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'A Proud Accomplishment' - experience common app


oreoreal 1 / 1  
Dec 26, 2011   #1
The theme is "Significant Experience/accomplishment that makes you a person".
I really need criticism on this essay. It's actually my first essay, and my essay for my application form for Ateneo. So kindly, judge, rate 1-10 and do give me some tips.

A Proud Accomplishment

Every time I read what I wrote down four years ago, I can still feel the sentimentality of the plots, and my poor script I had written. I always wanted to be a heroine and save mankind when I was young. Determined I was, I struggled to be like Popeye and ate plenty of vegetables to be as robust as that tar did by gorging a can of spinach to aid someone in need. However as a child, I still preferred the delights of protein or confections in my plate. As I turned nine years old, my classmates made fun of me when I presented my dream to be a superhero in my oral presentation. I already knew that magic, monsters, witches, aliens and so as my dream sounds fictitious. I was aware of reality contrasting before when I ate vegetables to be a heroine. I can still recall my classmates asking me on why am I tenacious of the impossible. Normally at my age I will think a bit more maturely. But I always answered them with these immature words for them to be satisfied; "I love mankind, because we are unique. And I want to succor these beings despite being good or evil". Since then, I became a social outcast in my class, and only made a few friends who think highly of my strong resolve. When my high school years started, I became valiant, candid, optimistic and genial. A pen pal then suggested the idea of writing after hearing a brief digest of my childhood dream. She taught me points, and ways on how to produce humor and suspense in typing a novel. I may not know her in person, but listening to her advice; I began writing my very first novel and later on turned into a long saga for its many adventures. The first tale I composed conveys the heroine's desire to find mankind's treasure in a world of phantasm.

As a person, I have a home to value, a life to appreciate, and a dream to fulfill. The tale I wrote four years back had no end till this day which makes my greatest feat. The heroine and her desire represent me and what I aspire. One day I want to be someone immense in this world. I don't know how I will make it, but certainly one day I will learn how. Entering college is me taking my first step in finding mankind's treasure, and a test for me as a successful heroine yet to star. This is my resolve as an individual.


I want to improve on writing my essays. I usually write literal in some anecdotes and use a simple narration. So I hope this get me accepted in Ateneo.

Do answer this thread. :D
kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 26, 2011   #2
Hi Oryll!

First, I think you should learn the layout of essay at first. Your essay is difficult to follow because first paragraph, introduction, is unnaturally long. Introduction is where you introduce summary of your essay or an important incident. Second, you need to make sure that provided details are crucial to your essay. I suppose that some of your details are not necessary.

Anyway, the way you write is gentle and fantastic. I liked it.
Hope this helps, and please read my essay if you can. Thank you.
Noobzilla 3 / 22  
Dec 26, 2011   #3
Beautiful! 10!!!
good essay for WHY COLLEGE?...
glamazing 4 / 11  
Dec 26, 2011   #4
Loved your essay, the writing is truly brilliant, although I did spot two awkward phrases -"Normally at my age I will think a bit more maturely" sounds a bit grammatically incorrect? And instead of 'my poor script I had written' try 'the poor script I had written'? Sounds repetitive otherwise. Anyway, your essay is great, I enjoyed reading it. Goodluck!

Please please help with mine? Thanks!


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