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Personal Statement about Experience. What makes you proud and relates to who you are?


Ryushin 1 / -  
Nov 24, 2013   #1
Prompt is "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?"

Was wondering how I could improve it.

At the age of eleven, my parents decided that the best thing to do for me was to send me to live in Pakistan, my fathers home country and leave my childhood home behind. It didn't matter how much I objected, I had no choice in the matter. It was decided that my mother would go with me, and my father would stay behind and continue to earn money in the US. My Uncle on my fathers side, and his family would be providing us a place to stay. I didn't realize it at the time, but that decision would lead to an experience that shaped who I am today.

When I first arrived in Pakistan, all I could think about was wanting to go home. In my eleven year old mind, the only bright side I saw to this was the fact that I wouldn't have to go to school for a while, or so I thought. Less than two days and I was already in school. At that point I didn't really care about school, I just saw it as a nuisance, and something that got in the way of me playing video games. This didn't bode well as the school was on a whole different level than it was in the US. I remember being in ninth grade and learning material that I didn't see again until my senior year. Unsurprisingly, I had bad grades, but I didn't care about school so it didn't bother me. At that point in my life, all I cared about was watching TV and playing video games. I didn't have any dreams for the future, or anything I aspired to be.

That all changed as I got to know my Uncle and other family members. Through their collective help, they inspired me, they showed me the value of hard work, and most importantly, they showed me that I should never give up. So, I decided that I wanted to make something of myself, at the time I didn't know what it was, and still don't, but whatever I wanted to be, I knew that they only way to get there was to study and work hard. So that's what I did. I payed attention in school, I got past the cultural barrier, and I succeeded. I set out to prove that I could excel in school and I'm still going. I was able to overcome the problems I faced, and that led me to being who I am today. It's the reason I don't drop out of school and get a low-paying job. I do good in school today because of the experience I had in Pakistan. It gave me my goals. I'm here at the threshold. I will go to college and I will make something of myself. That's what my past has told me and I'll stand by it. I mean, we become who we are through the things we experience.
Kalikratia 1 / 8 2  
Nov 25, 2013   #2
The story behind this essay is great, but what youre missing is a story. You gave an outline of your life, but this would be so much stronger if it was a story. You could write about an experience or a talk you had with your uncle that changed your mindset and made you focus on school and your future. You give a very vague outline, but there must have been that one day or talk you had with him that made you want to do better and try harder. If you focus in on that one story, it will be a much better piece. Great job though!


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