Hi, I am looking for your feedback about the following aspects of my two essays that are written below - flow of the essay, grammar, word choices, and overall feeling. Any help is greatly appreciated, and will be reciprocated. Thank you!
"Why do you want to transfer? (250-650 words)"
I sat with a piece of an A4-sized white paper in front of me. It's been fifteen minutes of twirling and tapping the pen on the desk. I was getting antsy, but not because I was nervous. I just really hated doing it. Plus, I just made one last Summer! Luckily, the first part was easy - draw a horizontal line going across the middle of the paper, dividing it into three equal parts by drawing four notches. In Korean, I labeled each notch: "Short term", "Five years", "Ten years", "Thirty years".
Since I was a child, my father always emphasized to me the importance of creating a timeline of my life, and that it should have the following main components: goals, dreams, and the tools I would need to achieve them. I used to oblige to this semiannual ritual just to fulfill the duty, and without having met my passion yet, I couldn't even begin to grasp what my true dreams were.
I picked up the pen again, and started to write. "Earn a lot of money", "Marry a beautiful wife", "Have a nice job" I was recycling the ones I used a few years back, and my timeline began to fill with unfounded wishes. Deep inside, I knew how meaningless the timeline was.
Being out in the real world post-high school gave me the nourishments I needed to mature, and I began to figure out what the important things of life are. I began looking ahead into the future, trying to imagine what it was going to look like, and what I wanted it to become. Inner qualities became the new external beauty in the people I associated with, and even the girls I liked. Although having a lot of money is nice, I didn't want it to be the deciding factor of my dreams. I started to think of my career choice as marriage. After all, we spend about half of the time we are awake, at work. The changes in the way I was thinking started to make it more clear to me what the components of my timeline were - or, perhaps it was the other way around. The ritual I used to take for granted has been subconsciously guiding me towards the things I value the most: passion, relationships, and education. With these components being the foundation of my paradigm, my timeline became true and clear, and I knew that college education as well as experience are the most valuable tools I need to achieve my dreams.
My life has been cluttered with less-typical responsibilities arising from nine years of financial and physical exhaustion that my parents faced as a part of immigration. My older brother has been striving on his own in California since in ninth grade, and has recently become financially successful enough to heartily adopt those less-typical responsibilities. Being cognizant of the fact that my family is always thinking of and sacrificing for me, I'm sure that the biggest reason why my parents moved to California (in 2014) was so that I can freely pursue what I need.
On February 2016, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Knowing my undeniable drive and determination for my future, I would have done well in college even without the awareness of ADHD. However, the increase in self-awareness will definitely improve the way I organize my life. Additionally, the choice - which I have never been able to make with confidence until now - to consolidate my life and devote my future on the subjects that I am passionate about, will be a huge factor in achieving my goals. I am ready, and my timeline awaits for its alma mater studiorum to make it a possibility...
Hi Kev510,
For the first essay:
May I know what are you exactly transferring to? Your writing makes a fitting recount essay, but I don't really see how does it strongly express your desire to transfer (besides the last para).
For the second essay:
The question states that you should write about your academic life. However, the last three paragraphs do not show a clear connection to the topic. Perhaps you could elaborate more on the IT program which you have enrolled yourself in, or about extra curricular activities that you have partaken back in high school?
Hi Kevin,
Overall I liked your creativity and your writing was excellent, but it's not fitting for a transfer essay. Instead, start by talking about why you want to transfer, but be careful not to bash your college. Maintain an optimistic outlook and talk about how your college shaped you, what clubs you were involved in, what classes you liked, etc and give a BRIEF overview. In your next paragraph talk about what you have done since you began college, which is maybe where you can mention your ADHD. Did you participate in any internships? Start a new job? In your next paragraph talk about clubs you were involved in, and if there are clubs that you want to continue doing after you transfer definitely include that! Also talk about clubs that your current college doesn't offer that you want to join when you transfer. Finally, talk about your college's limitations and your career aspirations.
