Nursing school admissions essay - why a career in the healthcare industry?

We have been asked to do a short essay question 750 words or less, this is what I have. I haven't had to do an admissions essay before and looking for advice. Thanks!

Why have you chosen a career in the healthcare industry?

As a high school senior I had no idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. All I knew is that I wanted to help people. My mother suggested at I go to USC the Business College. Once I started my journey to my degree in Medical Administration I immediately fell in love, I knew healthcare is where I was meant to be. Since graduating I have worked in private practices. I became an office manager for a psychiatry office and knew this is where I belonged. Every day was a new adventure and a new learning experience. I got to meet a variety of different people and involved in various situations, some good and some bad. I learned so much about the medical field over the years. While working in psychiatry I also helped out in our primary care department and assisted in opening a pediatric department. I loved my job and my patients appreciated me. In October of 2014 our psychiatry office closed its doors for good and it absolutely broke my heart. My patients cried as they said their goodbyes to us for the last time and I knew that I wanted to do more in healthcare field.

In September 2014 I started my journey in becoming a Certified Medical Assistant. I continued to work full-time, be a mother to a beautiful 1 year old daughter and go to school at night in order to fulfill my dream. I passed my final with 108% and went on to get my national certifications as a certified clinical medical assistant and certified medical administrative assistant. My hard work and determination paid off as I took a new job in a dermatology practice as a CMA. My fellow medical assistant had just completed her nursing program and passed her boards to become an RN. She has now been accepted and currently in school to be a nurse practitioner. She demonstrates and teaches me new things on a daily basis and has really pushed for me to continue my dream to become a nurse.

My passion has always been to help people, as a nurse I will continue to do that on a daily basis. I want to continue my education as far as I can go within the medical field. It takes a strong willed, determined, caring and accepting person to be in this field and that is exactly who I am. I want to be able to help my current and future patients, as well as everyday people, to the best of my ability and further my knowledge and skills to my fullest potential.

Alissa, your essay is disjointed in terms of discussion. There are paragraphs that could relate to explaining why you desire a career in healthcare, and there are some essays that make one wonder why you decided that you had to mention that. When you are asked a specific question about why, you can't suddenly throw in an answer like ;

My mother suggested at I go to USC the Business College.

Without explaining how it relates to your decision to enroll in Medical Administration. What is your background? Why did you decide to enroll in something related to healthcare right off the bat? What were your early influences? Maybe a sick relative? Television shows you watched? Your own illness? Then why Medical Administration first?

Then you go on to say:

My fellow medical assistant had just completed her nursing program and passed her boards to become an RN.

If the influence of the person does not have a direct relation in terms of inspiring your desire to enter the field even deeper, and I mean a direct, explainable relationship in the essay, then it should not be in there.

Then you have this mention as well;

My passion has always been to help people, as a nurse I will continue to do that on a daily basis.

This will make better sense if you can show the progression as to why you would want to leave the backroom of the healthcare field that you are working in now in favor of a front-line occupation. That will be the point where you actually present a very direct and relevant development of your decision to choose a career in the healthcare field.