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'scene on a TV'. University of Florida - I'm super nervous for my status let me know what you think!


Gab 1 / 1  
Jan 8, 2016   #1
Prompt: Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, "Our loyalties must transcend our race, our tribe, our class, and our nation; and this means we must develop a world perspective." Describe a time when your perspective changed. How did your perspective change and why did it change?

I saw a scene on a TV screen: a young boy, not much older than me, stripped of his clothes, laying bare on a cold concrete floor, chained. His entire body shaking and stained with his own blood. His captor was videotaped beating the nameless, helpless boy until he no longer moved. When his screams came to a stop, it felt like my heart did too. I always believed in a peaceful world, but also knew that the world could be cruel. The monstrous treatment of the boy opened my eyes to the real world in which we live, it changed how I view the world. It made me feel mixed emotions; anger, uselessness, even powerlessness. Yet at the same time it sparked a fervor for justice inside me. I found myself driven to serve and prevent similar things from happening again. From that moment on, I knew criminal justice was not just something I wanted to pursue, it was my passion.

My name is ______, I am seventeen years old and am from ______. I grew up in humble beginnings to a family of seven. My parents always taught me how to be grateful for the few things we have and to work hard for the things I want. Because of the constant struggle my family face, I grew ambitious to set goals and to do whatever it takes to achieve them. My parents taught me honesty, gave me love and integrity; they play a big role in how I came to be the person I am today. The person I want to be is selfless, yet ambitious; strong, yet humble; open minded, yet systematic. However, the person that I am is human, and I make mistakes. Through these mistakes I have learned, experienced, and grown into the person I am today, a better me. When I see someone beaten, abused, not given an opportunity to live a meager life, it pains me deeply, and I desire to make a change. I realize that I am just one girl with an immense dream to change the world because I saw the gory image of the boy on the TV, I knew I was destined to become a woman that could help make the world a better place.

Criminal justice is my passion, I aspire to graduate with a Masters degree in Criminology and Law, and pursue employment in the Federal Bureau of Investigation. University of Florida is my dream school, my goals are ambitious and I plan to work hard to achieve them. Although my success story is under construction, I believe you can help me shape it by giving me the tools to accomplish goals. Inversely, I believe I can bring integrity and enthusiasm to everything I do at UF. I am committed to my studies, focused on my goals, and would be proud to be part of the UF community.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 9, 2016   #2
Gab, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

2nd paragraph

- to work hard for the things Iwe want.
- Because ofWith (refrain from using "because" in the beginning of your essay) the constant struggle my family face,
- opportunity to live a meager life,
- it deeply pains me deeply ,

Final paragraph
- Inversely, I believe I can bringmy integrity and enthusiasm to everything I do is what I offer at UF.
- I am committed to my studies, focused on my goals, and would be proud to be part of the UF community.

There you have it Gab,for future reference, keep your focus on the prompt, it's always good when you add personal effects in the essay but it's important that you go direct to the purpose of the essay, I hope my insights and remarks helped.
OP Gab 1 / 1  
Feb 4, 2016   #3
Thank you! Yes, it did help, in hindsight, I feel as if I could have done a lot better. I'll make sure to watch out next time for little mistakes like those.
ADIE08 29 / 32 1  
Feb 9, 2016   #4
I grew up in humble beginnings tobeginnings in a family of seven.

Yet at the same time, (with coma) it sparked a fervor for justice inside me


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