Why do you want to study your intended major ?
Limit : 3000 characters.
Thanks a lot !
Hospitals are my vacation homes, except my vacations are not always fun or exciting. When I was born, I was diagnosed with severe asthma and allergies to numerous substances. Due to my weak immune system, I spent a considerable amount of my childhood going in and out of hospitals. I hated getting shots and taking large pills, so I thought of my visits to hospitals as vacations because I always returned home as a happier and healthier person. Because of my asthma, I couldn't play outside like other kids, I couldn't eat ice cream or drink anything cold, and I couldn't participate in any sports. Having lived through such painful experiences, I aspire to become a doctor who can help other people achieve better health.
I was born a premature baby with very weak immune system; in order to keep me alive, doctors prescribed large doses of Prednisolone and other supporting medicines. Possible side effects include fluid retention of the face, acne, and constant mood swings. I was kept in the hospital for a month after I was born because my weight was below average for newborns and my lungs were not functioning correctly. After I was taken home, my health did not improve, so I entered the hospital again six months later after a severe asthma attack. For the years succeeding, I visited the hospital regularly due to my unstable health. My stays would last for weeks and sometimes even months. I hated it.
During my stays in the hospital, I would observe other patients that were in the same room. Some were in there for the same reason, but others were experiencing more pain than I could have imagined. I was often wakened during my sleep because someone was crying due to the pain he or she was suffering. I wanted to help them, but I couldn't. Other than asthma, I also encountered two seizures when I was younger. To this day I still don't know why I had seizures, but I want to find out.
After moving to the United States, my health conditions have improved dramatically; I am now able to participate in sports and other activities. With my improved health, I want to help others in need and relieve them from illness and related troubles. I believe that my past experiences with asthma and other sicknesses will help me in becoming a better doctor because I know how it feels to be kept away from experiencing all the fun that life is meant for.
You make it very clear that you have gone through a lot of health-related problems and illnesses ever since you were born as a premature baby. It's good that you make this clear since it seems you're trying to say that this is what's motivating you to pursue medecine.
However, I think the "why medicine" part should be stated more explicitly and explained clearly throughout the article. The majority of your essay is paragraphs that simply narrate the kinds of hospitalization and conditions you painfully experienced.
So my point is, I think you should maybe try to condense your medical history and fill in more of your reflection about how these experiences have helped you relate better than anyone else to the general humanity's battle with diseases and suffering & how you're motivated to reach out to others by studying medecine.
Also, you could maybe even mention your current or more recent experiences with suffering patients, how this triggered the memory of your childhood when you were constantly sick and how now that your health conditions have far more improved you wish to help make this same relief from suffering possible for others.
Overall though, I really like your writing style and the ease of understanding. If you just clarify the "so what?" part of your essay and make it more connected to your childhood experiences throughout the paper, I think your essay will get even better!
BEST OF LUCK to you! :D
Hello. Glad I could help you a bit ;)
I actually do have an essay that I REALLY need help with (and especially the intro... which I just can't seem to connect with the overarching theme...)
I'd very much appreciate your feedback on my essay if you have time... :)
Thanks, Michelle! :)
