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Right now, what is uniquely you?--Absence and knowledge--my story


McClungE 1 / 3 1  
Oct 3, 2015   #1
Feel free to critique me on anything that could make this essay better. Thanks so much, I really do appreciate it.

Prompt: Right now, what is uniquely you?

What's uniquely me? What's unique about me? This is a question I've struggled to answer for a long time, a question I've always tried to avoid. Why? I was always afraid of giving the wrong answer or not saying the right thing. Always afraid that if I answered truthfully, people may look at me different and think " Wow. That's it.". However, over the years I've learned that my truth is simple and there is no way to escape that. Although the truth to my uniqueness may be simple, my story is not. This is me, this is who I am.

The biggest challenge I've ever had to face was growing up in a single parent household, but being raise by my mother alone is something I wouldn't trade for the world. Growing up this was normal to me, even though I knew I was missing that father figure. I often found myself trying to fill the void of my father not being active in my life. I never understood how a man of so much intelligence couldn't be as active as he possibly could in his daughter's life. I always blamed myself for my father's absence.

My father was supposed to be the first man I fell in love with. He was supposed to be my protector, my comforter. He was neither. Although I knew my father supported me and loved me unconditionally, it was hard to find truth in him because I felt like he failed me. It was the years that passed that helped me to stop believing I was the reason for his absence. Within those years, I learned the meaning and importance of responsibility.

This led me to realizing that all I needed was my mother to guide me and lead me to success and she did. It is true, I am a product of an absent father, but my mother filled both shoes being both my mother and my father. She managed to care for me and my little sister though failing nursing school and losing her job. Through all of this, she never gave up, although she may have wanted to.

My mother decided to try again at nursing school, despite all the challenges she was going to face. My mother faced her reality and for the first time in a long time, she realized that all she needed to do was dedicate herself to her work and she did. My mother graduated nursing school with a 4.0. She exemplified the importance of hard work and dedication. She showed me what it meant to be a strong African American woman. She now works for OrthoCarolina, she's the happiest she's ever been and I couldn't be prouder.

When times were hard, she managed to provide me and my sister all the necessities we needed. She made it her number one priority to focus on her family and her education. Though this, she instilled in me the values of education and what it took to be successful. Her dreams of being a nurse and caring for me and my sister didn't stop her from reaching her goals.

This was the path to my uniqueness. Over achieving is my uniqueness. This not only inspired me to not only be better than my father but better than my mother as well. My mother's dedication to her education encouraged me to strive to do the best I can and set the highest goals for myself. My father's absence motivated me intrinsically from my fear of failure. I am undoubtedly an overachiever. Perfection is what I desire and nothing will stop me from achieving it.

I've been doubted. My strength has been tested, but I've always been able to overcome because I won't let myself fail. I refuse to let myself fail. My love for over achieving won't let me, no matter how difficult the battle. Grades are my tools of triumph, the show underlying realms of challenges some couldn't even dream of. Being the first out of my family to receive a college degree is my goal and my motivation for over achieving will help me reach that goal. I am an African American woman. A strong African American woman that has been through hardships and shortcomings. My education is something no one can take from me. It will forever be mines. I desire more education, I desire to win and I will. Nothing can hold me back, nothing can stop me. I am Essence McClung. This is my story.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 3, 2015   #2
Hi Essence. Let me start by telling you that your story is quite interesting. Grammar warts and all, the story of what made you uniquely you is one that others in your position can identify with. Your opening statement comes in strong and intriguing. You were able to reel in the reader. That's a good thing.

That said, I think that your closing paragraph is actually quite stronger than your introduction. I like the way you closed it by saying " I am Essence McClung. This is my story." It tells us there is really something more to what you have just said and it entices us to read more. If you reverse the position of the paragraphs and close with "Although the truth to my uniqueness may be simple, my story is not. This is me, this is who I am." and add the word uniquely in this manner: "This is me, this is who I uniquely am." You will create a far stronger closing declaration than the one you have at the moment.

