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'living and schooling in different countries' - world you come from family, community


cloudone 4 / 4  
Nov 25, 2008   #1
Good evening Gloria and other proof readers here. The following is my tentative essay for UC prompt one: Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

After another landing and a short glide towards the boarding bridge, I sat still in the aircraft cabin, turning my head left to look at my father who nodded in assurance that everything was okay, and left to glance at my mother who comforted me, saying that we would be going to our new home soon. I spent much of my childhood this way - listening to the incessant roaring drones of airplane, and travelling between various continents and cities following my father's new job at the Atlas Copco Group. My childhood was spent in mixed cultures, even my name, which means "to live" in Swedish and "in knowledge" in Chinese, reflects that diversity.

My experience of living and schooling in different countries allowed me to view events from different angles. As I became acquainted with English, Chinese and German, I could put myself in multiple perspectives. When I initiated and headed a group of students in a community service project to create a patient management system for the Singapore Heart Foundation in grade eleven, I was able to interact effectively with patients and staffs from varied backgrounds. I also served as the coordinator in my group that participated in the Thinkquest International 2007. Although we came from different countries, we forged strong teamwork and clinched the Honorable Mention award. I am confident that in future I would be able to coordinate projects across borders to form synergy on a global scale.

I am fortunate to attend one of Singapore's top schools that not only emphasize on academic excellence, but also on heuristic learning. I was given the opportunity to lead a student research group and to collaborate with the Agency for Science, Technology and Research (A*STAR) Institute of High Performance Computing due to my interest in software engineering and algorithms. We succeeded in our project. Yet more importantly, I learned to work together with people and finding systematic solutions to problems. From that project, I aspired to be more involved in research and development, and to add to the knowledge in computing.

I am certain that I would be able to make a seamless transition to life in university, and that the diverse culture in the University of California, Berkeley would maximize my potential as a leader of the twenty-first century.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 25, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

I have edited your first paragraph and made some general comments also:

"After another landing and a short glide towards the boarding bridge, I sat still in the aircraft cabin, turning my head left to look at my father who nodded in assurance that everything was okay, and further left to glance at my mother who comforted me, saying that we would be going to our new home soon. I spent much of my childhood this way - listening to the incessant roaring drones of airplane, and traveling between various continents and cities following my father's new job at the Atlas Copco Group. My childhood was spent in mixed cultures; even my name, which means "to live" in Swedish and "in knowledge" in Chinese, reflects that diversity."

Make sure you are placing a comma after every item in your series; for instance, "English, Chinese and German" should be "English, Chinese, and German."

Great job!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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