This is my common app essay
"Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."
I know it is long, but since my field in high school was different from the program I am applying for, I feel if I don't say these things, the admission officers can not judge me fairly. Also, on account of being a new learner English, I am not sure about the words; whether they convey my real goal? Please comment on my essay and tell me its mistakes; in terms of grammar, structure, and vocabulary.
I AM STARING AT INFINITY in the darkness of night. Autumn is here, and the nights have become a little colder, but not much still. I wear something in the evening like every night, and like every night answer the repetitive question of my parents about where I am going to, "I am going for a walk." But the truth is that I want to go out for looking at stars. Every night I walk for a while to a place where is away from the hubbub of the city, and when the sky get completely dark and the stars appear clearly, I stop and stay right there for the next fifteen minutes. For months, this is my habit, and the people think I am crazy due to doing this; staring at stars, the most eye-catching beauties of night, is irritating to them. Not important. Staring at stars gives me the sense of staring at infinity at the darkness of the night.
NOVEMBER 19, 1995 - RAZIEH FIROOZ HOSPITAL - KERMAN
Father: ...Thanks god... he is perfect...
Mother (smiling): ...A cute doctor...
Father (smiling): No...a handsome engineer...
My parents are good people. My mother wakes up every day at five o'clock and prepares us breakfast; she is a real housewife. She has dedicated her life to the family. I really see that anything she wants, actually wants for us. My father is the same. For 27 years, he goes out of the door early morning every day, and comes back about eleven o'clock.
He is really hard-working; he has a family, home, car, and a grocery store. He is hard-working because he has all of these without help of anyone; even his parents, and after years. Accordingly, it is natural that they, my father and mother, want their child be just as their thoughts.
OCTOBER, 2009 - IN THE WAY OF 9th CLASS
I am going to the school. In a street, I see a charity box. By the way, I have some coins in my pocket. Let's put them in the box. My mum always says that every day at the way of school, do not forget to put some money in charity box. The charity box is near a bus stop. An old man is sitting there and is waiting. I go there and put the coins in the box, and then follow my way to home. But for a moment I look back, I do not know why; that old man is putting money in the box. What is this? What feeling I have now?! How pleasant it is. Being influential! But he was much older than me... Wow! I love that feeling. I do want to experience it again.
JUNE, 2010 - THE LAST DAY OF MIDDLE SCHOOL
Art Teacher: Mr. Molazadeh, your son has a great talent for painting.
Father: Thank you. It's kind of you.
Art Teacher: I want to suggest you a nice painting school. This boy really can be a good painter. I have talked with the board of the school.
Father: Oh, You know... okay... thanks. I will talk with Ali about that. Anyway, have a good day sir.
A few minutes later:
FATHER'S CAR - CONTINUE
Me: Dad...
Father: Yes?
Me: Don't you think it's better if I go to that school and study painting instead of mathematics?!
Father: Ali... look, being a painter or artist in this area has no future. You should cover your family in the future and need money for that. And to do that, you need to have a real work.
Me: Well... I can go somewhere else!
Father: Ali... you have to be pragmatic. Life is cruel. I want you do this for your own good...
Me: Mm...
Father: Hey, don't you want to go to a football club this summer? It's cool, huh?
Well, I did not have any special outlook on life in those years. I liked to be an artist, but I did not love. I do not know I am guilty or not? I was 14 years old.
I spent four years of high school in the field of Mathematics. It truly was not that hard to pass those meaningless lessons.
DECEMBER, 2010 - 10th CLASS - IMUM KHOMEINI HIGH SCHOOL
Babak: Hey Ali. Did you see Avatar? How was it?
Me: Awesome. Thanks buddy. It was supper.
Babak: I've seen it four times so far.
Me: It's worth it... really... I wonder how they can make such movies! What kind of people they are... What they eat?! What they drink?!
Babak (laughing): say what they take... I don't know buddy. Anything that is, god blesses them...
Me: Yeah, absolutely...
Life was passing, and I thought it always will be that way. But the more it passed, the more I understood I was wrong. The life and humans were not still serious with me.
At the end of fourth year of high school, the results of universities in the field of mathematics were delivered in the middle of the summer 2015. I was not admitted to the national universities, nor was I any engineering field, and I had to go to a private university, which cost my family a lot. I disappointed my parents that day. The home got cold after that day. It was the biggest fault of my life which caused the reborn of me later.
That was about a year and two months ago, but it seems like 10 years ago. From that day, everything changed; the world became a horrible place to live. People, even my family, seemed other ones. The world showed me its real face; it was time to change.