There are some grammatical errors in the essay that need to be addressed. Maybe it was because you were writing quite fast and did not have time to proof read it. So let me show you the corrections here :-)

Growing up , this was normal to me.Even though...

lead me to success. andShe did

but my mother filled both shoes, being both my mother and my father

Thr ough this, she instilled

thethat show

receive a college degree is my goal . My motivation for over achieving that will help me reach that goal.

be mines

Let us know if there is anything else we can help you with :-)
OP McClungE 1 / 3 1  
Oct 4, 2015   #3
Thank you so much, I will make the necessary changes you mentioned. One question though, I'm doubting my essay. I feel it's not good enough. Do you believe it's a good essay?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 4, 2015   #4
I believe that this is a very good essay Essence. If you will take note of my earlier response to your posting, you will notice that I admired the content of your essay. As I was reading what you wrote, I felt some sort of connection with you. An empathy that helped me better understand where you were coming from and where you wanted to go and how your uniqueness affects you as a person. The clearest message of your essay, the essences of your personality, is that you want to succeed in improving your life regardless of what obstacles you face.

Your conviction in your belief regarding what makes you unique really came through in your writing. The adjustments I suggested were meant to better enhance the message of your essay. If you are having any doubts about what you wrote, you still have time to review,revise, and edit the essay. When is your deadline for submission? I can work with you on this essay if you'd like.

Can you tell me why you have any doubts about your essay? If it is not too personal a reason to share here on the board, maybe I can help you address the doubts. Perhaps edit the essay in a certain way or add information that may help you feel more confident about your narrative. Doubting your work means that you know there is still room for improvement in the essay. Listen to your gut feeling. Don't turn in the paper until you are satisfied that you have represented yourself in the best way that you can using the written word. I'll be more than willing to help you achieve that :-)
OP McClungE 1 / 3 1  
Oct 4, 2015   #5
I'm just a little nervous because this is the first college essay I'm sending in. I'm confident in my essay because it explains who I am as a person and I love it. It's just the nervousness of actually sending this essay to a college and it determining if I'm accepted in that specific college or not. But I absolutely appreciate your feedback and it's helped me so much, thank you so much.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 4, 2015   #6
I totally understand what you are talking about. Your fears about your family background, coupled with the fact that you will be the first person in your family to attend college is certainly going to make you a nervous wreck. Don't let it get to you though. If you keep thinking about it, you are going to suffer. Just submit the essay and let the reviewer do the rest. Even if you don't get into your first college choice, you at least tried. Most importantly it is a start for you. The next essay prompts and college applications you have to fill out can only get easier from here.

Here's what you can do to take your mind off those kinds of matters. After you submit this essay to your first choice college, go ahead and revise the essay just in case you can use the same essay for a different common app prompt at your 2nd, 3rd, and so on and so forth university choices. Improve upon its content and review if there is any other information that you can add, change, or remove to make it better for the next time around. Start to paraphrase the essay for future use. Who knows when you might be faced with a similar prompt? At least you'll have a response ready to adjust and use at any given time :-)

Applying to colleges as a freshman can be a nerve wracking experience. We've all gone through it at one time or another. Like everything else in life though, you don't have to do it alone. We at the forum will always be here to help you navigate the confusing, daunting, and scary world of college application :-) So just submit the essay and let the chips fall where they may :-) We've got your back. I wish you the best of luck getting into your first college choice.
OP McClungE 1 / 3 1  
Oct 4, 2015   #7
Thank you so much :)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Oct 6, 2015   #8
@McClunge, I hope it's not too late for me to give my advice in your situation more so to your essay.

Your essay is good enough in answering the prompt however I believe it lacks little pieces of information about your academic status, having said that, the essay is not aimed at your academic status rather to the personal side of you. I love the fact that you are able to elaborately write about your life and the challenges that came with it. Sometimes it's hard to write about our situation especially when somebody has to read it and definitely will give a feed back about it, as much as we want, we want to be objective with our writing but of course adding a little bit of personal touch wont hurt.

On a much personal side, don't be afraid to challenge your future, there is no such things when it comes to what you can do in designing your own life.

I encourage you to be more bold, be aggressive in dealing with your approach for the future. Remember, You Only Live Once, so make the most out of it, I know this is a cliche but believe me it definitely works! Live your life the way you want it, the way you need it and the way you find happiness the most, because the next thing you know, life is over and you can never go back.

I wish that you practice writing more, it doesn't need to be an essay or a long piece of writing but writing more often, definitely helps.


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