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not many opportunities for women to get education - college essay


mehwish khan 1 / -  
Nov 11, 2008   #1
can you please proofread my essay and fix the grammtical mistakes andtell me if i stay on topic "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"

"Being born and raised in a country where there were not many opportunities for women to get education and become successful in life. My mom did not go to college because women were not really encouraged to go to school but instead got married at a young age. However, I started kindergarten in Pakistan and went to English school but never spoke English there. I never took studies seriously because I knew that even if I studied I would end up like anyone else who hasn't studied. However, my family moved to the United States in 2000 and from the first day, I knew that I would have beneficial opportunities here but how to use those resources and achieve the goal I want in life was onme.

Moving to United States was a difficult time for me because I couldn't speak English and it was hard for me to communicate with others. As I went to middle school I read books which I did not understand but I kept reading the same book many times until I understood it. It was my goal to speak good English by the time I was in high school. However, in high school I was still in ESL classes but I could speak pretty good English. Moreover, I joined a culture unity club in my high school where students talked about their countries and current situations. This club raised my interest in studying other countries and I wondered why some countries were rich and some are poor. I did not get my answer until I took economic classes in community college. I did not know anything about the economy before but these classes raised my interest even more.

Moreover, every summer I go back to Pakistan and I take Urdu, which is the national language of Pakistan, and Punjabi classes; I can also speak Pustho, which is spoken in Pakistan and Afghanistan. I learned these different languages because economies around the world are much related and if I am working in other parts of the world I can easily understand their culture if I know the language they speak. Also, it is important to know different aspects of their culture before opening a business in a foreign country. Furthermore, my uncle opened a business in Pakistan and I advised him about the supply and demand issues and how he should take decision when there is a recession or inflation. From that I felt like people in third world countries do not have much knowledge about how to run businesses.

However, In 2000 I did not know English and no idea about economics. Now I can speak fluent English and can speak four languages. I feel proud as a person because I am the first girl in my family who is studying abroad and knows that she can be something in future. I want to take my accomplishments that I have achieved so far as a tool for studying further at UC on broader scale. I want to spread my education in other parts of the world that really needs knowledge about how to run businesses and make useful decisions which can help their countries economy.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Sep 13, 2014   #2
Before we clean up the grammar problems, we need to create a focus for your essay first. It is not very coherent and is confusing to read at this point. So let me point out the areas that you need to revise first. That way we can clean up the grammar problems when the content of your paper is final in content.

Your introduction is trying to present a number of ideas all at once. Neither of them relating to one another. I suggest you pick a topic, the fact that you are going to college when your country believes that women should not seek higher education and instead get married instead. There is also a quotation mark where there should not be one.

It is important that you related the moving of your family to the United States in terms of you getting further ahead in terms of your education. This move is important because it meant that you were not destined for the same fate as your mother who did not go to college because of the culture of your home country. Your language problems should still be mentioned as an obstacle you had to overcome. But the society you joined, it just does not go with the focus of the essay so I suggest you skip that part.

Your statement about languages that you speak which are native to Pakistan does not have any place in the essay. You need to focus on only one accomplishment or personal quality. Do not keep introducing new facets to your personality. The admissions officer wants to learn about only one facet of your personality or accomplishment. Focus on attending college when the odds should have been against you due to Pakistani tradition and culture. That is your real accomplishment in life.

So what I am trying to tell you is that, your essay needs a lot of work. It requires major revisions content wise before we can even begin to finalize the essence of your essay. Only after we create a solid statement for you can we fix the grammar and sentence structure issues. I look forward to reading the 2nd draft of your essay :-)
Consular 1 / 9 1  
Sep 14, 2014   #3
Personally,I don't get the meaning of your essay.I know that english is not your first english that's why you must first write the letter with your native language in order to built a strong focus the main points that you will talk about.Unless, this essay will not add to your admission.
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Sep 15, 2014   #4
However, In 2000 I did not know English and no idea about economics. Now I can speak fluent English and can speak four languages

However, In 2000 I did not know English and Economics. Now I can speak English fluently and four other languages


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