Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
This essay is 617 words long so I need to shorten it. Also any grammar error/feedback is welcome! Due in less than three days Thank you !
I turned the light off and lied down on my bed. Trumpet began playing and soon piano, violin, timpani and trombone tied up to make a full harmony. My all time favorite Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto in B Minor was playing on the radio, and a strange power touched me that put a seven year old boy in deep thoughts. Tear droplets formed around my eyes, and I started crying. Then I ran out, woke my parents up, and wiping my tears, murmured, "I want to see my cousins." It was a typical bedtime.
This crying routine continued on, and the experience expanded beyond my bedtime setting. First grade, I broke into tears during a class whenever the teacher would play her favorite classical piece. I looked like an overly sensitive and emotional boy who cried for no special reason, and I gained embarrassing nicknames such as rain-boy and mama-boy. In frustration, I thought to myself "Why am I crying? Why can't I control it?" But tears ensued. When I sought for help, my parents simply thought my puberty came early- very early- and ignored it.
Eventually, I found myself abhorring classical music. Tchaikovsky's piano concerto? I was tired of listening to it. Trumpet, violin, and all those "classical" instruments? I despised their sound and shut my ears. "Classical music is a discordance of useless instruments" I would think to myself to avoid listening to it at all cost. I permanently deleted classical music stations form my radio preset, and forced myself to listen to contemporary pop music. It was a perfect plan: If I stop listening to classical music, I will stop crying, and I will finally grow up and be a man. The plan worked throughout my elementary school journey, and I successfully moved on from a rainboy- well- until I accidently listened to a famous pianist's performance.
In a typical eighth grade boredom, I was perusing through the Internet and stumbled upon a link called "Lang Lang's amazing performance." Lang Lang? Must be some circus performance I thought. The moment I clicked on the link, I heard trumpets. Then piano. Then violin, timpani and trombone. It was Tchaikovsky; a piece that I had not heard of for eight years, for which I had been hindering my affection, so I could be a man. Even though embarrassing flashbacks were rushing in, I continued watching it and eventually found myself closing my eyes. Soon, tears appeared; perhaps because of the same mysterious reasons as the old days, or because I was overjoyed by the reunion. But this time, I was not embarrassed, let the tears drop and regretted myself for avoiding classical music for the past years.
It is eccentric, and almost unbelievable to say that one miss-click on a random day led to a profound realization. But it did. The music left me to ponder and to think in retrospect, and I finally realized that I had been blocking myself from doing what I love and enjoy because of other's reaction. Classical music is something so powerful that can create joyful tears in my eyes, but I never appreciated it. It is something so provoking that can leave me ponder and reminisce. It is something that keeps me focused while working on strenuous English papers. After the encounter with Lang Lang, i have learned to appreciate my passion. It triggered me into not only pursuing classical genre but also exploring new genre outside of the musical realm. Eventually, i reached out and have become a fervent volunteer at a local hospital, an influential math teacher for middle school students, and a piano tutor for the disabled- all began with a lucky "misclick" on a typical day.
Well the main problem with your essay is that you didn't really describe the effect it had on your personality. It also took you too long to get to the message you want to convey to the extent where it was hard for me to read through it. They want to know how the piece has shaped you as opposed to what happened in your past, try focusing on your personal qualities and relating them to the piece.
I would also really appreciate it if you can take a look at my Princeton supplement
Thanks for the input! And I read and wrote a feedback for your essay as well. But yes, as I was writing I thought I was more like summarizing than actually talking about the influence. My intention was to tell a story in few paragraphs and for the conclusion, state the lesson I have learned from that experience. Which part made you bored? How was the intro?
It wasn't that I got bored at a certain point but the fact that you have such a unique condition and especially that this is a college essay I wanted to know more about you or how you overcame it etc... I was really looking forward to that but you kept going on and on describing how you were but the thing is I wanted to know who you are and why you are. This, I imagine, is also what the admissions officer wants to know.
As for the intro the only flaw I can find in it is this "Then I ran out, woke my parents up, and wiping my tears, murmured, "I want to see my cousins.". It was pretty confusing, why would you want to see your cousins?
Hmm I tried to convey that I overcame it by watching a such a compelling performance by Lang Lang, but obviously I failed to do so haha. I will try to work on that part. Also, I said "I want to see my cousins" to say that classical music left me reminiscing and pondering about even the most random things. That's how powerful it was. Maybe I should remove that part..
The intro is good but I feel like the phrase
a strange power touched me that put a seven year old boy in deep thoughts
is very awkward and confusing.
Also don't forget to capitalize you 'I's
i have learned to appreciate my passion. It triggered me into not only pursuing classical genre but also exploring new genre outside of the musical realm. Eventually, i reached out
Although I see where your going with the essay, your conclusion
Eventually, i reached out and have become a fervent volunteer at a local hospital, an influential math teacher for middle school students, and a piano tutor for the disabled- all began with a lucky "misclick" on a typical day.
kinda came out of nowhere. I think you should include more of how it led to it in your conclusion if you want it to be more coherent and answer the question.
Good luck ^^
Also, could you help me edit my essay.
Good luck ^^
This, I imagine, is also what the admissions officer wants to know.
The essay is good. It's easy to read but it lacks a key part: why? Every time you write about something, or use the 250-500 words they give you, ask yourself why am I writing this? Is it saying something about myself? It's great to describe things but other than that, write more about how whatever you're writing about relates to you. I feel that is lacking from your essay, and I agree on what the posts above mine say.
This is a great essay for something like, why are you interested in this major kind of question. Don't get me wrong, I liked it! but to write what the admissions officers want to know and answer the question, don't forget to be honest, personal and relate things to you. Write as if you're speaking to your parents' friend. Be semi-formal. Just some tips, hope I helped!
If you have the time, could you please help me with mine?? It's called 'The Perks of Being Tenacious'
If I told my friends about my experience, or my fond for classical genre, as a rule, they mocked me.
fondness or some other word would fit
and the too parts in blue dont match well
"if" is conditional and "they mocked me" is talking about a time when it happened. I think 'When i told' would work better then 'If I told'
Eventually I conformed.
u should say what you conformed to. society? social norms?
I think this way better answers the question than the first way you did it.
Hey! Honestly, I can just see that you are a good writer.
And it wasn't boring actually. Your writing is very interesting and keeps my attention. :)
I think what I agree with enigma33 is that the writing should be more about what you learned or how you changed from this experience, but you talk more about your difficulty.
This (talking more about difficulty than how you were influenced and changed) may make you sound like a crybaby (even though you changed) and admissions people might think you actually didn't change much at all.
I think you should definitely extend the last part talking about Lang Lang and her and how she/he influenced you.
Did it make you stronger..? mature? Tie in to how those qualities helped you to
become a fervent volunteer at a local hospital, an influential math teacher for middle school students, and a piano tutor for the disabled
Also, the "cousins" thing kind of threw me off- because of the title, I thought it was like your cousins were like... tortured at an orchestra concert or something...
Anyways, overall, GOOD JOB and good luck to yoU!
and happy new year :)
Please looky at my essay too?
thanks
