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Narrative piece for Comp English, deciding on thesis statement about my brother


aarynj 2 / 2  
Mar 21, 2010   #1
Can you please tell me what sounds best for this narrative piece. I am writing a story about my brother. He came to live with me and find work in a restaurant. After he did he was shortly fired.

In class we are suppose to write a piece describing a time when someone told a truth that significantly impacted are life. Him being fired impacted my life because I had to live with the miserable guy for about two weeks. He was clinically depressed and manic, so I was frightened and worried at the same time. I really want this piece to be one of the best I have wrote for this class, being that it is our last paper due.

Read the entire introductory paragraph and the two thesis I have numbered.

My brother Antoine graduated from high school and then moved in with me. I charged him three hundred dollars per month to rent an extra room in my apartment. (1)Passionate about cooking, yet lacking real experience, Antoine's plan was to find an entry level position at a restaurant in Minneapolis. Which he did, but later regretted the decision. (2)His journey during the time he lived with me was remarkable to witness unfold. This experience helped strengthen our relationship.

Thank You!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 22, 2010   #2
Which he did, but later regretted the decision.--- You should not start the sentence with "Which."
It would have to be like this:
Antoine's plan was to find an entry level position at a restaurant in Minneapolis, which he did, but later regretted the decision.
Or:
Antoine's plan was to find an entry level position at a restaurant in Minneapolis. He accomplished this goal, but later he regretted the decision. --- I like it this way.

1 is compelling, and it makes me curious about what happened. I like it more than the second option, which seems generic and unoriginal.

You can make 1. better if you write the essay and then add a brief sentence to clarify what you mean about the moral of the story. For example:

Antoine's plan was to find an entry level position at a restaurant in Minneapolis. He accomplished this goal, but later he regretted the decision. Personal demons were at work, and my brother learned that part of one's personal strength is the ability to rely on others when necessary.

See what I mean? When the essay is written, write moral of the story like this to "sharpen" the meaning of the thesis.

Good luck!!


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