Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
From the moment I met him, I knew we were meant to be. Dressed in white with the sun glistening on his body, he resembled a goddess. There he was, resting in the parking lot. I could not help but smile from cheek to cheek. Oliver, as I would come to call him, is my treasured jeep patriot who deserves the credit for facilitating my transition into adulthood.
On the night of August 18th, the day after I got my license, my parents called me into their room. From the look on their faces, I knew they were about to bring up a serious topic. My mom broke the silence with, "There's something we need to tell you." My mind ran through the multiplicity of possibilities that could be that "something". My dad broke my train of thoughts by saying, "Now that you have your license, we think it would be beneficial for you to have your own car!" Was I hearing him right?! Are my parents going to buy me a car? I was in disbelief. I have never even asked for a car before because I knew the possibility of my parent's buying me a car was up there on the list of impossible things right next to my parents buying me a unicorn.
The next morning, my parents and I drove to Ramsey Auto Group to pick out my potential soon-to-be prized possession. I walked into the auto shop and was welcomed by an array of wranglers, cherokees, and renegades waiting for me to choose one of them to be the lucky winner. However, none of those cars were in our price range. The sales associate lead my parents and I outside to a more reasonable model. There it was, my dazzling white beauty, standing out amongst the others.
That afternoon, as I drove home in my new car, I began to think of ways to personalize this car to fit my personality: unique. First, I had to decide on a gender and a name. The obvious choice for gender was a male because he looked so dashing in his white suit. For his name I decided on Oliver, the name of the perfect boy whom I had a crush on all throughout middle school. Next, I stopped at a convenience store and bought him a tropical scented car freshener. Now, everything down to scent was representative of me.
But, with my new car came a new band of responsibilities. I now had to pay for half the insurance, fill my own tank, and pick up my brothers from school. These new responsibilities refined my everyday life as well. I no longer needed my parents to tell me to clean my room or to practice piano, I learned to do them on my own. Aside from these responsibilities, Oliver brought me a new found freedom. Gone were the days where I had to rely on my parents for rides to volleyball practices or to my friends' houses. The ability to simply get in my car and drive myself gave me a sense of autonomy none like any that I had experienced before. I was now an independent woman, racing away from childhood, towards adulthood in her white chariot.
Hey Janice :-) I can't help but tell you that you had me chuckling with your reference to your parents buying you a unicorn. That was definitely a nice touch of humor in an essay that is normally deadly serious to read. While you chose a light topic for it, getting your license, I have to admit that it is a perfect choice for a teenager coming of age in the United States. Getting that first car really signifies a long jump into adulthood.
That said, I need to point out that the essay should be more about the kinds of responsibilities that you inherited along with the car rather than the essay being a story about the car itself. More than half the essay is about your adventure in picking your first, parent provided car. You need to cut down on that experience. The mention you made in paragraph 2 was more than sufficient to set up the scene and inform the reader.
You should concentrate instead on telling the story of the maturity that came with owning the car. From understanding why you needed car insurance, why you needed to keep your tank filled, and why you should run errands for your parents with your car when they ask you to, all of these are part of the maturing process. All part of the transition from childhood to adulthood. So let the reviewer in and show him how this event has helped you transition into a more responsible person. Tell him how much owning this first car has changed your outlook from childish to responsible. That is the aim of this essay and I do believe that you are well on the road to proving that point :-)
Janice, the opinion of your teacher may be that your topic is arrogant. However, not all people share the same point of view as that person. One of the rules of writing that I always tell the students who work on their statements or fiction stories is "Write about what you know." I am not sure where I picked that line up from anymore but I read it somewhere during my own writing classes.
When you write about what you know about, the process of developing the story becomes easier. You don't have to make things up to create an effective story because the elements for a good plot already exist. In this case, the elements exist to tell an effective story of transition because of your car. So it isn't arrogant. It is your truth.
Perhaps she thought it was too arrogant because you spent so much time talking about how you got the car. Remember I told you that was a bit of overkill and did not really help the story along? If you cut down or eliminate that part totally, then maybe she won't find it too arrogant anymore. What matters to the reviewer is the story you have to tell of your transition. He doesn't care if the other applicants can afford a car or not. That is not the issue here.
The only concentration you should have is proving that being gifted with this car was the exact rite of passage that signified the recognition from your parents and society that you are now an adult. In the U.S. most kids do dream that their parents could gift them with a car for their birthday. Consider yourself one of the lucky few. Hey, use that line somewhere in your essay. "I consider myself one of the lucky few because what I thought was an unreachable dream became a reality because of my parent's desire to show me that they viewed me as an equal, an adult, now." Do you think you can fit that in somewhere there? It's not an arrogant line. It is actually quite humbling to have your parents view you as an equal at such a young age :-)
