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Essay on my religion - my story.


asadasad 1 / 1  
Sep 22, 2015   #1
Hi guys i need your help could any of you proof read my essay and tell the mistakes and if you have any suggestions/ideas for me to add in please do tell me so. Here it is:

Okay so i want to start my story with people first because i think their are the most importent reasons why i am the person now. so the first question i want to start with is who are the three people i would not think of knowing. andthose people are my b and my two friends is isaiah ad chris because of these three i am who i am now.and the second question is simular its out of those three people, if you had to pick the one you needed the most who would it be?it would be hard to chose from all hree of them but the most needed/important for me me would be my BBB because he understands me the best and is always beside me.so the thrid question who do you fight the most with and again it would be my b because you fight with the person who you care the most for.fourth question if i ould go back in time to be with a person from my past i havnt seen anymore would my friend evan because we were in the same grade from grade 1 to grade 5 and we had made great memories.lets move on next question is who is the person who most challenges me to be better than i am now would be my b because he is the source of my motavation , he forces me to try and try. that was for my first part now i want to go into ito places so the first question in places is what is the most beautiful place that touches me the most in this world. I think there are a lot of beautiful place but the mos beautiful place that i like is any religous place.seond question what place do you go to outside of your home to be alone at peace. The place i usally go to is the park or evn the library because its peaceful and quite and it far from where i live so no one i know goes there so i dont have to talk to anyone.the thrid question is where i use to hide when i was five. i use to hide in different spots like the closet, a box, in the cabinet under the tv but the place i usally used to go was a portacabin at a narrow ditch we used to play/hide in. and the last topic is events and theres only one question i want to talk about so the question is what choices have you made so far that have made a real difference. One of my choice that had made a real difference was to stay with my friends even if they were igroned in other words scoity outcast. that was it for my story.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 22, 2015   #2
Josh, one of the first things that hit me while reading your essay is that you need to learn how to use periods in your sentences. There is no part in the earlier part of your essay where the reader can pause and take a breath. Reading the essay becomes almost marathon like and tiring for the reader. Kindly review your essay for punctuation use. The periods are just as important as the commas that you have on the page. While both signify a pause for the reader, the period actually lets the reader know to prepare for a new idea / sentence / paragraph. Right now, all your ideas in the essay are strewn together, making it difficult to understand.

Every essay paragraph is composed of a different topic for discussion. I see those topics represented in your essay however, without the paragraph breaks that represent the start of a new idea, you don't really manage to prepare the reader for the onslaught of your differing statements. Review the essay and separate your thoughts and comments into various paragraphs. This will not only lengthen the essay but also clarify the content and theme for the reader.

Next, regarding your spelling ability. Please turn on the spellchecker in your word program and use it. Never ever turn in an essay for review or final grade without double checking the word spacing, grammar and spelling. While there are truly portions of your grammar in the essay that need work and improvement, I am more concerned about the existence of text speak in your essay. Always spell out complete words in formal essays. You are not sending off a tweet to a bunch of your friends, you are asking your teacher to grade your intelligence and ability to express yourself in a coherent and professional manner. Right now, the existence of text speak in your essay could garner you a failing mark for this writing exercise.

I am guessing that you are not yet a high school or college level writer due to the simplicity of your writing style and response. This writing exercise is meant to develop your writing skills. I hope you take my advice seriously as you revise the content of your essay. Once we perfect the format of the essay, we can work on correcting the grammar issues related to sentence structure and similar problems. I look forward to reviewing your revised essay.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 23, 2015   #3
- Okay so i( make sure that you capitalize the word "I" all through out the essay)
- ...think theirthey are the...
-....most importentimportant ( be careful with your spelling, turn on your spell checker all the time)

Well, as you can see there's a lot of work to be done in your essay. Please mind the following
- capitalization of the first letter at the beginning of each word
- capitalize the names of a person
- your grammar needs to be polished
- sentence construction and ideas needs a lot of work too

