UIUC essay: In no more than 300 words, tell us something about yourself that isn't covered else where in this application, some interest or experience of yours that you think the University of Illinois should know about as part of the admission review.
Any comment, critique, or suggestion would be appreciated :)
"Hey, look at your post-it note; it falls off the wall again!" I said to my cousin Ting, pointing at the note that is lying on the floor.
"Like always." She sounded frustrated.
Then when I saw two paper clips on the table，an idea struck me. I twisted one paper clip into something that can stand on the table, and then put the other paper clip on the top of the twisted one, so that the note could be fastened with the help of just two paper clips. After I finished it, I saw a surprising and satisfying smile on Ting's face.
It was a memorable moment for me when this smile appeared. It made me realize my hobby of making and creating things could not only bring fun to me, but also bring convenience and happiness to other people's lives. I like the smiles which appear on the people who I helped with. These smiles made me what I had done meaningful. Ever since I saw that memorable smile, I have tried everything I could to make that kind of smile reappear on other people's faces. Seeing the covers of some tumblers with hot water jacked up by the hot steam inside and hurt people, I invented a new cup to solve it. Noticing that the strings of Chinese lute can be easily snapped when someone tunes it and cause players to get injured, I designed a tuning device to prevent such accident. I do not really care about the honors and rewards I have received because of these inventions, but I do care if other people truly benefit from what I have done, and their smiles will be the best rewards for me.
Red =change
Blue =my suggestions
"Hey, look at your post-it note; it fell off the wall again!"
Then when I sawSeeing two paper clips on the table，an idea struck me. I twisted one paper clip into something that can stand on the table(Describe? What did you twist it into?) , and then put the other paper clip on the top of the twisted one, so that the note could be fastened with the help of just two paper clips.
I likelove the smiles that appear on the people who I helped with. These smiles made me what I had done meaningful.(Doesn't make sense. Cross out "me"?)
Noticing that the strings of Chinese lute can be easily snapped when someone tunes it and cause players to get injuredmusicians injuries , I designed a tuning device to prevent such accidents .
=)
"Hey, look at your post-it note; it fell off the wall again!"
"I like the smiles that appear on the people who I helped. These smiles make what I have done meaningful."
"I have tried everything I could to make that kind of smile reappear on other people's faces.
"Seeing the covers of some tumblers with hot water jacked up by the hot steam inside and hurt people, I invented a new cup to solve it." "jacked up" is slang. Use other words.
"for me ." is not necessary at the end of the essay
Please edit my essays!
