Hello! So this is my essay. I have rewritten plenty of times and would like some feedback on how my essay is. I am very stressed out about it because I am kind of a perfectionist and I can not seem to be happy with it so an feedback would be welcome and please be honest! The topic is this
A. Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.
OR
B. Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
I was born to parents who were not romantically involved with each other. I am a product of one single mistake made by them. My parents were both 19 when I was born because of this neither knew how to raise a child. My mother refused to let my father see me until he finally decided to take her to court. From their decision, I was thrown back and forth between my parents. I never seemed to have any stability in my life. My mother would move us from apartment to apartment, with a short-lived, bad boyfriend always accompanying her. School became the only consistent thing in my life, an escape that I found myself enjoying every day. In every class, I strove for the highest grades possible, hoping to make my parents proud, but all that changed in high school. My freshman year of high school I was living with my father because my mother did not want me to live with or see her anymore. He wanted me to focus on school full-time without any interruptions. He was always working overtime and the only time I really saw him was on the weekends. I learned that my school work is the most important thing I could worry about. The following year though, my mother wanted me back and this time made sure I would not see or talk to my father. She hates my father, but to this day I have no idea why. My mother always struggled with paying bills, so when my junior year in high school started I was working 30-35 hours each week, trying to balance my educational duties and the new obligation of helping pay the monthly bills. Suddenly, without the mention to anyone, my mother decided to move my sister and I away from everyone. At the time, I was still sick from a severe case of bronchitis and influenza. Having missed a massive amount of school work, the last thing I wanted was to leave the town I grew up in. I experienced many new things because of the move though. Without all the craziness I have endured, I would not of learned all the stuff I do today. I rely on myself to get what I want to achieve happen. I do not need constant reassurance and support from others because I believe in myself and that is what is important to me.
Hey Katie,
I'm assuming these are for University of Washington? I'm applying there as well. I made some edits to word choice and sentence construction below, I hope they help! Overall, I think you have a great essay that accurately answers the first prompt!
Hi Katie, the essay actually needed more work in order to prepare it for submission. Sometimes it takes a critical eye and the review of a stranger to make a confusing essay work better. So I took edited the essay for you. I prepared it as best as I could, using the information within it, to prepare it for submission. Don't revise or add anything to the paper. This is already ready for submission as it is. If you need to meet a word count and this essay went over, tell me, I will edit the content for you. If it us under the character limit, leave it alone.
I was born as the product of a one night stand(...)
Hi Katie, after reading your essay, I believe what Louisa has done is just perfect and ready for submission.
For now, all I can suggest is that, for future reference, you have to note what the prompt is asking you
to come up with, set priorities of ideas that you want to incorporate in your essay and make sure that
it is the answer to the prompt. Of course you will have a lot of draft and a lot of mistakes but it's fine to
have them in your drafts than in your final essay.
It also helps if you practice writing more and read a lot on your free time and whenever you can, this will
help enhance your vocabulary and will keep you going with your future writing pieces.
Again, I hope you consider Louisa's note and suggestion on your essay and revise it accordingly.
Good luck!!!
Thank you so much @vangiespen . The essay you edited is amazing but it was a few words over. My limit is 600 could you help me out? Thanks again
Hi Katie, I had to revise some minor sentences and do a few edits but I managed to get it down to exactly 600 words without affecting the overall essay. Here is what it looks like now:
I was born the product of a one night stand. My parents did not have any ...
Need help shortening college essay
Hi! I need to shorten my essay but I do not want to ruin it. My max is 500 and I am at 600. Your help is greatly appreciated!
I was born the product of a one night stand. My parents did not have ...
Essay is to long and do not how to revise without ruining the essay
Hi! My essay is 100 words over. My word limit is 500 and I am at 600. I do not want to ruin the essay by taking out so many words. Any comments or help will be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
I was born the product of a one night stand. My parents did not have any emotional involvement so when my birth disrupted their 19 year old lives, neither of them knew what to do or how to care for a baby. I was in the care of my mother for most of my life. That was until my father decided to take her to court so that he could have some sort of rights over me. It was nice to know that he cared for me somehow, but being shuffled back and forth was really no life for me.
The reckless decisions of my parents left me without a sense of stability in my life. My mother was moving from apartment to apartment and her boyfriends would come and go just as fast from our lives. I thought that living with my father during my freshman year of high school would change my life, and it did for a little while. He was always working and rarely had time for me. Weekends were a treat, he was able to spend some time bonding with me instead of working overtime. I will always appreciate him for taking me in when my mother threw me away like a piece of trash. Telling him she did not want me to live with her nor see her anymore. She was always the negative parent in my life. Somehow, the bad living situation with my father was nothing compared to the life I led with my mother. Things were bad, but I appreciated having a parent who actually wanted me in his life.
Throughout all this turmoil, the one consistent thing in my life was school. I worried about my grades because it was the one thing that I had full control over. I was just beginning to get a handle on my life when my mother demanded I come live with her again. I will never understand why she changed her mind about throwing me out, but I came back to live with her just the same. I wanted to give my relationship with her another chance. After all, my relationship with my father had already improved by that point. So as much as she hated him, I remained resolved to create a relationship with the man who accidentally gave me life.
Living with my mother meant continuing to struggle to make ends meet. As a Junior in high school, I had no idea how we could do that. I found myself working 30-35 hours a week while trying to keep up with my school work. I was in charge of paying the bills and keeping the family alive. Being the income earner in the family, I was shocked to learn that my mother wanted to move us away from all the family we knew, which translated into the help that I could turn to when things got really bad for us. I now believe she needed psychiatric help at the time but did not realize it because I was just a kid myself who was struggling to survive.
Luckily, school was always there to help me keep my sanity intact. Without all the craziness I have endured, I would not have learned all the important elements of how to survive that I do today. I rely on myself achieve my dreams, hopes, and aspirations in life. I do not need constant reassurance and support from others because I believe in myself and that is what is important to me.
