Hello,
I wanted to ask for some help regarding my Purdue University application essay. I am writing on the topic - Describe how you will use your Purdue education to achieve your personal and professional goals.
Here is my essay:
Purdue offers various courses, taught my some of the best professors in the United States of America, to its students. Because of this, it has a very good reputation in the country, ranking in one of the top 100 national universities, and having a rank of 12 for the best computer science course, according to USNews. Receiving education from college with such a good ranking and professors is an honor for me.
My dream is to become a successful Entrepreneur. Ever since I was a boy, I have wanted to become an entrepreneur, mostly because I come from a closely knit business community consisting of entrepreneurs, businessmen and charitable trustees.
I did my primary and secondary schooling in Muscat, Oman, where most of the expatriate population is from the Indian subcontinent. I studied in an Indian school with students coming from varied social backgrounds. This allowed me to gain a perspective on the experiences of children coming from different socio-economic backgrounds. My family later moved to Dubai, a cosmopolitan city with people from all over the world. Now I have moved to an international school which caters to students from over 90 countries. This was an enormous change for me. Gradually, I started understanding the behavior and work culture of people from different countries, which allowed me to gain a broader, more diverse outlook. Such diversity helps me to understand and interact with the people around me, giving me creative ideas and a viewpoint on how such ideas will be received while enhancing decision making capabilities. My education and life in Purdue will allow me to further increase my understanding different people with social and cultural backgrounds as over 10,000 students of various nationalities go there to study.
Apart from my professional goal, I have a personal goal to help physically challenged people in India by helping them overcome the suppression they face by making Indians understand their qualities and their great potential. According to statistics from the Census Bureau of India, more than 60 million people are physically challenged. To put that in perspective, 60 million is more than the population of Italy and would be equivalent to the 23rd largest country in the world. Such individuals face a variety of issues including lack of basic infrastructure like ramps and elevators in public buildings, and awareness within society and the government, which leads to illiteracy and severe unemployment.
To achieve this personal goal, of helping physically challenged people of India to receive more recognition, I cannot just directly start bringing about change. I have to be known by many people in India and have a good salary, which I can use to help solve some of the problems that the challenged people face, such as lack of proper facilities in buildings and public places, and lack of proper medical services. And being known by people all over India can help me make them work towards my cause by giving jobs to challenged people, hence decreasing their unemployment rate. To be well known and have a good salary, I require education in a good school so that I can build a good reputation for myself. Hence, I have chosen to study in Purdue University, so that with the help of the education I receive, and its fame, I will be able to work my way up, to become a successful entrepreneur, and to help physically disabled people of India to rise from their oppression.
Here are some of the questions I would like to ask:
1) Is the answer OK or should I rewrite the whole thing?
2) Can you please tell me if the structure and writing style of this essay is good?
3) Is my personal goal coherent? I was not sure if it is good enough for the essay.
4) Do you think that there is too much praise given to Purdue or too little?
5) What are some of the changes I should make that are not related to the first four questions?
Thank you very much for any help in advance.
i think you're deviating from the topic a little bit here. you're focussing a lot on the university as a whole and not how its educations is going to help you. think you should focus more on the programs of your interest. for instance you want to study business. so whats good about the business program in purdue? dont just rely on the fame of the university for your essay.
i would suggest re-writing it. take a moment and think of why you want to go to this university. what's so great about it. a little research would help you find the strong attributes of the university. collect all of the information and organize your essay.
use a paragraph to first list a good trait of the university and explain how that trait might help in accomplishing your goals.
you're writing is good and with some organization you will do great.
i also think you should avoid giving wordy expositions. its nice that you say how you were brought up but you should abbreviate it. it does not have much to do with the question. i wont say get rid of it, but just shorten it a bit.
i hope this helps :)
