Essay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words)
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.
The community I identify with the most is with the Mexican community, even more here in the US. Every so often it comes in my mind my nationality in school, for example: When the Mexican revolution is mentioned, when I fill out documents asking for my ethnicity, or when a classmate asks me about Mexico. Due to the fact that I'm a foreigner, where I come from becomes part of the discussion, people are interested in what they do not know. But what is what they "know". I have heard that some Mexican stereotypes are that we drink tequila, work in the fields and that we wear sombreros. But these are all stereotypes, it's just like any other place in the world, there are successful people and poor people. I was born to a powerful family, my mom was the director of the Integral Development for the Family, she was very successful. She was employing more than 1000 government employees. We were in the Upper class, I remember in my early childhood in Mexico having very big and expensive houses, money was never a problem. Years later, my mom left everything to get married in the US and to find a place where we could have a better future. We now lack .With this legacy of successful careers, I feel like I can and must continue working hard to be an outstanding individual. As a Mexican, I will prove that I can excel in my classes and beat all challenges in my way.
I can help you with your essay. I can help you with your grammar. You can delete: even more here in the U.S . Also, delete Every so often and replace it with "Occasionally, I think about my nationality in school. For example, ..."
Instead of using a comma after discussion, you can separate your sentence: "People are interested..." You can form a sentence: "However, what do they "know"? Another transition word you can use is "Yet, these are..."
When you discuss your mother's workplace, state "and she was very successful". You need a comma: 1,000. Upper should be in all lowercase letters and place a period after "class". I'm not sure what you lack. Please explain. The last sentence: "challenges that come my way".
Jose, your essay is over the word limit by 3 words so you will need to work on cutting it down. As for the essay itself, I feel that it it comes off as containing too much bragging on your part regarding where you came from in Mexico. The wealth and the lifestyle should not be the center of your essay. The life that you describe does not identify with the typical Mexican community in Mexico. Neither does it represent a typical Mexican community member residing in the United States. So unless you can cite some examples to prove that the life you had in Mexico is typical of Mexicans, it just comes across as you showing off. That kind of image is not what you want to give the reviewer. You want to appeal to his sense of compassion and empathy instead.
You need to be humble in your response. Explain that while you lived a good life in Mexico, explain your mother's accomplishments but edit the part about the life of extravagance as that is not a typical Mexican life. You need to make sure you identify with the struggle of the group by saying your mother struggled in life to achieve a good life. Then she moved to the U.S. where you all had to start over as a part of a highly different Mexican community than what you were used to.
Your life in the United States made you realize that you are just a typical Mexican here. A part of the Mexican community that struggles to make a mark as an immigrant in a new world. Talk about how now that you are a member of the Mexican immigrant community, you have now come to realize that you cannot take what you have or had in life for granted because there is a tendency for people to prejudge you as a Mexican. So you have decided to represent the immigrant Mexican community by showing them that one can always use the inspiration of struggling Mexicans to show the world that Mexicans are better than the stereotype that they have in mind.
Basically, if you edit your current essay, you will be able to achieve the theme of my suggestion. I look forward to reading your revision :-)
Wow, thank you very much both for your feed back. I will definitely revise my essay and show it to you. I appreciate your time and effort you're giving me
I basically edited everywhere in my essay, so I'm just going to show the whole paper.
The community I identify with the most is with the Mexican community. Occasionally, I think about my nationality in school, for example: When the Mexican revolution is mentioned, when I fill out documents asking for my ethnicity, or when a classmate asks me about Mexico. Due to the fact that I'm a foreigner, where I come from becomes part of the discussion. People are interested in what they do not know. However, what do they "know"? I have heard that some Mexican stereotypes are that we drink tequilla, work in the fields and that we cross illegally the US border. But these are all stereotypes, it's just like any other place in the world, there are successful people and poor people. My mother worked very hard to become successful and give us a good life. We then moved to the US for finding a better education opportunities, but she had to leave all her work behind. In the past years in the US, I have realized that I am just a typical Mexican. In the US, Mexican immigrants struggle to make a mark in this country for they don't have many opportunities, and there is a tendency for Americans to prejudge Mexicans. I have realized I must change the world's impression of Mexicans by undertaking difficult challenges. I am inspired to represent the immigrant Mexican community by becoming a successful individual which would show the world that Mexicans are better than the stereotype they have in mind.
I really appreciate you guys taking the time to help me with my essay, is there anything I can help you with other than giving a "like"? :-)
Excellent revision! You have successfully managed to come across as an individual who is conscious of the struggles of the community that you identify with. You also clearly stated that you know what your position in that society is. Your plan of action is clear and, should you succeed with your plans for your future, will allow you to alter the public perception of Mexicans and give hope to the members of your community. Letting them know that they too can alter the stereotype. The essay just needs some editing at this point to make it work better. Here it goes:
and that we illegally cross the US border.
But t These are all stereotypes, MEXICO is just like any other place in the world,
We then moved to the US for finding a better education opportunities .
, but s She had to leave all her work
country SINCE they don't have many opportunities,
becoming a successful MEXICAN IMMIGRANT who would show the world
These tweaks should help bring the essay to its final form. After you apply these changes, please review the essay again. Double check everything and if you don't see any more errors, you can consider this essay to be in its final form. That is unless you want to make any other adjustments to it :-)
Thank you very much @vangiespen, I will submit a few more essays to this site (Many more college questions!). This site is amazing, especially because of people like you! Best of Luck!
- Every so often it comes, my nationality cross my mindin my mind my nationality in school,
- F or example:,
- w hen the Mexican revolution is mentioned,
- where I come frommy ethnicity becomes part of the discussion,
- But what is what they "know" .
- ButHowever these are all stereotypes,
- Noww e now lack all that we were used to .
- ..my classes and beat all the challenges in my way.
Well, stereotyping should not be an issue for you in a negative way, instead it should be a positive, a driver that will lead you to succeed in life.
Hopefully the remarks I made helps.
Thank you @justivy, I already fixed some of these changes on my revision posted though. I did correct some parts, thank you for that :)
