I am currently a junior student at South China Agricultural University. Over the past two and a half years, I gained exposure to a wide variety of cutting-edge innovations in science and engineering through both course learning and extracurricular reading. As a result, I realized my true passion lies with robotics, smart device and artificial intelligence.
My future career goal is to become a creative engineer who masters both hardware and software expertise, and makes ground-breaking inventions. Current successful technological advances mostly revolve around virtual aspects of human life, such as social network and Big Data analysis. But in the long run, new and automatic machines will be in greater need since they can connect us more directly to the physical world.
Despite my positive study experience so far, my current institution is not strong enough in engineering, computer science and other foundational science subjects. This is why I decide to move on to another university. After going through a number of choices, I feel UIUC will be a perfect fit for me. First, I am deeply attracted to the impeccable reputation in research and education of UIUC. Second, your undergraduate curriculums strike a perfect balance between depth and breadth, offering a wide spectrum of courses that meet my learning needs. Moreover, faculty members are all distinguished scholars in various disciplines, ensuring high teaching quality in relevant courses. I also hope to take advantage of UIUC's rich research resources and implement my knowledge practically through experimental projects. Finally, I am very interested in pursuing a master or doctor degree at UIUC in the future. Therefore, earning the bachelor's degree in UIUC will provide coherence and preparation for that goal as well as familiarize me with the research work of potential graduate advisors. Thank you for your consideration.
Well, I believe you have definitely some good materials suitable for a Statement of Purpose. However, I also believe that the admission reviewer will not be impressed by reading this draft. You wrote like the most of the applicant in the sea of application. So your mission should be to write something different and Unique which can catch his/her attention.
You wrote so many irrelevant things in a 300-word essay. You specifically wrote in the 3rd paragraph that Despite my positive study experience so far, [...] I feel UIUC will be a perfect fit for me. Believe me, the tone and style you wrote there is not relevant to your purpose. Most of the applicant transfer to another university due to this reason and the admission team well know it. Instead of talking your institution is not strong enough in your field try to write something like "my current institution can not satisfy [...] So I drew to UIUC.
There is no need to write-- I am currently a junior student at South China Agricultural University. . The reviewer knows where and which institution you are from through your application.
In the first paragraph you wrote,"Over the past two and a half years, [...] smart device, and artificial intelligence.". Try to dwell on this on a statement of purpose.
Show the admission team how you came up with your passion for robotics, smart device, and artificial intelligence and how you inspired to pursue in your passion and more importantly how UIUC can help you to achieve your goal so that UIUC can be a perfect fit for you. In the 3rd paragraph, you wrote "I am deeply attracted to the impeccable reputation in research [...] my knowledge practically through experimental projects.". Try to dwell on these parts. What specific program or internship or whatever that meet you learning need and can help to pursue your passion. Talk about a specific group, club or anything that ensure high teaching quality in your appropriate courses. Try to cut unnecessary stuff write more about your future goal i.e "to be a creative engineer." I appreciate you wrote." by mastering both hardware and software expertise, your goal is to make ground-breaking inventions. Believe me, the admission team wants to read something like this. They are pretty tired of reading their own impeccable reputation.
No need to write Thank you for your consideration. and I am very interested in pursuing a master or doctor degree at UIUC in the future.. They need your UIUC interest in present days. Try to cut these things and make the personal statement shorter, clear and concise. 300 word does not mean you must write about 300 words. Shorter is always better. Good luck with your application..
.. I feel UIUC will be a perfect fit FIT PERFECTLY for me.
.."FIRSTLY, ... SECONDLY, ..."
Therefore, earning ACHIEVING the A bachelor's degree in UIUC will provide coherence and preparation for that MY goal as well as familiarize me with the research work PROGRAMS of AMONG potential graduate advisors.
Thanks for your advice and I have rewritten it.Please take a look! :)
"Life is too short to be wasted on something that against my wills". This was the first thought that ...
Thanks for your feedback!
I've rewritten my essay, Please take a look and give me some feedback.
Essay Prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/previous institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.
