i was hoping for a little feed back on my common app essay. i havnt been in school for a wile and my essay writing skills are a little rusty. i need someone else thoughts on my paper...
thanks..
Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
Two years ago working as a warehouse manager for Gold Coast Provisions I decided I was unhappy with where my life was heading. I had a decent job, but I did not see much growth potential, and I was afraid of becoming trapped. I wanted a job that would truly challenge me and had room to grow, I realized that it was not going to happen without rethinking my life goals. The first logical step was to begin applying to colleges. I accepted to a few local colleges and I decided that I was going to attend Suffolk community college, while continuing to work full time. After one semester, I decided to take a major risk and attend college full time. I then decided to move back into the New York City area and attend the Borough of Manhattan Community College. Over the past year and a half at BMCC I have learned a lot about myself and what I want for my future.
While attending BMCC I have learned what it takes to be a full time student, and I now feel ready to attend a four-year institute. While going to school I have also been interning full time with Credit Suisse's investment banking division. The combination of my business and economics courses, as well as my internship have helped me realize my passion for the finance world. As my internship started, markets were undergoing major changes and the country was beginning to fall into a recession, which only got worse as time went on. Without fully understanding what that meant, or the reasons behind it, I began following financial news much more closely. I started reading and studying about the business world and have realized that there is much more to learn. College and my internship have been great tools in helping me to understand and follow the global economic crisis. My eagerness to study has taught me that there is no ceiling to amount of knowledge that can be gained, and one can never know enough. At this point continuing my education at a four-year institute is the next logical step in pursuing my goals. In order not to end up where I was two years ago, continuing my education is essential.
While attending a four-year college I hope to have a better grasp of essential economic theories and better understanding of the business world. I am also looking forward to the diversity of ideas a liberal arts education will bring me. Cornell would provide me with a collegial experience that I am looking for. I hope to be more involved in clubs and student activities, as well as studying with peers that have similar interests and goals. A well-rounded education will help me understand how the banking industry affects the world we live in.
Overall, this is pretty good. A few minor grammatical fixes:
"I was accepted to a few local colleges "
"When my internship started, markets were undergoing major changes and the country was beginning to fall into a recession,"
"and that one can never know enough"
"By attending a four-year college, I hope to gain a better grasp of essential economic theories"
"Cornell would provide me with the collegial experience that I am looking for."
"A well-rounded education will help me better understand how the banking industry affects the world we live in."
thanks
overall what do you think of the essay should i be a little more detatiled in paragraph #2, maby even add another solid example?
Being more detailed and using specific examples rather than talking in generalities is always a good idea, so adding more specific details to the second paragraph would be a great course of action. That said, I thought the essay overall was strong. You write like someone who knows and respects the English language, and the essay is by-and-large composed of specific details about your personal experiences, which is how it should be.
I wanted a job that would truly challenge me and give me room to grow, and I realized that it was not going to happen without rethinking my life goals.
While attending BMCC I have learned what it takes to be a full time student, and I now feel ready to attend a four-year institute.
My eagerness to study has taught me that there is no limit to the amount of knowledge that can be gained, and one can never know enough.
Here are a few more small fixes, good luck in school!
:)
