Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you
Speak Up
In my seventeen years of existence, I have never felt as uncomfortable and out of place as I have on my first day of high school. Being a new student to the prestige Kingswood Oxford, I already felt like I did not belong to the preppy private school. What made my first day of high school particularly extrinsic was the predicament I found myself in science class.
It was the first science class of the year and the class was already in a heavy discussion on science and religion. Remarkably, almost everyone in the class was an atheist and had little to no respect for religion. As my boorish classmates bashed religions like Christianity, no one said anything to oppose them. In rage, I could not help myself from wanting to denounce everyone; however, it was difficult for me to overcome my taciturn behavior and confess that I was being offended by what they were saying. I had already felt out of place as it was, being a "new kid" in school. While I was having an inner war with my conscience on what to should do, I suddenly had an epiphany. I realized that my religion was one of the most important aspects in my life. My whole life and every value in it were shaped by my religion. Mustering up courage, I finally spoke up.
The five minutes I was talking were the longest, most uncomfortable five minutes of my life. I could feel the eyes of every student penetrating into my skull as I explained how important Christianity was to my life. I felt more and more like an unwanted nuisance as I saw the impudent reactions from my classmates. Not letting this falter me, I did not stop until I was done. I knew what was most important to me and that was all that mattered.
This unforgetful experience taught me a valuable lesson: standing up for what you believe in. Speaking up in front of people I did not know in a school I did not belong in was one of the toughest challenges for me. Yet, I was able to do this because I realized in the grand scale of things, standing up for what you believe in is more important than trying to impress others.
If I had not spoken up that day, I would have regretted it forever. I grew up with the Christian religion and its significance is forever instilled in me. Christianity has shaped my values and influenced the choices I make. The Sundays I spent at church and the summers I devoted on mission trips would have all been a useless waste of time if I had not stood up for my faith. If I had conformed to my classmates, I would have contravened everything I believed in.
This event sparked a new beginning in my life. Standing up for my religious beliefs allowed me to see beyond the conformities of life, helping me to grow as a young adult. More importantly, it helped me to learn more about myself. From this experience, I finally realized what really matters in my life, and nothing is more important than standing up for that. This unforgettable experience has left a lasting impression on me and has truly changed my life.
This is what i have after my third draft. I still feel like there is much room for improvement and revisions. Any suggestions??
The essay is great. I felt like cheering. and I tend to be more on the side of your classmates.
It is organized well, and flows well. That adds to it, too
The only problem I see is some of the vocabulary choices. For example, 'extrinsic' and 'falter.' 'Falter does not take an object, though you provided one. You could rework that phrase so it doesn't have you as the object.
Some vocab choices are great. I especially like 'contravened.' Perfect.
Well done. Just needs a little tweaking.
Thanks. I made revisions to my essay after realizing that I misused some vocab words. I appreciate your help
Much better. Changing the vocab changed the sense of sincerity. This is just like you would have spoken it. Wonderful!
This essay is really well written but the only suggestion i have is that you should be careful about repetitiveness:
"This unforgettable experience taught me a valuable lesson: to stand up for what I believe in."
"if I had not stood up for my faith."
"If I had conformed to my classmates,"
"Standing up for my religious views allowed me to see beyond the conformities of life"
"I realized how important my religion was in my life"
"there was nothing more important than standing up for that."
when people read your essay, even if the essay has a really great message behind it, it can get kind of boring if you repeat words or phrases too much.
but other than that, I really enjoyed your essay. great job! =)
P.S. i don't think conformities is a word.
hey! I enjoyed ur essay cuz i had similar experiences and standing up for ur own cause is really great and rewarding.
but i think u might want to tell us why christianity is so impt to u cuz it seems that u keep saying that ur religion is of utter importance to u but u rarely show it thru events or else.
Good Luck tho!