Version 1:
"Life is too short to be wasted on something against my wills". This was the first thought came out of my mind after I finished my College Entrance Examination, and based on my life goals, I have decided to put in for a transfer to UIUC' s Physics department. Over the past two and a half years, I had tried to gain access to a wide variety of cutting-edge innovations in science and engineering as much as possible by learning academic knowledge and extracurricular skills. What interest me most is using python or flash script to make video games, which encourages my interest on communicating with computers, and was extended to commanding a machine, or even, a robot. Aiming to design intelligent machines, I think it will be a great grounding to start with some physics education background.
Stuart Shapiro, the professor of physics and astronomy of UIUC, who has developed software to stimulate the gravitational waves-- ripples in space-time which was detected on Feb, 11, 2016. The combinations of CS and Physics suit my need to develop intelligent and well-functioning machines, which makes me really excited. Furthermore, I am deeply impressed by innovative educational applications of UIUC such as iclikers. Besides, I will be able to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city because of the nice location of the university, and spare no effort to improve my academic performance.
With all that have been prepared, I have made up my mind to become a creative engineer who masters both hardware and software expertise, and takes making ground-breaking inventions as my future goal.
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. I sincerely hope that I can get enrolled in UIUC and achieve my potential.
Version 2:
Over the past two and a half years, I gained exposure ...
I have rewritten my essay, and with another version which is written by a counselor.
Would you please take a look and give me some feedback.
There's a thing that one of the reasons I want to put much more efforts in study is my parents' divorce, from which I realize that study is the simplest thing and it inspired me. Should I write about that experience too?
My version-
"Life is too short to be wasted on something against my wills". This was the first thought that came out of my mind after I finished my College Entrance Examination, and based on my life goals, I have decided to transfer to UIUC' s Physics department. Over the past two and a half years, I had tried to gain access to a wide variety of cutting-edge innovations in science and engineering as much as possible by learning academic knowledge and extracurricular skills. What interest me most is using python or flash script to make video games, which encourages my interest on communicating with computers, and was extended to commanding a machine, or even, a robot. Aiming to design intelligent machines, I think it will be a great grounding to start with some physics education background.
Stuart Shapiro, the professor of physics and astronomy of UIUC, who has developed software to stimulate the gravitational waves-- ripples in space-time which was detected recently. The combinations of CS and Physics suit my need to develop intelligent and well-functioning machines, which makes me really excited. Furthermore, I am deeply impressed by innovative educational applications of UIUC such as iclikers. Besides, I will be able to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city because of the location of the university, and spare no effort to improve my academic performance.
With all that have been prepared, I have made up my mind to become a creative engineer who masters both hardware and software expertise, and takes making ground-breaking inventions as my future goal. Shakespeare once wrote,:" There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy". I sincerely hope that I can get enrolled in UIUC and achieve my potential.
Counselor's version-
Over the past two and a half years, I gained exposure to a wide variety of cutting-edge innovations in science and engineering through both course learning and extracurricular reading. Computer science first kindled my enthusiasm when I learned to create video games with a few lines of codes. Since then, I began to envisage the ways our world can be made better by advances in computer science. Excited by the unlimited possibilities opened up by digital technologies, I wish to become a creative engineer who masters both hardware and software expertise, and makes ground-breaking inventions. Current successful technological advances mostly revolve around virtual aspects of human life, such as social network and Big Data analysis. But in the long run, new and automatic machines will be in greater need since they can connect us more directly to the physical world.
By transferring to UIUC, I believe I will have the necessary scholastic preparation for fulfilling my career ambition. I am deeply attracted by the academic excellence and innovative spirit of UIUC. Your faculty members are all distinguished scholars in various disciplines, ensuring high teaching quality in relevant courses. For instance, the recent confirmation of gravitational waves benefit from the software tools developed by UIUC professor, Stuart Shapiro, demonstrating UIUC's leadership role in propelling science and technology. Moreover, your undergraduate curriculum strike a perfect balance between depth and breadth, offering a wide spectrum of courses that meet my learning needs. I am also glad that UIUC has been pushing for adoption of educational technologies in enhancing students' learning experiences, as shown by your use of mobile APP, iclicker, for class discussion. Finally, UIUC's location appeals to me as I always look to study in a serene environment and a tight-knitted community.
