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Like an antique picture of faded color- CApp/ An Ephiphany Moment/experience


Nicholas Win 1 / 8 4  
Dec 17, 2012   #1
Hello everyone, I am new here at the essay forum :P . I am an international student and applying to US universities for coming 2013 fall term. This is my common application essay and i have shown it to my parents, my friends and my english teacher. They said it's interesting but lacking something . I know that there is something lacking too. Please comment me, and don't mind telling me how my essay is so wrong or bad :P

An Epiphany Moment/experience

The intense searing rays of the afternoon sun impaled my face, the buzzing and strident sounds of the car engines deafened my ears, and the polluted air I was inhaling suffocated my lungs. I was sitting in my car which was stuck in a long traffic jam near a bridge. My car is a twenty-year-old Toyota van, and its air-conditioning system had stopped working a long time ago. Feeling exhausted and drenched from the heat, I could not do anything to improve the situation. So in order to distract myself from this scorching situation, I looked around to observe my surroundings.

It was like an old antique picture of faded color. As I looked around to observe my surroundings, I realized that my car was amongst a bunch of antiquated cars like mine but at 2 o'clock, I saw a black shiny Toyota Lexus LX 570, which captured my attention. "Such a fabulous car," I thought, "One day I will own one of these, together with a Lamborghini and Bugatti Veyron, haha."

I had a penchant for beautiful and luxurious cars and this had driven me to desire success in my academic studies. I understood that to own such expensive cars, I have to try hard and gain money, in other words, I have to become rich so that I can buy anything no matter how expensive.

The cars honking re-awakened me to the surroundings. The cars started to move again. I started the car engine and after letting out some grating noises, my car started to move again but not for long, the traffic stopped flowing. Now my view had changed, I was on top of a hill where down below I could see the whole bridge and a nearby construction site.

I turned my head and looked around. I saw small boats in the river, two enormous cranes carrying giant stones in the construction site and on the aged bridge hundreds of dark-skinned people were walking, and most of them seemed to be construction workers from nearby river bank construction site. Some of them were women holding their young children. Suddenly my head stopped turning. This scene had a great impact on me. It made me feel uneasy.

I had seen this type of scenery before when I helped my older cousin with his construction work. I have met these kinds of men and women before. They are the daily-workers who feed their families from their toil. They have to work under the blazing sun or pouring rain for the whole day and are paid very little. However, on their burnt and wrinkled faces, shine a ray of happiness that they are feeding their families.

A small, delighted voice made my head turn unconsciously to the pavement next to my car, and then I saw a dark-skinned lady with a child. She looked at me gracefully, with a delicate smile on her face, which was joyful and full of hope as well as having the depth of Mona Lisa's smile. It pierced my heart like a spear.

I felt guilty and ashamed of the selfish ambition that had dominated my entire life. Does a buying expensive luxurious car please me? What if I donate this money to those who are poor? Why do I have to fill up my mind with greed, and selfishness, where we have such a short life and in which nothing is eternal? What if I become successful and able to help unfortunate people in order to make the world a better place? I questioned myself, and at the moment, I was struck by feelings of serenity and wisdom.

The cars honking snapped my consciousness back from my stoned self. The cars started to move again, and this time the traffic jam was dissolving. The uneasiness in my heart had also dissolved and both my mind and heart were tranquil but I had the energy to move forward. It took me sometimes to revive my car engine again; however, I knew that something about me had changed. I moved away slowly, knowing that I had so much to learn if I really desired to be of use to others.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 18, 2012   #2
Hello everyone, I am new here at the essay forum :P

This is so only with this essay. With the next one you would be a senior helping others with their threads ;)

Do you have any prompt for this?
It's better if you post that too, so that you would get more relevant feedback from others. :)

As I looked around to observe my surroundings, I realized that my car was amongst a bunch of antiquated cars like mine but at 2 o'clock, I saw a black shiny Toyota Lexus LX 570, which captured my attention. "Such a fabulous car," I thought, "One day I will own one of these, together with a Lamborghini and Bugatti Veyron, haha."

... wow.... this is awesome.... I like your style of writing : )

It pierced my heart like a spear

.... you have strong sentences : )
Wow.... I guess I am with your parents, friends and teachers. I enjoyed every line and although I haven't seen the prompt, I feel this answers well for a prompt that asks you to describe an experience that impacted you.

Also I wish you join our community and help others who too would want to go that extra mile! Stay with us!
Good luck with your admission!
OP Nicholas Win 1 / 8 4  
Dec 18, 2012   #3
Thanks you Mr. Dumi for replying my first post. :D . Of course, I will help others as much as I can and imply my opinion even though my English is not good.

For the part of my essay, I wrote in down when i was in the mood . I really felt like my heart was pierced by a spear whenever i recalled this moment. My prompt is - I saw these people struggling to continue their life one day , while i dreamed of buying expensive cars which cost can feed 300,000 of such people for one day. So i felt that my ambition is like an egg without yolk , some thing like that xP

Guys please , i need more opinions ;( I only have 2 days left so guys help me :P
OP Nicholas Win 1 / 8 4  
Dec 18, 2012   #4
Also Mr Dumi, i don't understand what you mean by this sentence because of my poor English. "I enjoyed every line and although I haven't seen the prompt, I feel this answers well for a prompt that asks you to describe an experience that impacted you. "
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 18, 2012   #5
Also Mr Dumi

Mr. Dumi???? hehehe

I read your essay from top to bottom and I must say you have done an excellent job. Very neat and nicely constructed. And I like the way you write. Well done. :)
zdv 12 / 68 2  
Dec 18, 2012   #6
i think your essay is great. the writing is good and structure is good too. the only thing i think is an issue is that it may not be unique enough. everyone at some point in their life has an epiphany of wanting to help people. so many might be writing on this topic. it doesnt quite stand out from the crowd. your common app essay should be something that makes you look unique. anyway, it might be too much to change the whole essay at this point, so maybe you can just add in there a few things that sets you apart from the rest.
OP Nicholas Win 1 / 8 4  
Dec 18, 2012   #7
Yes, according to what I heard from my friends is that this type of essay is the majority of the college admission essay ;(

I read your essay from top to bottom and I must say you have done an excellent job. Very neat and nicely constructed. And I like the way you write. Well done. :)

Thank You Pahan, I also like your essay too , and I think it is a great essay :)
mannam 4 / 11  
Dec 30, 2012   #8
Hey, I think this is a very well written essay. It goes very in depth on how a certain experience changed you. I love the imagery and the fact that you are showing instead of telling. However, with that said, I think you are using too many cliches such as "It pierced my heart like a spear". Cliches aren't bad, but I feel when you use them too much, they sort of lose their meaning.

Otherwise I think this essay is pretty much good to go
Good Luck :D
OP Nicholas Win 1 / 8 4  
Dec 30, 2012   #9
Thank you mannam! I had already made changes to my essay. It is totally new now , but still the same idea. However, i am afraid that my essay does not reflect much of my personality. Is there any suggestion for that ? Please tell me if u don't mind :P


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