In fact, I am not far enough away from the events happened in the previous months to write about them. However, there is one definite thing about this period; it was the renaissance of my life. As the world and humans became serious, I became serious too. When I did, the universe showed me my way. Some months later, at the day of my birthday, one of my friends told me about a film-making course was going to giving an entrance test. I thought for one day and at the last day I registered for the test; a test plus an interview. Amazingly, without any previous preparation, I passed an art aptitude test, and I was one of the twenty chosen ones in my province. After only seven months of basic film-making instruction, I experienced nomination for international film festivals. I truly found my way.
Now, this is my outlook on world and life at this point of my life: The more you are stubborn about your goals and stand against the world, the more it gives you things which are even beyond your expectation.
FIRST DAYS OF AUTUMN 2015 - UNDER THE NIGHT SKY
I am still staring at stars. It is a little bit cold, but it's worth it. It is dark, and there is no one around me, but I really feel comfortable and safe. And while I am staring at infinity, I ask myself, "Where will I be at the first days of autumn 2020?"
Ali, your essay does not respond to the prompt at all. This is a preliminary storyboard that is not required by the prompt. Just write about how you discovered your talent. That is the story as far as I can tell from reading your "script". Be straightforward. No settings or what you have written now. The reviewer does not have the time to analyze what you have written and why. He needs you to tell him facts in essay form. He does not need a movie script filled with snippets of your life. You are not trying to green-light a movie project or a pilot T.V. episode. You are trying to tell the reviewer about a natural talent that you have. Stick to the prompt expectations. Do not deviate.
The essay at the moment will be disastrous for your application should you choose to submit it in this form. I have a very strong hunch that the reviewer will throw this away the minute he gets done with the first few lines. Do not use this. Revise it. Just write an essay. Do not make the reviewer think about the relevance of what you wrote. This is not a poetry class that implies what the writer means and asks the reader to discover or analyze it.
In order to truly respond to the essay prompt, take your inspiration from the point where your teacher spoke to your father about the art class. Explain how previous to that, neither you nor your family members thought you had any talent in it but that conversation changed the direction of your life. Then describe the related activities that have led you to this point of applying to a university for Film Studies.
Skip the part about not getting into the universities specializing in math or engineering. It is not related to film studies anyway. Go directly to the day when your friends told you about the film making school that gave an entrance test. Highlight the extraordinary accomplishment you made when you took the test. Talk about the training and the film festivals you joined.
If you just write about your experiences with regards to your inborn talent for the arts, you will be able to develop a good response to the prompt. Just don't do it the way you are trying to do it now. Write an essay. That is what is expected. Don't submit a script. That will not respond to the prompt the way it needs to.
Thanks. I will edit it and post it again.
Ali, although this essay contains the same elements as your original essay, the way that you presented the development of your interest in film, and the relevance of your experience is better placed in this narrative. However, there is still a portion that I believe your essay can do without. The part about the time when you put the coins in the box does not have any connection with the artistry that you developed in art class, nor does it connect with your enrollment in film school. So you should just remove that part of your essay. It just does not work in telling your story. It is a disconnected dot at the moment.
What I think would better improve your essay would be if you simply used the two paragraphs relating to art class and your eventual enrollment in film class. In the second paragraph, explain how you were affected by the idea that you could have done better in art school than the regular high school doing Math and Physics like your parents wanted. Explain how the discovery of art had an impact on your life. Use it as a transition to your interest in film.
Then, when you discuss your decision to take the test in film class, make it seem like the decision was something that you had to struggle with, knowing that your parents were against you taking art classes. Explain that this was the reason that you felt lost and did not pass your university tests. We have to show that you are a natural film maker who was being held back by circumstance until the day fate decided to step in and help you out through your cousin.
Your story as an up and coming film maker is truly interesting. It has all the elements and plot points of a well developed film. Just leave out the story of the old man at the beginning and concentrate on the points I enumerated above in order to better expand and explain your talent development in the essay. I am sure it will work out well for you :-)
Thank you. your tips are truly helpful.
hello again. would you please review this again.
It is said that the position of the stars influences events and individuals destiny. Similarly, I believe that there are the dots in the individuals' life which their position and connection with each other influence the people's future. Of course it is impossible to connect the dots looking forward and while they are taking place; you can only connect them looking backward. Likewise, there some dots and events in my life that have led me to understand and believe my talent and ability in art and film making. I want to tell you about the three dots from my life among several dots, which I think are some of the brightest ones.
