming an elite businesswoman was formed.
^How cliche? Exploration, planning and analysis= passion of an elite buiness woman? Hmmmm. If I read those three 'qualities', I would have expected you to state some thing along the lines of academia to be honest. And what is an 'elite' business woman? lol

The numerous cities I have stayed and visited, andas well as the very different kinds of governments I lived under ofhave been a part of , have gradually shaped my interest in the field of international business.

^Ok I read your next sentence. You do not quite say how it has shaped your interest. Personally, I have visited places from Austria to Switzerland to Tanzania. However, that does not necessarily imply that these experiences can shape an interest in international business. If you make such a claim, I think it is appropriate to say, how it has shaped your interest. What is it about these experiences, that made you interested in International Business?

The focus of the business courses that Purdue offers are way too far from international business,
^not the right expression. I also believe that the subject deserves capital letters

thisThis is exactly why I am considering transferring to University of Wisconsin. I want to prepare myself by presenting myself to a more challenging and focused program.

^You did not talk about Purdue's courses being challenging. So why, did you suddnely bring it up here?
I am not a transfer student, so I can not say. However, is it the right approach to disparage your course like this? What if you do not get in. Does that mean you have to stick with this program that you do not seem to truly appreciate?

Shakespeare once wrote: In nature's infinite books of secrecy/ Only a little I can read. People are always exploring and learning throughout the process of living, education backgrounds and living environments are one's most nutritious ponds to explore.

Due to my father's job as a general manager in a major food company in Asia, I have been moving around in China and Taiwan since the age of three.

^Shakespeare talked about his father's job in Asia? Wow..that is enlightening.

I have lived in four major cities in China - Guangzhou, Nanjing, Beijing, and Shanghai - which were back thenpreviously four really undeveloped cities.

*How are they major cities. Develop on that. Cities can be major in terms of economic growth, tourist destinations, financial hubs, fashion capitals etc..I think 'major' is a very loose term.

I witnessed how these cities slowly transforminged into major metropolitan cities, and how these cities are bringing the economics of China into the next glamorous stage. So when I first studyiedE conomics at high school, I grew an interest in the subject, I learned to use the concepts learned in class to analyze the economic development Chinas is undergoing. What I learned in class was just a little compare to what the universities teach.

^What on earth, are you trying to say??

But as Shakespeare said, what we can learn from the environments is infinite, and I simply was combining what I learned with my living environment to explore more about the vast field of business.

^I thought you were analysis the economy...How did business suddenly come in. I understand that the two are related, however both academic disciplines are different. So are both the terms, 'economy' and 'business'.

The process of learning is always full of challenges, yet the fruits ones get throughout the exploration are always the exciting sources their life.
^Not really. Some people realy do not care about learning. Learning, is not exciting to many people.
Furthermore, this sentence needs grammar revision.

My love to analyze pretty much guaranteed my absolute interest in liberal art subjects; I am especially fond of subjects such as literature, history, and politics. I always enjoy reading historical contexts and novels, because this is where

^
You are not referring to a place. 'Where' should not be used.

one can meet all kinds of people; this is the place where ones learns what a community is, and this is where ones learn how to deal with different kind of people while keeping the community in peace.

^
*Look, 'one', is singular!
How does reading historical context and novels keep the community in peace? That is absolutely, ridiculous.

There are endless things we can learn from human beings, people changes easily, and if ones cannot grab the changes well enough, the decisions ones make might not be good enough for a healthy entity.

^REVISE GRAMMAR.
Liberal arts is just another "infinite book" for us to explore, and this is what I enjoyed doing.

Moreover, I have been living under two very different regimes - the democratic Taiwan and the communist China. These two countries have a very constraint relationship, studying in China I inevitably would encounter some unpleasant challenges from the Chinese.

^Replace the comma with a full stop.
Also, I do not get it. Will you face encounters, or have you faced encounters. Either way, adjust your sentence so that it is clear.

Yet I learned to deal with these challengers smartly without losing my Taiwanese pride, because I know being in a community ones have to be thoughtful of others' political view.

^Again, 'one' is singular!

Honestly, it feels very funny to see an extremely socialist country slowly making its way to democracy.
^Does it feel funny?

While I was in high school, I was the president of the Charity Club. With the cooperation of the members and also my management, we managed to plan and organize many successful donation activities, in which the previous president did not succeed to.

^I really do not like how you were bringing up an interesting point on China's political system, and then suddenly talked about high school again.

I also do not like how you think you were much better than the previous president. Your tone shows off a level of arrogance. Whilst I am definitely arrogant in person, I would not want any Admissions Counselor to note it in my application.

I am now working as a student associate in Purdue's dinning court. Even though I already know that a team member should be as supportive as possible, yet being a team member myself let me truly understand how a supportive team is crucial for its success, and how a supportive team can create a more friendly community. Surely, there must have some suggestions for the management of the dining court, and listening to those suggestions will certainly create a better team and community. Through working as a leader and also as a team member, I learned how to be more supportive, and I also realized that I am pretty good at planning and organizing.

^Wow. Once again, you kind of reveal this attitude that you think you are very competent. Do you have any award or something to prove this competence. If not, I would not suggest this very subjective approach.

While I find those scientific subjects (including mathematics) challenging, yet my discipline and my determination help me to get good grades for these subjects.
^What would you classify as 'good grades'.

I hope and intend to bring my passion for knowledge and love of organizing community activities to University of Wisconsin, togetheralongside with my discipline and determination. And I am certain I will be one of the proud alumni of Wisconsin Madison. Thank you for your attention and I look forward to hearing from the admission office soon.

^Dont start a sentence with 'And'.
And dont say that you 'will be certain'. Just say that you will be proud. Come off with a firm approach, that you realllllllllllllly want to be part of Wisconsin Madison.

I also think you should thank them for their time, rather than attention. That is if you really want to include that sentence. I guess you can omit it alltogether.

I may look at your other essay later, but not now. I think I have devoted a fair amount of time to what I have already made some contribution to.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 4, 2009   #3
Both of these statements are very strong. I like the story-telling approach in the second, especially. You say that you think the essays have too many words, and I do think you should edit to be more concise, by eliminating unneeded words and empty phrases. Also, watch out for verb tense! Your writing is quite strong otherwise, so it really jumps out when you use the wrong verb tense, as below:

When my father first got the transfer order to GuangZhou in 1993,China was still an extremely undeveloped country; it was a country that not so many foreigners want to live in.

As my father kept proving himself as a black horse in Chinese regional food markets, his company also kept on giving him transfer order sending him to wherever that had not yet been exploited .
OP kw106 1 / 3  
Jul 4, 2009   #4
Thanks for both of you, I am now revising it.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 4, 2009   #5
As you revise, cut out anything that is unnecessary, vague, or wordy, thusly:

"One thing that I am particularly sure about myself is My love of exploration, analysis, and planning. When this quality of mine came across with my growing background and environments,inspired my passion for becoming an elite businesswoman was formed . The numerous cities I havestayed and visited, and the very different kinds of governments I have lived under of , have gradually shaped my interest in the field of international business. The focus ofI find the business courses Purdue offers are way too provincialfar from international business,which is exactly why I consider transferringwish to transfer to the University of Wisconsin's, I want to prepare myself by presenting myself to a more challenging and focused program."

Also, if the University of Purdue's courses are too focused on local/American business practices, and you are interested in international business, why do you want to transfer to a more focused program, rather than a broader one?


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