Your day on April 29,2015 - UWC application
Although I have put a lot of effort into my writing, I wonder if my essay is grammatically correct and the expression is clear enough. Please give me some remarks on this. Thank in advance.
And here it is
"The alarm clock goes off at 5.00 am. I get up, open the window and get some fresh air. A new day has come. It's 4/29/2025. I admire the sunrise gradually illuminate the misty metropolis. Amazing! I reminisce the sunrise in the paddy field in my hometown: the rice trees were still sleeping peacefully in the blanket of fog. 2 months later, in the scorching heat of June, my parents and other farmers would reap the harvest. Suddenly, I smirk: To create a better lives for Vietnamese farmers, I've gone that far: being an agricultural trainee in USA, having been to many countries to investigate the way people grow cash crops and raising fish for export, getting a scholarship to Cornell University to study Hospitality Management, and currently the Director of Sale and Marketing in InterContinental NY Times Square Hotel. I hope I can set up a business model which benefits agriculture and tourism.
Having taken exercises and had breakfast, I go to work. My colleagues dress up smartly and elegantly. Their eyes sparkle with ambition. I love working with those ambitious people. I love the working environment which is highly competitive and challenging because I know that only by this way can I become tougher to have enough competence to fulfill my life mission: a better lives for farmers, a hotel chain and a competitive national tourism.
Having caught a glimpse of me, the Hotel Manager comes over and say : " Ms. Ngo, you're in charge of this business transaction with one of our partners: InterContinental Bangkok. Here is the plan. Good luck."
"OK, sir." I replied in confidence.
I'm thriving on my career path.One year later, I'll return to Vietnam to set up my own business. I'll apply what I've learned to my business. 10 years after that, I'll be owner of a hotel chain and contribute greatly to tourism industry. Holding the plan paper tightly in my hand, I imagine myself at that time: the first dollar female billionaire in Vietnam dressing with chic, low bun hairstyle, driving a Mercedes-Benz S-class, looking straight ahead, I murmur an old quote" My mind does not change in this changing world".
(To other applicant: please do not plagiarize my idea)
Lan, when you are writing a formal essay, please do not use shortcuts when stating the date. Always indicate the date in its full presentation of worded month-day-year. You are not filling out an application form, you are informing a highly educated reviewer who will not take kindly to being presented with short cut indicators in an essay. The first thing he will think upon reading that is, "This person is lazy. I don't think he has the potential we are looking for." Your first paragraph is your only chance to create an interesting impression of yourself and what you are about to say to the reviewer, so make it count. Be very careful regarding how you present yourself.
As I read your essay, what I gather is that you are not really talking about your accomplishments on the date of April 29. 2015. Rather, you are talking about your future plans. Future plans that are unrelated and do not really have a way of connecting within you as a professional. Are you sure to have the date right? This essay prompt is normally for 10 years into the future, so everyone else here has written essays for April 29, 2025. You better double check and make sure. I do not believe the UWC will ask you write an essay about the past. These essays always look to the future for who you wish to become in relation to your course.
How you plan to connect agriculture to a hotel chain, which directly connects with tourism is not clearly stated in your essay. In order to make this believable, you first need to convince us that there is a connection between the latter 2 and the first intention. How can a hotel chain and tourism help the farmers? Pinpoint it, explain how you see it happening.
Right now, you are talking about a career in a hotel that does not tell us anything about the plans that you previously stated. So the essay just comes across as unplanned. How does the meeting with the other hotel representatives help your plans for Vietnamese agriculture? Try to read the essay from the point of view of a reviewer. Perhaps you will see how the essay doesn't make any sense at this point.
how about my second draft? Could you please check my grammar and leave your comment on it?
Here it is
The alarm clock goes off at 5.00 am. Quickly, I get out of my bed and start a new day with enthusiasm. Today is 29thof April 2025, a very special day for me: the day I open a branch office of my business in Ho Chi Minh City. Opening the window, I admire the sunrise gradually illuminate the misty metropolis. Amazing! I reminisce the sunrise in the paddy field in my hometown: the rice trees sleeping peacefully in the blanket of fog and parents and other farmers reaping the harvest in the scorching heat of June. Suddenly, I smirk: To create better lives for Vietnamese farmers, I've gone that far: having been to many countries to learn the way people grow cash crops and raising fish for export, getting a Fulbright scholarship to study General Management at Harvard Business School, and currently the founder and CEO of Thien Ha Seafood Joint Stock Company which has helped to reduce the unemployment rate for farmers in the area.
Having taken exercises and had breakfast, I drive to the venue. As I come there, the secretary quickens her steps to pick me up from the car. The meeting hall is packed with people: nearly 2000 staff and employees. They are waiting for my opening speech. I strut with confidence along the aisle. All eyes are looking towards me. Some of the employees mutter:" Is that our manager? So young!".
Reaching the platform, I begin to give my speech.
"...we have been very successful in our model fish- for- export in Kien Luong district in the recent years. And to meet the rising demand in seafood in the near future, we need to expand our business. That is why I choose here-Can Gio district in Ho Chi Minh City as our next destination because of... We are aiming at becoming the biggest seafood exporter to American and Europe market. We are building the wealth for the future. I'm proud of prosperity to create. I'm proud of what we do here. I'm proud of the way we change people's lives and I want you to join me and go the extra mile and making a difference and thank you very much."
As I finish the speech, the audiences give me a standing ovation. In the sunny morning, their eyes reflect the eagerness to attain the goal. Although there is a long road ahead, the day marks a really important milestone in my career.
Definitely better Lan :-) If you want to use this essay, you have to clean up the grammar first. Let me help you with that. I'll be posting the corrections below.
I quickly get out of my bed
Today is THE 29th of April 2025
I admire the sunrise gradually ILLUMINATING the misty metropolis
I reminisce the sunrise in the paddy field in my hometown:
-Clarify if you are currently in your hometown. That is a bit unclear in this line.
I've GOTTEN THIS FAR
and currently , AS the founder and CEO of
Having EXERCISED
WHEN I ARRIVE,
because of ... We we are aiming at becoming the biggest seafood exporter to THE American and EUROPEAN market.
I'm proud TO CREATE PROSPERITY.
the extra mile IN making a difference
the audiences - Audience is both the singular and plural form of the word.
Thank you very much, vangiespen :)