Being artist. During the three years of the middle school, I was the best student in painting. However, I really would not pay attention to that; I would just paint during the art classes and enjoy painting. But at the last day of the middle school, my art teacher made an alteration in my life. My art teacher told my father that I have a great talent for painting and recommended an art school to my father; he had talked with the school board, and I could enroll at that respected school easily. Although my parents disregarded this matter, and I studied in the field of Math and Physics in the high school, that conversation made us aware of the artistic talent that previous to that, neither I nor my parents knew about it.
Being lost. The high school years were the slow-motion part of my life. The days would pass, and I would just study the lessons that I did not know what will do for me in the future. My parents would encourage me for my scores, yet I did not have any special feeling. I felt confused and lost; I did not know where I was going to. The more I approached to the end of the high school, the more those feelings weakened my function in any aspect. During those years, whenever I would pass by that art school, a lot of unanswered questions would pass through my mind in the blink of an eye.
Being film maker. Failing the math entrance exam of universities was the best thing that could have ever happened to me; it freed me to enter the true way of my life. Of course I really did not know what to do for a few months, but I believed that life was short and my time was limited. I did not want spend the years of my life pointlessly from the bottom of my heart. So something slowly began to change my mind and outlook on life.
During this period, in mid-autumn of the last year, one of my friends told me about the film school (Iranian Youth Cinema Society) that was going to give an entrance test for a seven-month period of film making. It was only one more day to the end of registration period. I thought for one day and then made the most momentous decision of my life and registered for that test. It was an art and film aptitude test consisted of two parts-written test and interview. During answering the questions in both parts, I was amazed that from where those perfect answers were coming out; I was acquiring a clear self-awareness while taking the test. My answers were so fine that unlike the other applicants, my interview only took four minutes. Training of this short course included the basics of screenwriting, camerawork, directing and editing of short films. My parents told me that I had better leave the course and prepare myself for the next year math entrance exam of universities, yet my progress in the Youth Cinema Society was so fast that it had become usual to me to be applauded every session in the classes by the teachers and classmates. I was following my heart for the first time in my life. Late in that course, one of my films was nominated for several festivals, a couple of which were international festivals such as EyeCatcher International Film Festival in the United States. This astonished my family, the teachers and members of the Youth Cinema Society. I got to that point only after seven months of basic film making training, while most of the old members had not after years.
Ultimately, I am pretty sure that none of this would have happened if I had not failed that exam, and if all of those dots had not been connected with each other. But fortunately they have led me to the point in my life where I am applying to one of the finest universities in the world and for film studies.
Ali, you finally got it :-) This is the best version of your story so far. I do believe that you can already use this version of the essay to respond to the prompt. There are no more loose ends that need to be cut away from the story. It is tight, informative, insightful, and offers a lesson about coming into oneself when the time is finally right. I believe that this will be acceptable to the reviewer. I would just like to point out some important grammar corrections if you don't mind :-)
Par. 1:
It is said that the position of the stars influences events and AN individual's destiny.
Similarly, I believe that there are the dots in the individuals' 'S life IN which their position and connection with each other influence the PERSON'S future.
events in my life that have led me to understand and believe IN my talent and ability in art and film making
Par. 2:
Being AN artist.
During the MY three years of the middle school
However, I really would not pay attention WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION to that;
But at ON the last day of the middle school, my art teacher made an alteration in CHANGED my life.
that conversation made us aware of the artistic talent that previous to that PREVIOUSLY, neither I nor my parents knew about it .
Par. 3:
Being lost. The high school years were the slow-motion part of my life.
I would just study the lessons that I did not know what will do for me in the future WAS NOT SURE WOULD HELP ME IN THE FUTURE.
My parents would encourage me for BASED ON my scores,
I did not know where I was going to .
The more I approached to the end of the high school,
During those years, whenever I would pass by that art school, a lot of unanswered questions would pass through my mind in the blink of an eye .
Par. 4:
Being A film maker
I did not want spend the years of my life pointlessly from the bottom of my heart LIVING MY PARENTS DREAMS FOR ME.
During this period, in mid-autumn of the last year,
going to give an entrance test for a seven-month period of film making COURSES.
It was only I HAD one more day to CONSIDER IT BEFORE the end of registration period.
It was an art and film aptitude test consisted CONSISTING of two parts -written test and interview.
During WHILE answering the questions in both parts,
I was amazed that from where AT those perfect answers THAT were coming out;
Training of FOR this short course included the basics of screenwriting
Youth Cinema Society was so fast that it had become usual to FOR me to be applauded IN every session
international festivals such as THE EyeCatcher International Film Festival in the United States.
It is kind of you to help me. I would like to know whether there is any other grammar correction in this essay? (both this one and the summer)
vangiespen, I hope you will be one of the dots. Thanks for everything.