However, there's a lot of room for improvement, I suggest practice writing and read more.
I hope the remarks I made, helped!!
OP asadasad 1 / 1  
Sep 27, 2015   #4
WHO AM I? My story - Essay on my religion

Hi guys i need your help could any of you proof read my essay and tell the mistakes and if you have any suggestions/ideas for me to add in please do tell me so. Here it is:

WHO AM I?
Hey guys my name is ali shan i, iwas born in pakistah in 2001 but i lived most of my life here,(pause) i come from a family of 8, MY BROTHER FOUR SISTERS AND MY MOM AND DAD and me. I attended Secord Elementary School and then D A Morrison Middle School, i had made most of my meories through these year and great friends which i wont forget.

and thats where i met two of the most important people of my life, which are my friends alex and natahaniel, who reflet on my my life a lot, they both were always there for me, they were pretty much the source of my motivation and always try to influence me to do good but my borther would always tell me they were a bad influence(for some reason).

(talking) about my brother hes the one i fight the most with because you fight the most with who you care the most aotu and he was a big role in my life he would forces me to try and try if id ever give up.as a child me and my brother were really close we would play game like hideand seek (pause) i useto hide in different spots like the closet, a box, in the cabinet under the tv, but the place I usually used to go was a portacabin in a forest, right across from where I lived.

my hobbies, interests, places I like to go, and things I like to do are i like swimming, watching movies, travling, places i like to go to are hiking at Crothers Woods Trail with my brother and i hate when my brother takes me to face to face gaming once every two months.

that was it for my story.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 28, 2015   #5
Josh, what exactly is the story you are trying to tell? I am not clear about that aspect of your essay because you seem to be jumping around from introducing your family, to who the influential people are in your life, and your personal interests. It is uneven and choppy storytelling. The ideas you present are all under developed and without reason or rhyme. Basically, the whole essay (or speech?) is a mess.

Why not let us know what story you are being asked to tell first? If we know what you are supposed to be doing, we can better guide you towards the development and direction of your story. For example, in the part about your friends, you needed to develop the story about their influence on you and why your brother thought they were bad influences. The way you have that part set up right now, it seems to be one of the important points of the essay but you did not offer it enough development to truly matter.

What are the special place holders in the essay? Are you writing a story, making a speech, or introducing yourself to your classmates? You can't really leave your reader wondering about what you mean when you say (for some reason). You never set up any interaction between your brother and your close friends to lead the reader or listener to personally assess the situation as negative.

Then, you speak about the fights you have with your brother. It is unacceptable to simply say that you fight the most with the one that you love. This is the most childish of the paragraphs you have written. It needs to be made more interesting for the reader by clearly explaining the reasons behind the fights and how those fights helped you develop as a person.

Also, the title of your post is : My Religion and yet aside from the country of your birth, there is no reference to that topic in your essay. Did you just forget to work that in or was the title wrong? Try to represent that topic when you revise this essay because it seems to be the prompt for your story.

Basically, this essay needs and over all revision. You need to be guided regarding how to write a story. So far, you know the wrong way to do it. Maybe we can still help you learn the right way to write it :-)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Oct 3, 2015   #6
@asad, I think you were not able to grasp what is asked on this prompt.
To start with, the prompt is asking for an essay about your religion, however I'm not sure if this is the prompt or what you really want to write about. There's a very conflicting idea between what is asked for you to write about and what would you like to write about.

Now, to set things straight, you should write what is asked of you and having said that, let's say that the prompt is about religion, I have a few guidelines that may help;

- what is your origin
- what religion would you practice if you can choose
- what are your insights on the whole devotion aspect of religion
- would you be a devotee or somebody who prefer to keep your religion to yourself
- what would you impart to the religion that you choose
- to conclude, would you preach for the religion that you choose

As this is a very sensitive and considered taboo topic, I'd like to caution you to be very objective in your writing.
When you're done and good to go, post it here on EF so we can help you further.


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