Hi everyone this is my first draft of my supplement essay and I have 507 words right now so I would appreciate any feedback on my ideas and what to cut down. Thanks so much!
Essay #2 (Required for all applicants. 500 words maximum)
Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests?
Every college or university has their own unique qualities that allows them to provide quality higher education for their students and the University of Michigan College of Language, Science & the Arts is no exception with their own unique qualities.
The LSA's extensive curriculum that provides hands on learning opportunities across a wide range of disciplines is what my attention. Besides focusing on my major, LSA curriculum asks me to focus on learning another foreign language. I am already fluent in Cantonese and Mandarin Chinese and I am excited to be able to learn another new language that is going to be useful for me when I go into the real world. Even though my interest is more towards natural and applied science, I was surprised to learn that LSA will also have me learn about humanities and social science along with the science that I plan to pursue. I think this is great because combining the other two areas with my intended area will let me think in a higher level when I come back to natural and applied science. Having a broader range of thinking allows me to be able to solve problems and understand everything that goes into it.
I find that not everything can be taught just in a classroom, some skills are better taught through experience and research. One of my interest is computer science. I learned a lot about computers throughout the years of repairing the problems that comes up on my machine and learned a lot about the hardware and software that makes up a computer by building my own system over the summer. LSA's computer science program offers many satisfying experiences through participating in sponsored events and student organizations. I want to participate in student organizations like the Michigan Hackers and participate in contests like the U-M Mobile App Challenge where I can further express my creativity through technology by learning alongside with my fellow students and hope to compete with the smartest and most creative students on campus. There are also internship opportunities offered to work for big companies like Google to get a full experience of what I need to excel after graduation.
Another interest I have is in biology. As much as I like technology, I also like nature as I am interested in the complicated systems of natural life. I never expected an university would also contain a museum and I was surprised to learn that there is the Museum of Zoology within LSA to do research. I would find many treasures within this museum and it will certainly help me learn what the mysteries of nature holds first hand.
LSA's unique campus, opportunities, and curriculum will certainly help me not only to excel on my major but also teaches me how to think on different levels is what a quality liberal arts and science college should teach. From my LSA experience I hope to go into the biotechnology field being able to think in multiple levels and then able to solve problems in incredible ways.
Michael, first things first, your first paragraph is not really necessary. Using word fillers like that are the primary causes of students going over the word limitation. Sometimes, just by deleting those unnecessary lines, you can already manage to come in under the maximum word count. So there is your first clue, remove all the word fillers that are not necessary for the paragraph transitions.
Next, Deal with the discussion of your major at the start of the essay. That should not be at the bottom, almost as an afterthought because the main reason you are applying to get into this university is because of that college major that they offer. The other two minor concentrations should be placed at the middle and towards the end of the paper respectively. At the moment, your essay needs to be organized in order of topic discussion priority.
As you revise the format of the essay, try to consider the elements that you have included in your paragraphs. This is your chance to actually delete the parts which do not fit into the overall scheme of the essay. At this point I will refrain from telling you which parts I think these are as I want to see how you will revise the paper first. After you revise the paper, and if the paper still needs to be edited, then I will tell you which parts I am sure needs to be removed :-)
Thanks for the suggestion! I am planning to reorganize the essay by moving the paragraph where I talk about the curriculum as a whole right after I finish talking about my interests/major and then cut the first paragraph since it is more like a filler. Now I have 477 words which is great! Also do you think my ideas were clear enough and they make sense? Thanks for the advice :)
As of now, the essay makes sense in the long form. That means that you can still remove some words in the paragraphs if you take the time to rephrase the content. You told me that you will be switching some of the content in the essay around in the paragraphs. So I would like to have a look at your edited essay once you do that. Just so we can be sure that the clarity of the essay and the information you are providing remained on track through the editing process.
Basically, once you remove the filler portion and revise the content of the essay, I do believe that you will be able to place it into the final form already. All of the currently remaining information relate to the prompt and do not seem to need to be replaced or edited in terms of applicability. I would not advise you to change or add anything at this point because the content of the essay already makes it a good paper to submit. However, if you wish to do that, I'll help you make it flow better with the paper if you wish :-)
